June 3, 2021 at 9:15 am #1090313LisforLeslieGuest
Sadly, even when presented with the information, a lot of people simply decide that the excuse or rationale is irrelevant and can be argued away. “Yes, I said that I hate all my exes but you shouldn’t be turned off by that because it means that I’ll never leave you for any of those bitches.” The hating the exes is one flag and the dismissing my concerns is another huge red flag.
I think you know but haven’t yet internalized that women don’t owe you their time, they don’t owe you a second chance or a second date. If they aren’t interested in a second date, the reasons are numerous and varied and should not be viewed as a negotiation. Maybe if she got to know you more she’d change her mind – the Hallmark channel has made an industry out of that scenario. But if no one is willing – then you’re likely doing something that is really making people run in the other direction. Unless you really dive into that I don’t think you’re going to make progress.June 3, 2021 at 12:03 pm #1090315ronGuest
The best advice I can give you is that the world is the world and you have to make peace with it — it isn’t going to suddenly rearrange itself to meet your expectations. You sound very old of spirit. You don’t mention it in the last two posts (have you given up on that requirement), but in your first series of posts to this forum, you required a woman 15 years younger than yourself, so that you could have a child together. Even most women your own age, let alone one 15 years younger, is going to want to date a man who sounds as old and stubborn of mind as you do.
You remind me of my deceased FIL who died at 89 several years back. He couldn’t adjust to the change in social customs. Couldn’t accept the notion that inflation always happens and a loaf of bread can’t be had for 25 cents anymore. I think this is more a guy problem, because too many guys don’t have a lot of social/shopping experience — their mothers, wives carry that load.
You are trying to date via internet apps, but are unwilling to accept the social customs of the internet dating scene, or even the general real-life dating scene. Women simply are not going to tell you why they don’t want a second date — they will ghost you rather than run the risk of being put in that situation — not responding to a second date request isn’t really even ghosting, the full and complete answer to ‘would you like to go on a second date with me to…” is ‘no’. Silence conveys ‘no’ and possibly seems more polite and less confrontational.
I’m older than you are. Even when I was dating in my 20s, there was no expectation that a woman would or should give an explanation for turning down a second date. I don’t know where you picked up this expectation. I think you invented it.
I agree with the other posters that you do seem to go through life with a simmering anger. The world in general and women and auto mechanics in particular, are not in some conspiracy against you. Auto repairs are expensive for all of us. Every time I’ve had my car repaired, payment was requested at time of service and I could not take away my car without paying.
You chose to be in the gig delivery business, because of flexibility and not wanting to work for somebody else. As was clear from your original posts, you didn’t factor auto repairs into your business plan. That’s on you. We are each responsible for obtaining are own credit. Auto mechanics aren’t banks. They don’t loan you the $ to fix your car and let you pay over time. You may be honest, but a lot of people would stiff them if they tried that and they would have to borrow a ton of money to float the loans. That’s just the way the world works. You can’t win if you persist in butting your head against reality and expecting reality to give way before your determination.
The pandemic has been especially bad for gig workers. Uber and many other self-employed drivers report earning way down. You aren’t unique here either.June 4, 2021 at 2:57 pm #1090347CurlyQueParticipant
Everyone’s given great insight, i just wanted to add my two cents. I put off dating during the pandemic and have recently gotten back on the apps now that i am fully vaccinated. I think you are putting WAY too much emotional investment into these first dates. I think this because you are honestly upset when they ghost and don’t want a second date. Online dating for better or worse gives you hundreds of people at your fingertips it’s why when someone shows a yellow or a red flag it’s easier to nope out.
To be very honest, if i had a date talking about paying a ransom to get his car fixed i would see that as a yellow flag. A yellow flag with no chemistry or big positives is an easy nope. There’s just too many people out there for me to waste time on something i don’t see potential in especially when i’m seeing flags.
I wish you lots of luck. I suggest looking at a first date as a chance to get out and have a drink/meal with someone and to feel them out. Lower your expectations of a second date and just see how the first one goes.June 4, 2021 at 5:55 pm #1090352PeggyGuest
CurlyQue has good suggestions. Also you need to be patient. I know people who met the “one” after only being on a dating site a very short time-like a week.
Mostly though it takes much longer. The older you are, I think, the harder it can be for many reasons.
I likely went on at least 40 meet -ups/coffees. Of those, I had second dates with about 6 of them. I dated one for about 3 months, another for 5. When I met my now partner of several years it was close to 3 years of being on-line. Interestingly, I was second person he me, the first time he ever dated on- -line.June 6, 2021 at 5:30 pm #1090401CopaParticipant
I just got caught up on this threat. While I generally agree with everyone, these are the exact same comments that were made, what — a year and a half ago? I really think Robert needs to first acknowledge there’s a good deal of inner work to be done, beliefs that need to be challenged, and find a therapist he meshes with. And then stick with it long enough to do that work, which won’t/can’t happen if there’s no genuine acknowledgement that something needs work, and honestly? I’m not really sure there is. I say this as kindly as is possible and as someone who doesn’t think she would’ve met a nice, good guy online without the help of a therapist (who really helped me over the course of several years with mindset and figuring out what I really wanted out of my relationships). I hope you are able to find a therapist that offers a variety of payment options, Robert. I know it can be expensive if you do not have insurance but I believe many offers ways to make their services affordable (e.g., sliding scale fees).June 7, 2021 at 10:15 am #1090413Miss MJGuest
“…if i had a date talking about paying a ransom to get his car fixed i would see that as a yellow flag…”
Oh, absolutely. Honestly, it’d probably be a red flag dealbreaker for me. Not so much as the statement itself, which may be made in a jesting tone, but for what it conveys:
Inability to budget or plan for routine expenses;
Lack of taking responsibility by blaming others for your lack of planning;
Taking on the mantle of a victim by acting as if someone performing a service you need and asked them for is robbing you;
Lack of respect for the skill, time and labor of others who would dare demand that they be paid fairly for the service you needed and asked them to provide;
Entitlement in that you believe that the mechanic owes you their skill, time and labor;
Bitterness at a universal occurrence that most people would take in stride.
I could go on, but this sentence reflects Robert’s current world view and I am certain it’s a large part of why he can’t get a second date. Women pick up on this stuff real quick, Robert. And no one is looking to date a dude who is irresponsible, plays the victim, does not respect others and is entitled and bitter. And every single one of these traits will spill over into a relationship. And, indeed already are, hence your trouble getting a second date. This is where you need to focus – on you.June 7, 2021 at 12:59 pm #1090419PeggyGuest
Miss MJ said it very well! You appear to have several chips on your shoulder and unrealistic expectations of life and love and dating.June 7, 2021 at 1:29 pm #1090420anonymousseParticipant
Yes all this great advice that you should absolutely take RIGHT AWAY are echoes of the beginning of trying to help you, remember that Robert?
Better pictures and better clothes aren’t going to change the things deep inside that come out in your words, mannerisms, etc are scaring women away from you. That’s what’s happening, Robert. Women learn to watch for signs of angry men and that’s what you’re projecting. You’re going to continue to get nowhere on your list until you take the hard step- facing your deep rooted issues.
I’m in therapy myself, Robert. It’s hard. It can be brutal some sessions but I know I’m doing the thing I need to do to be the person I want to be. I truly hope you can find a way to start seeing someone on a schedule and doing the hard but necessary work.