Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Help.

Viewing 12 posts - 13 through 24 (of 26 total)
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  • #841655 Reply
    avatarKate
    Guest

    Yeah maybe…

    #841656 Reply
    avatarKate
    Guest

    I mean if he was indeed just sitting next to this woman chatting and he was drugged and dragged somewhere, that’s a completely different thing than he’s hanging out in her apartment and starts to feel weird and either can’t get it up or can’t get up. The details really matter here.

    #841657 Reply
    avatarEle4phant
    Guest

    I mean – is it cheating to be alone with the member of the opposite sex (in a hotel room, their shared hostel, her local apartment?). Is it a foregone conclusion he was looking to cheat.

    Again, if a woman was alone with a man, just talking, and she was drugged or taken advantage, is she somewhat culpable for her assault?

    I really don’t know what to make of this post – it is confusing and there are a lot of holes and it’s hard not to want to fill them in. For me there are too many unknowns for me to even try to make a judgement about whether he’s being honest or just trying to cover his ass. Someone earlier made a good point that if they otherwise have a good and honest relationship, maybe believe him.

    But I am uncomfortable with the suggestion that if someone is alone with the member of the opposite sex and something non consensual happens, they are somewhat responsible.

    Kate I think your intention was to call bullshit on the whole “he claims he was drugged” story, but…again there’s just so much unknown let’s not speculate and validate her theory he’s somehow he’s responsible, at least not until she gives us more details.

    #841660 Reply
    avatarKate
    Guest

    Speculation aside, and to answer your question, if my husband had gone to Spain 2 weeks before our wedding and was hanging out in a hotel room or apartment alone with a girl he just met, yeah, I’d have a problem with that, and vice versa (he would too if I did this with a guy). I can’t really think of anything he could tell me that wouldn’t erode my trust, but maybe I’m not that creative. We just do not have the kind of relationship where this sort of thing occurs. Maybe these two do.

    No, obviously just being alone with a member of the opposite sex does not make you culpable if something happens. And I’m not even suggesting this guy was culpable. But if he did something prior to the attempted assault that in itself would break their bounds of trust, *that* is a problem and a reason to postpone a wedding.

    #841662 Reply
    avatardinoceros
    Participant

    I think the issue of him potentially being in a hotel room with a woman on vacation is separate from the potential drugging/assault. The former would be an issue on its own. I think that’s where the distrust could come in.

    Being drugged and/or assaulted wouldn’t be his fault, no matter what his intentions were initially.

    But no matter how the situation turned out, I would still have questions if my partner had been spending an evening alone in a hotel room with someone else. If they had also been assaulted, then making sure they are OK would be my top priority. But if was also true that my partner had been going on a date with or spending alone time in a hotel room with someone with romantic intentions (prior to all this happening), then those concerns would still be around afterward — since it would potentially indicate they weren’t happen in the relationship or were not planning to stay monogamous in the future.

    #841663 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    Exactly.

    #841664 Reply
    avatarele4phant
    Guest

    I mean, it’s just totally unknown how this guy met this woman, where he was, what happened to him.

    So until I know more, I’m not going to touch giving her any sort of advice or pontificating on what would be okay and what would be a breach of trust, I’m just not touching any of it with a ten foot pole.

    And in abstract, I don’t know that I’d have a problem with my husband being alone with a woman because I trust him. But I also can’t imagine him deciding to hang out with someone he just met alone; that’s just not something either of really ever does. If I heard from him that he was hanging out alone with a strange woman and something happened to him, I am totally guessing how I would react. I think I would be okay, because I trust him and trust his commitment to me, but who knows.

    I could 100% imagine my husband just making friends at whoever is at the bar though.

    When it comes to the OP, I don’t know at all what happened, and talking in hypothetical about what would and would not be acceptable behavior on his part, without knowing what actually happened, it just muddies the water.

    I want to know what happened before I weigh in at all about whether or not they have a problem in their relationship.

    #841665 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    It looks like they definitely do have a problem in their relationship:

    “Should I take him back? Make him work his ass of to earn me back?”

    Sounds like maybe they’re already separated.

    It’s just impossible to answer her question or give any advice without knowing more.

    That said, it’s not wrong to say “if this, then that,” and “if that, then maybe this.” It’s just probably not that productive because usually what happens is the OP either disappears, or they come back with something you didn’t see coming at all.

    #841667 Reply
    bittergaymarkBittergaymark
    Guest

    Eh… Maybe he’s happy to be rid of her because she apparently can’t communicate at all and makes her point about as clearly as a halfwitted Trump.

    #841668 Reply
    avatarele4phant
    Guest

    It’s just probably not that productive because usually what happens is the OP either disappears, or they come back with something you didn’t see coming at all.

    Right, exactly.

    #841669 Reply
    avatarLisforLeslie
    Guest

    What if HE spiked her drink and she switched glasses on him… and he thought that she stole his wallet and he needed help to get home from Spain.

    I mean, if we’re supposin’ might as well go big.

    #841672 Reply
    SkyblossomSkyblossom
    Participant

    The point of waiting is that she doesn’t trust him. Maybe she didn’t trust him before he went to Spain or maybe this one event caused her to lose trust. We don’t know. Going ahead and getting married to someone you don’t trust is never a good idea. Whether he deserves to be trusted or not we don’t know. We just know that she doesn’t trust him so she should delay the wedding.

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