Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Help with my sister

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This topic contains 7 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by avatar SpaceySteph 3 weeks, 5 days ago.

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  • #805530 Reply
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    Vivien

    Hi
    Really need help
    My sister was diagnosed
    with cancer in May and responding
    Well
    I am torn we are only 18 months age difference in our 60.s
    I am married with loads of granchildren and a husband in his 70.s I never got on with her all my life because she is everything I’m not selfish.. greedy she was very close to my older sister who died 5 years ago
    For some reason she tagged along with me afterwards as she is divorced and has 1 son who has no time for her at all
    Since her diagnosis in May she has expected more and more from me
    Running her for treatment doctors ect taking her out for meals ect
    Ian also raising one of my grandaughter since she was a tiny baby she is now 8
    I am sick of her treating me as A unpaid taxi driver we have 2 other siblings who don’t want to know
    So I’m left on my own with her
    I take her to all my groups I have joined and she constantly speaks her mind and always looking for anything going Free.she has takenher diagnosis well and just being her usual self.
    But I am worn out nobody wants to chip in as all the family don’t like her. but as a favour they did step in to help me when I went on holiday for a week and went round to her home to cook for ect as she had an operation.
    She crossed the line last week when she tore a strip off me in front of my friends calling me a bully because I asked her to be quiet at a very important meeting
    With a lot of Carers thier
    I was mortified and she just carried on talking when I told her how upset I was
    I have texted her and told her I have had enough now
    She hasn’t contacted me again
    But my daughter and a few of my friends have asked me to forgive her and made me feel uncomfortable
    Regarding her illness. My daughter or these friends have offered to go round to help but putting the onus back on me I’m broken. Any feedback really appreciated
    .

    #805549 Reply
    Skyblossom
    Skyblossom
    Participant

    You can give as much or as little to your sister as you want. That is your decision. The fact that your other siblings and her own son refuse to interact with her says a lot about how difficult and unpleasant she is. If your daughter thinks the aunt needs more time tell her she can step in and help the aunt all she wants but that is between her and her aunt. The same for the friends. Tell them that if they think she needs the help and they are willing to give it that’s great. They don’t get to decide for you what you can and can’t do. You are raising a child. That comes first anyway. When someone demands a lot from you and then isn’t even thankful for what you do and instead is rude it is time to draw a line between you and them. You get to decide how much, if any, that you give.

    • This reply was modified 4 weeks, 1 day ago by Skyblossom Skyblossom.
    #805552 Reply
    Skyblossom
    Skyblossom
    Participant

    I can tell you that when I was in high school and drove my grandmother to a doctor’s appointment she had me drive to a restaurant after the appointment and told me she always bought lunch for whoever drove her to her appointment. She considered it important to thank the person who drove her. Your sister is the opposite. She feels entitled to a ride and a meal and gives no thank you. Your sister is demanding and entitled and lacking gratitude or the basic understanding that you are giving up something in order to prioritize her. She doesn’t treat you with respect. You have the right to say you are done.

    #805559 Reply
    avatar
    Oracle

    Distance yourself. You have done enough. Your sister can find others to help (may have to pay for it). No reason to act as a jerk just because you have cancer. You do not want to make yourself sick. And you were doing to much to start with.

    #805568 Reply
    FireStar
    FireStar
    Participant

    Introduce your sister to uber.
    You can forgive your sister…but you have to be asked first. I didn’t hear the part where she apologised. Before you can forgive her, she needs to say sorry. She either will or she won’t. If she won’t then problem solved – she apparently doesn’t need you and can manage fine alone. If she does apologize, then this is a great opportunity to restructure your arrangement. There are charities that drive people to hospitals etc. Have her or your helpful daughter find one. Tell her you will see her x times for y events during the week. You aren’t her maid servant…raising an 8 year old takes work and time. You’re busy. And if anyone gives you grief, feel free to invite them to assume the indentureship since they are so concerned.

    #805620 Reply
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    brise

    There is something between no contact at all and introduce your sister to all your groups of friends. Those are the two extremes, but perhaps you can find a better solution in between, with less drama. I would understand your decision to stop the relationship, though, if she has been invasive and you have exhausted yourself for her sake. If you are done, you are done. But if you want to find a workable balance and still maintain a minimal contact, you can also tell her: “I will do this, and this only (that you decide is OK and manageable for you). For your other needs, please contact other relatives or professional.” And you don’t answer her other calls for help, support, or whatever.
    These other people should stop pressuring you. They can also give a help themselves.

    #805657 Reply
    avatar
    LisforLeslie

    Your sister is a bully and you don’t have to put up with it. If this was a change in personality I’d suggest being patient, she might be scared and acting out. But she’s just being a jerk. Cancer doesn’t give you the right to be a jerk.

    Tell family members who demand you forgive her that you’ll consider it but while you’re thinking they have to take care of her. I’m sure they’ll step up (insert sarcastic smirk here).

    #805690 Reply
    avatar
    SpaceySteph
    Participant

    Agree with brise, you sped right past the middle ground into being attached at the hip.
    I would tell meddling family members that you would consider forgiving her if she apologizes but that the onus is still on her to come to you. And then tell them to butt out, or that they are welcome to help her too. (Also, a real apology means admitting own wrongdoing, not a token “I’m sorry” to smooth things over).
    If she does apologize and you are inclined to forgive her (or just want to shut up everyone else), shoot for the middle ground. Drive her to her appointments. Bring her soup when she’s recovering. But you don’t have to take her to all your groups and events.

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