Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Hello all from Robert

Home Forums Get Advice, Give Advice Hello all from Robert

Viewing 12 posts - 37 through 48 (of 100 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • #1090313 Reply
    LisforLeslie
    Guest

    Sadly, even when presented with the information, a lot of people simply decide that the excuse or rationale is irrelevant and can be argued away. “Yes, I said that I hate all my exes but you shouldn’t be turned off by that because it means that I’ll never leave you for any of those bitches.” The hating the exes is one flag and the dismissing my concerns is another huge red flag.

    I think you know but haven’t yet internalized that women don’t owe you their time, they don’t owe you a second chance or a second date. If they aren’t interested in a second date, the reasons are numerous and varied and should not be viewed as a negotiation. Maybe if she got to know you more she’d change her mind – the Hallmark channel has made an industry out of that scenario. But if no one is willing – then you’re likely doing something that is really making people run in the other direction. Unless you really dive into that I don’t think you’re going to make progress.

    #1090315 Reply
    ron
    Guest

    Robert —
    The best advice I can give you is that the world is the world and you have to make peace with it — it isn’t going to suddenly rearrange itself to meet your expectations. You sound very old of spirit. You don’t mention it in the last two posts (have you given up on that requirement), but in your first series of posts to this forum, you required a woman 15 years younger than yourself, so that you could have a child together. Even most women your own age, let alone one 15 years younger, is going to want to date a man who sounds as old and stubborn of mind as you do.

    You remind me of my deceased FIL who died at 89 several years back. He couldn’t adjust to the change in social customs. Couldn’t accept the notion that inflation always happens and a loaf of bread can’t be had for 25 cents anymore. I think this is more a guy problem, because too many guys don’t have a lot of social/shopping experience — their mothers, wives carry that load.

    You are trying to date via internet apps, but are unwilling to accept the social customs of the internet dating scene, or even the general real-life dating scene. Women simply are not going to tell you why they don’t want a second date — they will ghost you rather than run the risk of being put in that situation — not responding to a second date request isn’t really even ghosting, the full and complete answer to ‘would you like to go on a second date with me to…” is ‘no’. Silence conveys ‘no’ and possibly seems more polite and less confrontational.

    I’m older than you are. Even when I was dating in my 20s, there was no expectation that a woman would or should give an explanation for turning down a second date. I don’t know where you picked up this expectation. I think you invented it.

    I agree with the other posters that you do seem to go through life with a simmering anger. The world in general and women and auto mechanics in particular, are not in some conspiracy against you. Auto repairs are expensive for all of us. Every time I’ve had my car repaired, payment was requested at time of service and I could not take away my car without paying.

    You chose to be in the gig delivery business, because of flexibility and not wanting to work for somebody else. As was clear from your original posts, you didn’t factor auto repairs into your business plan. That’s on you. We are each responsible for obtaining are own credit. Auto mechanics aren’t banks. They don’t loan you the $ to fix your car and let you pay over time. You may be honest, but a lot of people would stiff them if they tried that and they would have to borrow a ton of money to float the loans. That’s just the way the world works. You can’t win if you persist in butting your head against reality and expecting reality to give way before your determination.

    The pandemic has been especially bad for gig workers. Uber and many other self-employed drivers report earning way down. You aren’t unique here either.

    #1090347 Reply
    CurlyQue
    Participant

    Everyone’s given great insight, i just wanted to add my two cents. I put off dating during the pandemic and have recently gotten back on the apps now that i am fully vaccinated. I think you are putting WAY too much emotional investment into these first dates. I think this because you are honestly upset when they ghost and don’t want a second date. Online dating for better or worse gives you hundreds of people at your fingertips it’s why when someone shows a yellow or a red flag it’s easier to nope out.

    To be very honest, if i had a date talking about paying a ransom to get his car fixed i would see that as a yellow flag. A yellow flag with no chemistry or big positives is an easy nope. There’s just too many people out there for me to waste time on something i don’t see potential in especially when i’m seeing flags.

