October 6, 2018 at 8:04 am #801994
Hey guys I need a bit of advice please.
My friend has a newish girlfriend who’s really nice, seems to be really insecure so buys lots of things for her (none of my business) and for me (which I constantly tell her is too much). She also constantly tries to go above and beyond to help, which usually ends up having the opposite effect.
For example, me and my friend were going to the UK for a festival and her girlfriend said she would drive us to the airport. We said we could get a taxi but she insisted (no big deal). She took the day off work to drive us and then rather than just drop us off parked the car and walked us in, stayed with us through check in and walked us up to security. The whole thing boggled my mind because it was so much more hassle than it needed to be but I figured she really wanted to see my friend off.
So then my favourite band are playing in the UK and I bought myself a ticket. My friend heard and her and the girlfriend decided to come with me. It was all booked and the girlfriend said oh I booked my car into the airport car park so I can drive us. Again, I thought she was insane because we can get a taxi, it’s so easy and costs the same. Turns out you need to get a shuttle bus when you park cause the car park is so far away. Again, it’s just making things more awkward than they need to be.
Now please don’t get me wrong, these are minor things and I’m aware, but I’m so independent as a person that the constant trying to take care of us thing is driving me insane.
I want to be a good friend, I’m trying to be. But it’s hard because I’m a really blunt person and not saying what’s on my mind physically pains me haha. I’m relatively close with the girlfriend too at this stage, we hang out a fair bit. Do I just keep my mouth shut or do I try and talk to her and just say like thank you I know it comes from a good place but I can make my own plans etc etc?
Please help, super inexperienced in this area and want to try and do the best thing possible.October 6, 2018 at 8:26 am #801997
You should spend some time reading the forums here about the actual difficult people that others have to deal with and stop your whining about his overly helpful girlfriend.
Is it possible that you are used to it just being you and your buddy and you resent that there is now a third person present? That’s part of life unfortunately.October 6, 2018 at 8:52 am #802002
If you try to talk to the gf about how you’d like her to stop being so helpful, you are going to hurt her feelings and drive a wedge between you and your friend. Driving you to the airport and seeing you off is something she does to show that she cares, not a character flaw that merits confrontation. If it really bothers you, next time you book a trip somewhere, tell her right away that you’ve arranged for a car service before she can make plans to drive you. Tell her you’re so grateful that she’s gone out of her way to help you in the past, but you don’t want her to miss any more work unnecessarily. If she insists, try to appreciate the thought behind her gesture rather than focus on the ways it inconveniences you. If you’re often blunt and say what’s on your mind in situations where silence would be better, this is a good opportunity to work on self-control.October 6, 2018 at 9:23 am #802006
It’s not being helpful — but controlling. I’d be irritated, too.October 6, 2018 at 10:06 am #802018
I mean, it’s weird, but it’s not worth having a conversation about (I don’t think there’s anything you can say to either of them that will result in everyone being happy and her not acting annoying). She sounds like maybe she was desperate so she’s overly excited about having a boyfriend. Maybe she’ll chill out. If it annoys you that much, then extricate yourself from the situations. Instead of riding with your friend, say you’ll get yourself to an event on your own and meet them there. If the hassle of doing that isn’t worth dealing with her behavior, then just go with it.October 6, 2018 at 11:54 am #802035
“But it’s hard because I’m a really blunt person and not saying what’s on my mind physically pains me haha.”.
The term for someone “who has to say what’s on his mind” even if it’s harmful or insulting to others is asshole. Many assholes think of themselves as blunt truth tellers, bravely speaking up while others remain silent.October 6, 2018 at 12:27 pm #802043
Honestly? Assholes also gleefully fuck everybody over as they believe that they have the right to control others by tediously stalking someone even all the way to airport security. What next? She buts a ticket so she can accompany you both to the gate?!October 6, 2018 at 12:30 pm #802044
Why don’t you hang out with the friend one on one a few times? Maybe if she feels you approve of and like her, she will stop trying so hard or believe you when you say something is unnecessary.October 6, 2018 at 12:39 pm #802046
Wow some of you guys are super harsh haha I don’t resent her having a girlfriend I’m delighted for her, she’s my friend and I love her. I just don’t like someone controlling everything I do when we’re together (I wouldn’t stand for it in my own life but it’s not up to me who my friends have in their lives so I want to find a way to deal with it). And unfortunately it is a character flaw for her, as I said she’s very insecure and I don’t think she realises it but she’s quite manipulative and controlling. Lovely girl, but it’s exhausting, something my friend shares an opinion about too.
And I didn’t say I would be hurtful or rude. I’m blunt and say what’s on my mind but I would always be cautious about it if it was to hurt someone’s feelings, hence me posting this thread and looking for advice.
Thanks for all the inputs though. I’ve decided to maybe make light of it in the airport tomorrow and just throw it out there that I can arrange my own plans next time.October 6, 2018 at 12:41 pm #802048
@keyblade I’ve hung out with her alone a few times, we get on great. This is just how she is, even with my friend. It’s constantly trying to go above and beyond to the point where if I was to lean over to plug my phone in to charge she’d practically give herself whiplash trying to get there first to do it for me.October 6, 2018 at 12:47 pm #802051
She is who she is. You can’t change her. It’s not your job to change her. The best you and your friend can do is to be openly accepting of her so she doesn’t feel she has to keep trying as hard as she is to stay friend/gf. If your friend is happy with her as a gf, then it really isn’t your business to intervene. If your friend becomes sufficiently unhappy, she’ll say something.
Having to always bluntly say what is on your mind and gently avoiding harming the feelings of others are actually diametrically opposed approaches. Pick one.October 6, 2018 at 12:49 pm #802052
I get it. Hopefully, your friend will soon tire of such controlling nonsense and MOA. She can find a less batshit crazy gf.