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HELP! MY BOYFRIEND & HIS HOUSEMATE!

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  • This topic has 7 replies, 3 voices, and was last updated 1 week ago by Megan.
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  • #1092032 Reply
    Jess
    Guest

    Hello everyone!

    I’m having a bit of a mare at the moment with my boyfriend (Ben) of a year’s new housemate to the point we’re on the verge of breaking up & need some advice, please 🙂

    A bit of background info – he currently lives with one other guy and two girls. One of the girls I get on really well with and the other Sophie is the one I’m having an issue with.

    I’m a super awkward person when I first meet people and usually after a few drinks my confident chatty side comes out.

    The first time I met Sophie we weren’t drinking and we barely spoke. It was super awkward (from both of our perspectives) but I got a bit annoyed because whenever I left the room she’d get all chatty and giggly with Ben. So instantly there’s a bit of a weird vibe I’ve got from her.

    So then for the next month or so, I invited their whole house to drinks at mine at least once or twice a week (we’re quite a social house) including my birthday party and Sophie didn’t once came. We had a bottomless brunch booked for my birthday and a spare ticket, she said she would only come if she didn’t have to pay for the ticket (so I would be paying for her lol).

    During this time she told her house that she thought I hated her and my boyfriend gave me quite a hard time saying I needed to make more effort. We then spent a lot of nights arguing as I felt like I was making the effort to invite her all the time but she just never came. I also didn’t feel comfortable going to theirs as she’d been saying that I didn’t like her etc and was just super awkward. I also texted her saying sorry it’s super awkward, theres no drama I’m a bit shy and invited her to a big girls brunch we’re organising.

    Fast forward to my birthday, and I get their guy housemate coming at me saying this is all my fault and made me cry – I again just continued to say I have literally invited her to everything I’m not sure how that screams I hate you…

    About a week later I went to Ben’s for the first time since I first met Sophie and it was just the two of us there. I was only there for a few hours then left again. The next morning she apparently caused a scene with the other two (Ben was at mine by this point) claiming someone had been in her room asking if I’d been there. I didn’t go in her room and noone else came in or out of the house between us leaving and her coming back later that night so she’s either super forgetful or is making it up.

    Ben and I again had arguments about it as he just doesn’t stick up for me! If one of my housemates was blaming him for something I know he didn’t do I’d fight to the death for his cause and have his back!!!

    Anyways so last weekend they had a bbq at theirs. We all imagined that this would be the perfect opportunity for us to just get to know each other and put it to bed but instead, the minute I got into their house and was saying hello’s she walked out of the room. I then went into the other room to say hi and hug her but she avoided me for the rest of the evening. Later that night she had a massive fight with the other guy and girl that live there as she was refusing to help clear up (me and Ben had gone by this point) and was threatening to move out.

    Her moving out would have been perfect, but now it looks like her words were empty and she’s here to stay.

    My boyfriend finally saw she was actually being a bit childish and had a kind word with her, to which she then invited me and the girls i live with out for dinner (no mention of an apology or it being awkward). He now thinks she’s an angel for making the effort (this is infuriating for me since when I was making a lot of effort it was never enough).

    So basically now I feel like it’s too late for dinner, if she struggled to say hi to me how can she expect to sit and eat a meal with me lol. I’ve kind of come to the end and don’t want anything to do with her, but it’s causing me and Ben massive issues. He obviously wants to be friendly with her but I really struggle and feel like he’s taking her ‘side’ and hasn’t got my back.

    What should I do?

    Sorry for the SUPER long message!

    Also we’re 26 (suprising given how immature this all is)

    #1092041 Reply
    FYI
    Guest

    Go to dinner if she invites you.

    If you want to stop having fights and pettiness around this, then just be nice to her when you see her and deflect any accusations from anyone else. “Sophie is cool! We’re good, thanks.” Repeat ad infinitum. End of story.

    Drop your end of the rope. That includes thinking your boyfriend should fight to the death for you or whatever.