    I wish you lots of luck. I suggest looking at a first date as a chance to get out and have a drink/meal with someone and to feel them out. Lower your expectations of a second date and just see how the first one goes.

    #1090352 Reply
    Peggy
    Guest

    CurlyQue has good suggestions. Also you need to be patient. I know people who met the “one” after only being on a dating site a very short time-like a week.
    Mostly though it takes much longer. The older you are, I think, the harder it can be for many reasons.
    I likely went on at least 40 meet -ups/coffees. Of those, I had second dates with about 6 of them. I dated one for about 3 months, another for 5. When I met my now partner of several years it was close to 3 years of being on-line. Interestingly, I was second person he me, the first time he ever dated on- -line.

    #1090401 Reply
    Copa
    Participant

    I just got caught up on this threat. While I generally agree with everyone, these are the exact same comments that were made, what — a year and a half ago? I really think Robert needs to first acknowledge there’s a good deal of inner work to be done, beliefs that need to be challenged, and find a therapist he meshes with. And then stick with it long enough to do that work, which won’t/can’t happen if there’s no genuine acknowledgement that something needs work, and honestly? I’m not really sure there is. I say this as kindly as is possible and as someone who doesn’t think she would’ve met a nice, good guy online without the help of a therapist (who really helped me over the course of several years with mindset and figuring out what I really wanted out of my relationships). I hope you are able to find a therapist that offers a variety of payment options, Robert. I know it can be expensive if you do not have insurance but I believe many offers ways to make their services affordable (e.g., sliding scale fees).

    #1090413 Reply
    Miss MJ
    Guest

    “…if i had a date talking about paying a ransom to get his car fixed i would see that as a yellow flag…”

    Oh, absolutely. Honestly, it’d probably be a red flag dealbreaker for me. Not so much as the statement itself, which may be made in a jesting tone, but for what it conveys:

    Inability to budget or plan for routine expenses;
    Lack of taking responsibility by blaming others for your lack of planning;
    Taking on the mantle of a victim by acting as if someone performing a service you need and asked them for is robbing you;
    Lack of respect for the skill, time and labor of others who would dare demand that they be paid fairly for the service you needed and asked them to provide;
    Entitlement in that you believe that the mechanic owes you their skill, time and labor;
    Bitterness at a universal occurrence that most people would take in stride.

    I could go on, but this sentence reflects Robert’s current world view and I am certain it’s a large part of why he can’t get a second date. Women pick up on this stuff real quick, Robert. And no one is looking to date a dude who is irresponsible, plays the victim, does not respect others and is entitled and bitter. And every single one of these traits will spill over into a relationship. And, indeed already are, hence your trouble getting a second date. This is where you need to focus – on you.

    #1090419 Reply
    Peggy
    Guest

    Miss MJ said it very well! You appear to have several chips on your shoulder and unrealistic expectations of life and love and dating.

    #1090420 Reply
    anonymousse
    Participant

    Yes all this great advice that you should absolutely take RIGHT AWAY are echoes of the beginning of trying to help you, remember that Robert?

    Better pictures and better clothes aren’t going to change the things deep inside that come out in your words, mannerisms, etc are scaring women away from you. That’s what’s happening, Robert. Women learn to watch for signs of angry men and that’s what you’re projecting. You’re going to continue to get nowhere on your list until you take the hard step- facing your deep rooted issues.

    I’m in therapy myself, Robert. It’s hard. It can be brutal some sessions but I know I’m doing the thing I need to do to be the person I want to be. I truly hope you can find a way to start seeing someone on a schedule and doing the hard but necessary work.

    #1093769 Reply
    Robert123
    Participant

    I didn’t realize how long it’s been since I wrote back last. My father was in the hospital for several weeks, and I guess I lost track of time. I did read your comments, though.

