- This topic has 15 replies, 3 voices, and was last updated 2 weeks, 4 days ago by Daisy.
May 6, 2022 at 11:25 am #1109182Dear WendyKeymaster
From a LW:
“My boyfriend and I just moved into together. Before I moved in, he had some boundaries issues but not dramatic, “I miss you so much.” After I moved in, I started to see changes in his behavior. He began assuming I was inviting another guy over, talking to another guy on the phone, or just implied there was always another guy. It is offensive because I have not cheated and do not condone the behavior. I have reassured him this isn’t the case. I allow him to go through my phone at any moment because I have nothing to hide. However, he sees this as a breach of personal trust. But he still continues to mistrust me in person or over text. If I show up to school early and massage him, his response, “so you left to meet a guy… “or he makes the excuse he is in his head too much. He works the third shift and always seems to overthink while at work. I am in nursing school I have to focus on the material being taught. I gave in to his constant attention and failed my first exams. I am trying to turn my focus back to school, and he thinks I don’t love him, or he’s back to thinking…. Again. I get text responding, “I’m just thinking…” typically means he imagines a scenario that never occurred of me cheating.
The text I have become very accustomed to: “Make sure he leaves before I get home”, he this and he that… “this activity is sus”
Well I don’t look at his behavior as “sus” because I don’t look at the world as if everyone is lying or cheating. I believe in everyone until being proven they don’t deserve my trust. Not the other way around. Which is hard for me to wrap my head around. I can’t imagine looking at everyone as liars.
For example, Last night, I was focused on studying Pharmacology, and I got a text suggesting there was another guy because I turned off my Facebook activity. (A earlier fight because I didn’t respond fast enough when my FB activity showed I was active. FYI I somethings scowl aimlessly through FB to give my head a break from the constant studying) I told him why I turned it off – referring to the previous argument. Telling him, I was sick of being monitored. He claimed my FB activity had been on and off throughout the past few days. However, I turned it off after the argument before and never turned it back on. Then he agreed he was overstepping, apologized, then continued to text me that he was sorry, loved me, and couldn’t wait to be home to see me. Fast forward to the morning. I am in bed; I feel him snuggle with me for a while, then got up. I have a meeting with my professor to go over the material from the exam at 9 am. I stretched, pulled the blanket up, looked down at my phone to check the time, looked up, and said “good morning” to my boyfriend standing in the doorway. Before I could get my greeting fully out, he already assumed I was hiding something. I got livid. I just woke up; why WHY is he still thinking I am cheating. I have done nothing to deserve this treatment. I yelled at him because I couldn’t control the honest anger of getting accused of nothing again. Constantly being put on the spot for cheating will break you down because it never happened. I am afraid to have friends let alone guy friends, for fear of being accused of cheating. He leaves silently and sits in the laundry room(a place he goes to be alone after attempting to leave. I didn’t force him to stay). At this point, I am mad that the first thing I experience in the morning is being accused of cheating. Then getting the silent treatment like he has nothing else to say to me. At this point, I’ll settle with, excuse my language, a f***ing apology. I sit with him in the laundry room after collecting myself. Remind him that I genuinely love him but am frustrated with the constant fighting over whether I am loyal. I am not leaving. I never thought of leaving. I want the constant assuming there is someone to stop. I will not cheat.
He texted me after the meeting before I could eat lunch, “I know you’re busy, but will you snuggle with me for a while” I went in and snuggled him, reassuring him I will not leave. I laid there an hour. He began rubbing me which I honestly don’t enjoy like a guy enjoys being rubbed. I don’t have the heart to tell him with the fear of being put in the scenario of cheating again. I just told him, “babe, I need to study. He turned away from me and replied, “I am just thinking….” I am now typing this instead of reviewing pharm to get everything out. Just because I don’t want sex at the moment doesn’t mean I don’t find him attractive or don’t want sex. I just honestly need to pass my classes. Which is all I can think about… When I am not stressed or constantly being accused, I can focus on sex.”May 6, 2022 at 1:19 pm #1109187peggyGuest
Hi. You need to ditch this guy! He is insecure, obsessive, and this will just get worse. He could escalate to physical violence, and he is already emotionally abusive, badgering and not believing you.
All this is bad enough, but often people like this are cheaters themselves and that is why don’t trust you, because they know they themselves are untrustworthy.
You need to be careful and cautious when leaving or kicking him out, and he could be the type to stalk you or try to retaliate somehow. Do not engage and stay in contact after you break it off.
You may not want to hear this, but it is your only option. Nothing you say or do will ever convince him and life will always be miserable. You deserve much better, peace and love. I wish you well.May 6, 2022 at 1:27 pm #1109188
Yes, this is abuse. And it will escalate to violence. Please talk to a counselor and your family that you trust, and make a plan to safely get out of there. This man isn’t insecure or an over thinker, he’s an abuser. Read up on the cycle of abuse – on a school computer – and you’ll see. Talk to a counselor at school. This is serious.May 6, 2022 at 1:29 pm #1109189
The unwanted touching and sexual coercion is already physical abuse. But these patterns escalate to violence.May 6, 2022 at 1:46 pm #1109190CopaParticipant
+1 for getting a plan together and leaving ASAP.