    #1092046 Reply
    Bittergaymark
    Guest

    Oh for crying out loud — you barely said Hi to HER. Pot meet Kettle. You’re bizarrely holding her to standards you yourself fail to meet. Honestly? If she can be chatty and friendly with everybody but you… well, NEWSFLASH! Then You are the fucking problem. 🤷‍♂️

    #1092052 Reply
    Kate
    Keymaster

    It’s possible that Sophie likes your boyfriend, and/or just gets a bad vibe from you. Both could be true, who knows. The bigger issue is you’re about to break up with your boyfriend over this. That’s actually what matters: the conflict you two are having in a 1-year relationship over a new housemate. The thing is, you and Sophie don’t have to love each other, and it should not be causing you and your boyfriend to argue repeatedly. I think the two of you are unfortunately not compatible. The fact that everyone is taking Sophie’s side could mean she’s really good at manipulating people OR it could mean you’re a pill. I don’t know. But what I do know is your boyfriend is prioritizing his relationship with her over his relationship with you, and it’s time to exit. Otherwise, what, you’re going to walk on eggshells forever so he’ll approve of how you’re getting along with his housemate? You can try that and see what happens but this doesn’t look good.

    #1092055 Reply
    Copa
    Participant

    This is way too much drama.

    Do you want to know what makes things awkward? Announcing that things are awkward. Why do you need to text her that things are awkward or expect her to do the same when she invites you to dinner? At 26, you should be able to make small talk with someone you’ve just met (yes, even if you’re sober) instead of sitting there in uncomfortable silence then giving that person the stink eye for being able to carry on a conversation with your boyfriend.

    Anyway, you’re never obligated to become friends with or maintain friendships with anyone and that includes Sophie. You can be friendly and nice to her without being her friend. You should be able to exist in the same space as someone you dislike without things being dramatic or awkward. I can understand your boyfriend wanting to keep the peace so that his living situation isn’t unpleasant, but I do think it’s weird he is pushing you two to be friends who hang out and taking her side. If you don’t want to go to dinner, don’t go to dinner.

    #1092176 Reply
    Karebear1813
    Participant

    As other have pointed out, you are not REQUIRED to be this persons friend. You should, of coarse, be polite and say “Hi, How are you” and move on.

    Why is your b/f insisting that you become ” friends” with this roommate? Why are we including roommates to hang out and carry this much drama to our social events. Having roommates does not have to equate to a meaningful friendship, and nor should they expect the person they are seeing to make “efforts” in forming a relationship with their roommate.

    This isn’t an episode of F.R.I.E.N.D.S or any other show that depicts roommates must be close and involved with each other.

    you guys are fighting way to much over this roommate and honestly, I think b/f is in the wrong. He should have never cared if his roommate and you get along.

    #1092209 Reply
    brise
    Guest

    Indeed you ALL sound very immature. The immature thing is to think that you have to live as a pack all together all the time, like inviting your BF’s roommates twice a week (why?).
    There will be instances when you don’t get along with someone in your life, it will happen to you at work, in your family with new people, in your circle of friends: it happens to everybody, that’s life. You have to manage such occurrences. Don’t overreact and learn something: indifference.
    Just be indifferent to her. Be a poker face. Never say: “it is akward”, that is so damn naive and transparent. Don’t pursue either anyone in an other room who tries to avoid you. Let them avoid you and thank heavens that they spare you from their presence.
    Just be amicable and superficial with her. Nobody asks you to be great friends. Take her presence as a noise or nuisance in your life like any other aspects that you don’t enjoy but are just there and you have to cope with.
    You also have to take a long and hard look at yourself because there is something strange in being unable to talk to someone new without drinking and being always together at all times. Learn to be at peace with yourself and seek the company of people you like. Simple.
    About your boyfriend: indifference about Sophie. You are very much not interested in speaking about her, make it boring. Stop synchronizing with that woman, don’t fall into this trap.
    I wouldn’t go to the dinner either, especially with the boyfriend. Be busy, tell her later, now this is the summer so you don’t have time. Delay it. Meanwhile, observe your boyfriend. Put an end to the drama and see what happens with him, his relationship with you.
    If he insists about you being friends with this roommate, just say: I don’t get along with her, but that is ok, don’t worry.
    It is your right not to get along with someone, as long as you are decent with them. He shouldn’t push like this.
    Focus on your relationship with him, Sophie-free.

    #1095115 Reply
    Megan
    Guest

    Wow, this is utter nonsense. Who cares what your boyfriends roommate thinks of you. If your bf does, dump him. Its not a viable relationship. I can tell from the length of your post that you are hyper focused on this non issue. Whatever you do, please channel this energy into something more productive.

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