    Kate:

    And dismissing someone because she’s very into a sport?

    I don’t do that anymore. It’s what I *used* to do. You told me the rowing story, and it is one of the things I remembered. I just haven’t come across that situation yet recently, but will not be quick to write her off like i once was.

    KTFran:

    Lastly, if every woman is either mutually agreeing there is no chemistry or not giving you a second date, then the common variable is you.

    That’s my whole point. Multiple women are picking up on the same thing. I am doing something wrong on these dates or in these phone calls. I’ve known that on my own. I have enough to talk about in therapy, now on top of it she has to *guess* why the pattern is repeating. I know she’s an expert, but only the date knows for sure.

    Peggy:

    So, if there is not much in the compatibitilty and interaction on the date, to possibly/maybe create a spark, most people move on.

    Maybe it was your word choice, and you perhaps didn’t intend to convey this idea, but it sounds from that, that it is *her* who is doing the interviewing, not me. I don’t always feel a spark on a second date, but I’m not going to instantly move on just because it didn’t happen on the first date.

    But dating is not looking for a “friend”.

    I’m not *looking* for a “friend”, either. But if I make one, then how is that a bad thing? (rhetorical to make a point). I see that as nothing other than good.

    Ron:

    You don’t mention it in the last two posts (have you given up on that requirement), but in your first series of posts to this forum, you required a woman 15 years younger than yourself, so that you could have a child together.

    I never did “require” that she be 10-15 years younger. I was concentrating my search there, as you know for the purpose of having the ability to bear children, but I was never against dating a mid 40s woman who was still healthy enough to have a child. I still feel that way, but I’ve also come to the realization that I may be in a situation of my two choices being no kid with no life partner, or no kid with a great life partner. Wanting kids is actually blank on my profile, just because I may have to accept never having a child. But, then again, the whole profile is invisible because of coronavirus. I got my second shot, but the Delta variant seems to want to restart the pandemic all over again. I’ll just wait.

    CurlyQue:

    I think you are putting WAY too much emotional investment into these first dates.

    …because they are women, human beings, with feelings, not used cars to be driven around the block only to be put back 10 minutes later, or an appliance to be looked at and put back up on the shelf. I will not treat another human being like that. Period.

    I’m not going to go on the first date to begin with unless that PERSON is worth a few more dates to begin with, and I am not going to have a phone conversation unless I’m willing to go on the first date. If I’m going to find out if something is off, I’m going to do it early on.

    I know you are going to say that you can’t always tell that early on, and that can be the truth, I do agree. I did encounter one weirdo (that I think I brought up on here) that it took a phone call to figure out, but beyond that if I move forward I do not stop unless the relationship has run its course.

    Lower your expectations of a second date and just see how the first one goes.

    I see what you are saying, and the spirit is great advice, actually. My dilemma is, it’s exactly what is getting me fatigued with the process. I cannot deal with the churning anymore. I’d rather have a steady, constant friend than single dates with multiple women. I’m not sure about what to do about the dilemma.

    Peggy:

    I likely went on at least 40 meet -ups/coffees. Of those, I had second dates with about 6 of them. I dated one for about 3 months, another for 5.

    Wow! That sounds exhausting! Even getting to date someone for a few months sounds okay, at least there’s even a small bit of constancy. Obviously, you weren’t the life partners for each other, but you obviously enjoyed each other to be able to date for a while.

    Copa:

    I really think Robert needs to first acknowledge there’s a good deal of inner work to be done

    I’ve known that from day 1, which is why hearing a negative is preferable to me than ghosting or a generic excuse.

    Just a few final thoughts on the auto repair thing. This is not an auto repair forum, so I don’t want to focus on that, but there are a few mistaken impressions of me that I want to correct.

