From a LW:
“I’m in a “situationship” with this older man I’ve been talking to for 3.5 months long distance. It has been great in so many ways. For example, he is very caring (despite giving me a lot of tough love- I suppose that’s the father in him as he is 51 with two kids who aren’t too far off from my age, I am 23), he is intelligent and offers many things to talk about, he is a good listener and remembers the things I say to him, he is hardworking, etc But of course there is both external conflict where we have no control over factors such as distance and the 29-year age gap (which is very taboo for his family and likewise mine). Then there are more personal conflicts such as he is in a very different point in his life as am I where long term. So it seems there are so many things working against us yet I need to believe, he is in my life for a reason as no other man has ever stayed in my life this long except my first ex of 2 years, so I feel this is meaningful.
The one time we met in person, it was very limited time, as he was visiting family in New Jersey for his daughter’s spring break and he found a way to sneak out but his family had no clue and was badgering him on when he would come back and were suspicious. But even in that short amount of time we were together it felt absolutely magical and so intense. The sparks flew like crazy and we had such intense chemistry, it was unlike any feeling and I crave it so much again. The problem is now he is experiencing health issues with his condition where it started to occur before he met me and visited the doctor. So all of this said, I have not seen him for weeks and cannot till he is finally able to get treatment again, at least a few weeks from now. And while I feel so horrible for him and helpless every single day as he is in pain, it does weigh on me as it’s taken a toll on our relationship where we can’t really be intimate over the phone since it’s too painful for him, he is also as a whole in a worse mood, I am too, we have had more disagreements/fights and now it is like “is this worth it?” because I know good things never come easy and you have to work in relationships, but I also at times don’t feel my needs are met as frequently as I would like from him, such as needing more verbal affection as I cannot have that physical affection and he is not a mushy gushy person.
We have different love languages and I acknowledge that, but I have told him I need more affection and I know it’s so not in his nature. And he has gotten better with it, but I don’t feel I should have to ask for it. I am a very sensitive and emotional and soft person, I more times think with my heart (total ENFJ here) while he’s the total opposite and is very logical, critical thinking (an INFJ). We have those differences and that is not to say he hasn’t shown me care and love in other ways, he has, but I wonder to myself if this will be enough to sustain my needs especially since I am not seeing him in person often at all. And I told him I will not be able to see him in May as I will be busy with finals, and I do NOT want to wait 2 extra months to see him (till I am out of school) because at that point its almost 6 months of “serious talking” and not having an official relationship, which none of us feel comfortable claiming as you need more time with a person in person to determine that even though I like him a lot. And it takes so much patience on my end- which I am not used to. And even if we wind up together there will be a lot of adversities moving forward like acceptance from the family (both sides) and that alone is tough, along with all the other things.
I just am having a hard time as I want to hold onto hope but it seems there is such a big storm and it is like, “when will this clear up?” because he is special to me, but then it’s like there are so many other men who are a little bit younger, can speak my love language better, live closer, and maybe help support me financially or gift me from time to time as I really need that as a struggling student I guess the point I am trying to get at is I don’t know which road to go down anymore and I hate to think I “wasted” months of my life on someone who maybe isn’t supposed to be mine even though I want him to be, as I have never done that before.
If you have any insight you can give me that would be so helpful to me. “
Oh no. Girl, he’s married! He’s chatting with you to feel alive, but he is very much married and this isn’t going to go anywhere.
What do you want from him that you can’t get from a local guy in his 20s? Are you looking for financial support? This seems like a massive waste of time.LisforLeslieMarch 29, 2023 at 11:59 am #1119398
Yeah, he’s very much married. And has kids your age. Ew.
You are using him as an escape from your own reality. You should be focused on school and getting a job and starting your life. I’m this guy’s age. Dating a 23 year old sounds… exhausting. I’m sure he loves the attention you give, but if he’s providing ‘fatherly’ guidance – then he’s not your partner, he’s your substitute dad. And that’s not a healthy partnership.
I also think this stuff about his health condition is likely an excuse. The real story is his wife is paying attention to his actions, as spouses do. He likes the validation you give him, but that’s all that’s happening here. She’s watching his finances too I’m sure.
Yep, agree that he is married/ partnered up, and his wife likely learned about your existence around the time you and the guy met in person. This would explain why he’s less available to you since then and is making up excuses for why he can’t see you in person again any time soon. This is a super unhealthy dynamic and you should stick with guys closer your own age and more local. Also agree that if what you’re looking for is financial support, a sugar baby site would be better than whatever this is that you’ve got with the older married guy.AnonymousseMarch 30, 2023 at 3:19 pm #1119423
Wow, no man has ever stayed in your life this long (3.5 months long distance) except your ex.
That is NOT a selling point! 3.5 months is not a long time at all.
He’s over twice your age, with kids and a wife. That’s why he could only sneak out that one time you saw him and is at a completely different stage of life than you are. He’s sending his kids to school, you’re in school. He literally has more in common with your parents. Does he have a daughter your age? Creepy!
I’m sorry for the judgement because really, I am wondering why this is the guy you’d go for. You’re 23, conceivably you could literally have anyone. Why a 51 year old creep, that doesn’t want to see you, who barely gives you time?
Do you have family issues? Money problems? Where did you meet?AnonymousseMarch 30, 2023 at 3:24 pm #1119424
Also, let it be said if your married boyfriend has to sneak off from his vacation with his family to see you…you really need to do some self reflection, too. You’re 23 but you’re old enough to know what a marriage is, and you should not get involved with involved people.
Do you have friends and a life outside of this guy and school?
He’s older enough to be able to dazzle you with things he has learned from dazzling probably a series of young women. 23 year old guys can be gauche, for sure, and I totally understand the attraction of someone with more experience of the world- but this man is totally inauthentic, it’s actually pretty easy to be fascinating if you have charm and nearly 30 years of experience to draw on, and predatory older men whose wives no longer give them the uncritical adoration they enjoy will seek it out from younger women, while enjoying all the perks of perkier youth. He is married, messing you about, and you will find that level of connection with someone else at some point. The first time you find someone you connect with so strongly it seems “meant” or unique, or like you have found your soulmate, but there will be many possible much better connections, just as deep and absorbing in your future. Don’t waste your time or tears.
It sounds like you’re having a tough time processing your emotions and dealing with the difficulties of an intergenerational relationship. There are benefits to your relationship, but you should also be honest about the difficulties you face, such as the age difference and the distance.
You say that you and your partner speak different “love languages,” and that you’ve already told him you want more physical touch but feel guilty about doing so. It’s possible that your partner just doesn’t know how to express affection in the way that you need, but keep in mind that everyone communicates and expresses love differently. You could benefit from being completely forthright with him about your affection needs and how he can fulfill them.
Considering the age difference, you should think carefully about the difficulties you might encounter in a long-term relationship with this man. You both bring up the possibility that neither of your families will accept the relationship, which could be a major roadblock. As the two of you spend more time together, you may also begin to notice other discrepancies between your respective ways of life and priorities.
You and your partner are the only ones who can decide if the benefits of your relationship are worth the difficulties. It could be beneficial, however, to stop and consider whether or not this relationship is providing you with what you need and want. Be patient and willing to work through difficulties if you choose to keep the relationship going. All the best!