Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Help me gain back his trust!

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  • #863656 Reply
    avatarTegan
    Guest

    I’ve been seeing a guy unofficially for like a year now. A week after i first met him, I slept with another guy which was a one time thing and did not contact afterwards. Three months into the relationship we first had the “what are we” talk where we both disclosed our feelings for one another and he wanted to remain unofficial but we agreed to tell each other in the event that we hooked up with someone on a one off situation. During this conversation I had told him that I hadn’t been seeing anyone else during the entire time I had been seeing him which was a lie. I told him this because I did not think it was relevant to disclose as the contact with the other guy had long since ended and i had not seen anyone else since. The other day, he found out about this other guy by reading my diary. He was extremely hurt and angry. Its been 3 days since then and nothing has changed. He refuses to understand my explanations of the reality of the situation and insists that I am still lying and claims that I have been seeing other people the entire time, which i have not. I really feel as though this relationship is worth saving. I know I need to give him space but how long should I wait before reaching out? Also how can I prove to him that he can trust me not to hurt him again and show him that I’m not that person anymore?
    Thanks in advance.

    #863692 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    HE READ YOUR DIARY!!!

    Look, this guy has been seeing you for a year and not wanted to progress to any other level. This situationship was never going anywhere. But then he grossly violated your privacy! Come on, that’s when you drop him like a hot rock.

    Realistically there’s a very good chance he hooked up with people too, and that’s why he’s acting like this. Cheaters (not that there was cheating here technically but you did say you’d disclose to each other) and liars don’t trust other people and will snoop around and be accusatory.

    “ insists that I am still lying and claims that I have been seeing other people the entire time, which i have not.”

    See, HE probably is lying to you and has been seeing other people. And he’s projecting on you.

    But omg, he read your diary!!!!!

    #863702 Reply
    avatarMiss MJ
    Guest

    You don’t “gain back his trust” and you don’t reach out. You run as fast as you can the other way. Seriously, this guy is bad news – privacy invading, overreacting, controlling and gaslighting you over something that happened well before you became official (though it’s not clear you ever were official). No. Just no.

    #863713 Reply
    avatarHelen
    Guest

    What they said. RUN. What you did was nothing. This dude is invading your privacy and most likely accusing you of what he is doing. Run

    #863801 Reply
    avatarron
    Guest

    Why? He’s awful and you did nothing wrong. You and he have not had an exclusivity agreement, even today. This was in your first week together. He is guilting you in order to control you. Sounds like the wind-up to life with a manipulative abuser. Just MOA and find a better guy.

    #863809 Reply
    avataranonymousse
    Participant

    he wanted to remain unofficial

    He has no right to make demands on you as if your his gf when you aren’t. Sure, you made a promise to disclose, but why do you think he never wanted to be official with you?

    And WTF he broke your trust by reading your diary.

    RUN AWAY.

    #863857 Reply
    avatarFyodor
    Guest

    ” I really feel as though this relationship is worth saving. ”

    You are mistaken

    #864041 Reply
    avatarbloodymediocrity
    Participant

    You got it backwards. He needs to be earning back your trust for violating your privacy.

    #864047 Reply
    Kate B.Kate B.
    Guest

    I had this happen to me when I was younger. A boyfriend read my diary without my permission. I had written about my unrequited feelings for another guy I’d met before I dated this boyfriend, whom he happened to know, and he held that against me. He was jealous. He would always bring it up whenever he was feeling insecure (which was often). He accused me of keeping secrets and lying. I didn’t have the words to tell him what I should have told him: This happened before we were together; I’m not with him; it’s none of your business, reading my diary without permission is absolutely out of line, and we’re done. (This relationship lasted way longer than it should have.) So I understand how violated you must feel. Please do what I should have done: dump him and don’t buy into his gaslighting shit. However (and now for the potentially unpopular part), I’m wondering why you chose to lie about the previous guy. Was there a reason why you couldn’t say, “There was someone, but it’s over now and we don’t talk anymore”? I get that your were unofficial and you say that you didn’t think it was relevant, but you were agreeing to tell each other about hookups, so I’m confused. It’s a small lie, but it’s still a lie, by your own admission. I can understand why he would feel hurt and angry. THAT DOES NOT GIVE HIM THE RIGHT TO READ YOUR DIARY. Dump him and move on.

    #864061 Reply
    avatarEssie
    Participant

    I suspect you didn’t tell him about the one night stand because even then, you knew he’d flip out if you did.

    You were barely dating him when you slept with that guy – or were you even dating? You say it was a week after you met him. You had not yet made your “we’ll tell each other about hookups” agreement. You are not exclusive, even now.

    What’s happening now is a whole parade of red flags. Look at how he’s got you groveling for his forgiveness and begging him to trust you again – for what? Look at the absurd accusations he’s making, and you’re chasing after him, wanting him to believe you.

    But, most importantly –

    HE READ YOUR DIARY. Dealbreaker. Absolute dealbreaker. That’s an unforgivable violation of privacy, and I would have broken up with him on the spot.

    What does that say about the way he sees you? He thinks you’re so untrustworthy that he has to go snooping in your diary. He thinks you were cheating on him throughout your relationship, and therefore have been lying to him for a year. Why do you want to be with someone who thinks so little of you?

    Stop trying to convince him that you’re the right woman for him, and start thinking about whether he’s the right man for you.

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