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Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

HELP getting married in a few months and my fiancé has been shady

Home Forums Advice & Chat HELP getting married in a few months and my fiancé has been shady

  • This topic has 8 replies, 3 voices, and was last updated 1 month ago by Kate.
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  • #1109990 Reply
    Chantel
    Guest

    So my fiancé and I have been engaged for almost a year and getting married in a few months. We’ve been together since summer 2019. I just found out that one year into our relationship after telling me he loves me and could see himself with me forever he was flirting with other women (sending heart eyes, making inappropriate flirtatious comments) on social media and on Xbox and he was still in contact with women that he’s talked to in the past. He has also told me that some of his girl “friends” he was with sexually years ago(I asked him previously if he had slept with any of his friends and he said no). I feel heart broken like our entire relationship was a lie because if I had known all of this back then there would be no chance we would still be together. He claims he realized what he was doing was wrong and that he has never and will never step out on our relationship it was all “just flirting” He claims that he stopped in 2020 focused his attention on us and eventually proposed. He seems to have “grown” past what he’s done but this is new to me so I’m in shock and my trust is broken… I know he never physically cheated on me but it still hurts….. how can I move past this and still get married in a few months?

    #1109999 Reply
    Kate
    Keymaster

    I have questions. How did you find all this out? How do you know for sure when this activity started and stopped?

    #1110011 Reply
    anonymousse
    Participant

    Don’t get married in a few months!

    Seriously! Stop this insanity.

    #1110017 Reply
    Copa
    Participant

    I also wondered how you discovered all of this two years after-the-fact.

    Either way, you shouldn’t marry someone you don’t trust. I’d not be interested in sharing a life and future with a man like this, but I’d wager working with a therapist would be the best way to try to get past this if that’s something you want to try. Either way, you should pump the brakes on the relationship and at a minimum postpone your wedding.

    #1110028 Reply
    Kate
    Keymaster

    Ok, based on this:

    “ I feel heart broken like our entire relationship was a lie because if I had known all of this back then there would be no chance we would still be together.”

    And this:

    “ I’m in shock and my trust is broken… ”

    You can’t and shouldn’t move past this and get married in a few months. I still want to know how this all came to light, because in the best possible case, if he volunteered this information so that you could have total transparency, and he’s being 100% honest in everything he’s told you, and he’s been completely devoted to you and your relationship for the past 2 years, then I would say there’s a possibility you can rebuild trust and move forward. Read “I Love you But I Don’t Trust You” by Mira Kirshenbaum to see what that could look like. And it will involve time and professional help to do it right, so the wedding should be postponed.

    But the worst (and sadly probably more likely) case scenario is that you discovered some information, he did damage control to assure you that it was ONLY that and nothing more, but that in fact there is and was a lot more going on than he’s admitting. Generally, people who are flirting and sexting and still talking to their exes and lying about it a year into a serious relationship, don’t stop doing stuff like that. There’s a reason they were doing that crap, and it doesn’t just go away. If there is ANY indication that there might be more going on than he’s already admitted, you should get out now.

    #1110029 Reply
    Fyodor
    Guest

    I can’t emphasize this enough-it is almost certainly the case that what you discovered is not the complete story.

    #1110032 Reply
    anonymousse
    Participant

    Fyodor is a man, and one I believe of character and I would trust that he’s correct about that. That is almost always the case. The evidence left behind is not the full story.

    Is this a guy who is even ready to be a husband? To be married? I don’t think he is. Getting married when you have serious doubts and trust issues like this would be a very bad decision.

    #1110045 Reply
    ron
    Guest

    Don’t marry this guy. Breaking an engagement may be a chaotic, emotional Hell, but the inevitable divorce will be far worse, especially if you have a child with this guy. I bet he’s had sex with some of these women he flirts with. If you and he are a couple with marriage potential, you should be in the honeymoon phase now and he shouldn’t feel any need to flirt or sleep with other women. That he is flirting, and on social media which you apparently were able to access, means that even in this honeymoon period he is unable to give you his full focus and attention. It only goes downhill from here. MOA. In a year, you’ll thank yourself for making that choice.

    #1110047 Reply
    Kate
    Keymaster

    Yup. I know it might feel like it would be awful and expensive and embarrassing to call off or postpone the wedding, and maybe that if you could just get to the marriage part then everything would be fine, but unfortunately it doesn’t work that way, and trying to get out of a marriage is a huge messy expensive deal. So much better to break up now because you’ve discovered information that prevents you from marrying him, and people will respect that.

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