The boyfriend I had in my early 20s was controlling and over the course of the years we dated, he went from normal-seeming nice guy to the guy demanding I change outfits because he didn’t want me leaving the house in shorts lest I cheat on him once another man realized I had legs. By the time our relationship ended (to @peggy’s point, he cheated), I had become pretty isolated because like you, I was trying to keep the peace. The only solution is to leave, though. There will be no peace with your boyfriend being the way he is. His behavior is already escalating and will continue to get worse, not better. You deserve better and there is happiness (not to mention, lots of actual good men!) on the other side. Good luck!May 6, 2022 at 2:06 pm #1109191ronGuest
Agree with all of above. Lw — this guy has you jumping through hoops like a trained seal and you obviously aren’t happy. You are actively destroying your own future by flunking exams because you waste time and mental energy trying to appease this asshole. I don’t know what you mean by you ‘love’ him and would never leave him. I can’t understand why an obviously intelligent person would love the situation you are in or the person who put you in it. It seems very clear that although you might have some love for him, that you don’t like him and that you hate the situation he has put him in. Why are you wasting time and $ on attending nursing school, if you so readily allow this guy to put you on the path of flunking out? It makes no sense. I think he does want you to flunk out. He wants you both to have no alternatives or power and to be as uneducated as he is.May 6, 2022 at 2:16 pm #1109192
I think he wants you to flunk out too. He doesn’t want you to be successful and have options, because then you can’t leave him.
I do get why this feels like love to you. He seems to care for you so much, and I’m sure he can be very loving and sweet when he’s not harassing you. That’s how abusers are. It’s not really love, though, it’s just sick shit masquerading as love.May 6, 2022 at 2:50 pm #1109193Ready To MingleGuest
Please leave! My ex husband used to do this to me all the time. He would accuse me out of the blue all the time of sleeping with his friends, or other made up interactions. He would tell me I told him I did these things. I started to think I was going crazy. And to the others’ point, it turned out he had been cheating on me all those years. It will not stop. You will not convince him. It will ruin you. You don’t have to stay just because you once told someeone you loved them and that you wouldn’t leave. Repeat after me — YOUR LIFE and YOUR HAPPINESS Matter! If the apartment is yours, make him leave. Tell him that if he cannot trust you, there is no need for the relationship. You have to be strong. It will be hard. He will guilt trip you and also tell you that now he knows he was right all along.
Whatever. It doesn’t matter. Don’t waste any more time!!!May 6, 2022 at 3:03 pm #1109194CopaParticipant
As someone who still feels a bit embarrassed even 10+ years later that I gave a controlling and manipulative loser like the ex I mentioned the time of day for a couple years when I was young and didn’t immediately bolt when I realized how not okay his behavior toward me was, I feel inclined to point out that intelligence has nothing to do with why people who otherwise have a lot going for them end up in bad relationships with shitty people. They suck you in with charm and make you feel loved, and the inappropriate behavior starts subtly and slowly then worsens. It’s really not hard to believe at all.
And yes, I had the same thought about LW’s boyfriend wanting her to flunk out. Sounds like she’s already started pulling away from others and I’ll bet he’s pleased about that, too.May 6, 2022 at 3:38 pm #1109195KateGuest
Yeah, it’s absolutely not true that abuse victims are dumb, or even that abusers are. For all we know, this guy could be a medical professional himself. There weee some weird assumptions in that post.May 6, 2022 at 3:47 pm #1109196golfer.galGuest
What the others have said: this isn’t love, this is abuse. And it will get worse. My ex husband used to say the exact same things, and I mean exact, as in, “make sure he leaves before I get home”. There was constantly another “he”. I never cheated on him, not once. I can tell you, in the 11 years we were together he never stopped accusing me of cheating, and his behavior got worse and worse until I’d had enough and I left. There is literally nothing you can do to make him believe you aren’t cheating, to prove your trustworthiness, because it isn’t about you. Now, in my middle 30s, I’m with a wonderful man who trusts me because I’m worthy of trust. Please save yourself years of verbal and emotional abuse, and very possibly physical abuse. Check out http://www.thehotline.org, talk to people you trust, and get out of this relationship as fast as you canMay 6, 2022 at 4:22 pm #1109198TuiParticipant
LW it’s good you realise this is not normal behaviour and it will destroy you. Like the others say, coercive control is a form of abuse. Whatever you do will never be enough to reassure him. Just be prepared that when you do end things, there’s likely to be apologies, promises to seek therapy, threats to harm himself or grand gestures like a proposal. Don’t be taken in. It’s not your job to fix him, so don’t offer to support him through it as he’ll just suck you back into the toxicity. I’m sorry.