    Years ago, probably closer to a decade ago (if not more), I added up my auto repair expenses for an entire year (I did that using THREE separate years), and budget 1/52 of that amount every week, though in reality I contribute more like 1/35 or so, as I have the income to contribute more, as a pad. The problem is, one single repair can be more than the sum of what i have contributed so far. The shop feels entitled to my rent money, so I have to hand it over immediately to get my car back. Now I have to put all of my next paycheck or whatever on only my rent and bills and nothing else whatsoever. Then, the bills have been paid, but now I missed 2, 3, or 4 weeks of contributions to the auto repair account. So, I cannot do anything else other than the car repair account. Now, the next month’s bills become due. I have to take from the auto repair account to pay rent, etc. I never can get back to a regular budget, because the shop keeps demanding money right then and there, and refuses to give me any notice. And the cycle repeats, wash rinse repeat.

    Even when I did my food delivery (which I will get back to after the pandemic is over), rental cars were almost as much as my rent. Yes, that was a big expense, and was not constant, but I can deal with that. First, they do give me some general broad idea — I do understand they cannot give me a price to the penny. I don’t need to be that precise to begin with. The first month might be $750, maybe the next month is $800, maybe the next one is close to $900. I can deal with all of that. But, I also know that it won’t be $5,000, either. And, they will not take it, under any circumstances whatsoever, until that month is up. The mechanics, on the other hand, give me no notice of either how much or when!!! The rental car agencies want to make money, too, but they are not out of control like the repair shops.

    No other industry has treated me like that. Literally none.

    Even when I had my landscaping business, lawn mowers broke down, but I never had that problem. I didn’t always have it right then and there. But they did not ransom my lawn mowers. If I didn’t have it all right then and there, I gave them what I had, and brought them the rest when I came back. Even a few instances it took me a while to get them fully paid, such as multiple repairs close together. They still did not ransom my lawn mowers. At times, when I got caught back up, I paid ahead, actually, as a way of maki9ng up for being behind.

    I only bring that up to illustrate that the mower people are in a nearly identical trade line, but it never once occurred to them to ransom my equipment like the car shops are doing. Appliance repair people have never done this to me. Computer repair people have never done this to me. No one!!

    I do not need months or weeks to adjust. It could be as simple as giving what i have today (which may be most of the bill to begin with) and squaring up on my next paycheck. No big deal.

    BTW, keep in mind, the shops are on terms of net 15 or net 30 usually, and technicians do not get paid until at least the following week, to boot. I would not be putting the shop in any bind whatsoever. They delay payment themselves yet will not give the same courtesy to the customer.

    Inability to budget or plan for routine expenses;

    Not true, as I explained in the first paragraph of this sub-topic

    Lack of respect for the skill, time and labor of others who would dare demand that they be paid fairly for the service you needed and asked them to provide;

    Also not true. They will not tell me up front a general amount and idea of when, and expect me to adjust sometimes $2,000 in ten seconds. NO OTHER INDUSTRY DOES THAT. I am not refusing to pay a fair rate.

    Entitlement in that you believe that the mechanic owes you their skill, time and labor;

    Never once have I asked a shop to do a repair for free. Ever!!!!! They are in the business of repairing cars, and that is the nature of the business I am bringing them.

    I hope you are able to find a therapist that offers a variety of payment options,

    An $80 therapy session does not need to go on a payment plan, especially when they have told me up front how much it is and when. There will be no fee due under any circumstances until X time. And, it’s not a backbreaking amount of money to begin with. I would never consider them to put on a payment plan.

    You actually made my point in a way, believe it or not. The therapist is willing to put a known amount and time on a payment plan, but the auto shop is not willing to do this when they WON’T tell me how much and when. That’s backwards.

    Like I said, I don’t want to talk about car repairs on this forum anymore, but just wanted to correct a few things, that I passed over in earlier discussions, because I didn’t want to talk about car repairs on a dating forum. I need to find a car repair forum to discuss this there.

    #1093772 Reply
    Robert123
    Participant

    I forgot a few things:

    Kate:

    Someone could have never been jazzed about Christmas parades but still be happy to go to some of them with the right partner.

    I never thought of that scenario, specifically, I have to admit. I have met some who feels “dragged” to parades, not just Christmas. It’s just that those are the people who I would not be able to share that interest with, and why there could be a problem. Either I would still be lonely or she would be unhappy in being forced to go.

    LisForLeslie:

    Are you getting turned down or are you getting ghosted?

    Both

    Is one more preferable to you?

    Yes. Obviously, there is no clue that I’ve been ghosted until some time has passed. I’d rather be told “I did not find out about X that is a dealbreaker to me until we talked”, or “Y thing brought up haunts of a bad relationship I once had”, or whatever. It’s far more respectful. At least I would know that I did something wrong, and be mindful not to do it again, or that we have a gap that we cannot bridge, or whatever.

    Kate:

    Like, you even directly state this yourself, that even if you don’t feel the spark, you would keep hanging out because you could have fun together. Women are the same way.

    CurlyQue:

    I suggest looking at a first date as a chance to get out and have a drink/meal with someone and to feel them out.

    I actually do…or at least did…go in with that view, at least after I came here initially and that was suggested. It just seems that the women don’t share that view. At least that’s the perception I’m left with.

    I’ll expand.

    For example, I cannot think of a woman I have encountered who did not enjoy miniature golf or fireworks in the summer (I’m sure some don’t, but we can say for this specific example that that’s almost universal). Let’s say that I meet a woman with whom we don’t seem to *instantaneously* have a ton of things in common, but we both enjoy those two things. My thing is, why not go on a date to miniature golf, to feel each other out? Even if there is no “click” initially, if we both have a good time playing miniature golf by ourselves, how is it possible to have a bad time? The same with fireworks, may shows which are accompanied by a concert, so even worst case scenario if we had little to talk about, there would be no need to talk anyhow because we would have a concert/fireworks show to enjoy.

    In a nutshell, even if there are other women I would have *more* fun with, or other men *she* would have more fun with, if we both individually find X activity fun, then there is nothing wrong with an outing of that particular X activity, in my opinion.

    The women are not taking the same view, or so it seems.

    **************

    There is one thing that was brought up in my last thread, that is not playing out in real life — unless I am missing something, if I am I will consider. But, I can’t remember who, but someone (or several) said that quality women like guys with a full life. And I seem to be finding the opposite. The women (at least the ones I encounter) in reality want a guy to be available to write messages all day instead of having other responsibilities such as a job. They quit writing when the job keeps me away from messaging.

    I want to go on dates, not write messages. And not just first dates and done, that is equally as unfulfilling. I want to get to know someone (when it’s safe to do so after the pandemic)

    #1093776 Reply
    Kate
    Keymaster

    God, this is exhausting. The same old stuff again. The “I refuse to have a smartphone and message people, even though that’s what everyone else in the world does.” The “mechanics are criminals.” The “why shouldn’t women want to hang out with me and be friends, even though they’re clearly on dating sites to date, not make more friends?” Again, you’re missing the huge elephant in the room, which is that women need to feel safe, easy, and companionable with someone if they’re going mini-golfing or to a fireworks show, and they DONT feel that way with you. You don’t even care. The subtext of “everyone should accommodate me, Robert, and my worldview.”

    Ugh.

    • This reply was modified 1 month ago by Kate.
    #1093782 Reply
    Kate
    Keymaster

    Also, please do yourself a favor and never talk about mechanics again. Every time you do, it makes you look bad. It makes me think that you don’t budget correctly, don’t actually make enough to cover your expenses, have bad credit or no credit, and aren’t smart enough to find a good mechanic and stick with them so you get the VIP treatment. If you ever spoke about this to a date, it would be a billowing red flag with lights and sirens.

Viewing 12 posts - 37 through 48 (of 100 total)
Reply To: Reply #1090315 in Hello all from Robert
Your information: