Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Help

Viewing 12 posts - 1 through 12 (of 39 total)
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  • #812212 Reply
    avatarAnon
    Guest

    I’ve been in a relationship with my partner for 3 years now.
    He has a child with a previous partner, they broke up 2 years before I even met him. Me and the child get on brilliantly, he is 7.
    She’s always been difficult and causes a lot of drama but I’ve learnt to just accept that. Not so much anymore.
    Me and my partner are very happy together and are buying a house together in the new year. Obviously he introduced me to his son years ago, and he’s very open that our relationship is serious.
    Anyway, sometimes this bugs me. He gets a text from her (always about the child, but still) I feel like he should at least mention it to me. Most of the time he does. But sometimes he doesn’t. When I ask him why he didn’t mention that particular text he gets upset at me and feels like I am accusing him of something. He asks me why I want to know word for word the conversation when it’s only ever about his son, and that I make him feel like he’s doing something wrong when he’s only arranging to see his son or receiving important information about his son.
    When I ask him to show me his phone he always does, and I realise he is hiding absolutely nothing. But by doing that he gets really upset and says I don’t trust him which I completely understand.
    I understand that, and it may be my own insecurities that is causing this.
    My partner and his child’s mother are not friends and never have been since before me and him got together. Can anyone shed some light? Am I being too controlling? I know he is doing nothing wrong, but I can’t help feeling insecure!!

    #812215 Reply
    avatarRuby Tuesday
    Guest

    Yes, you are being too controlling. Your boyfriend is right. You are wrong. Back off and let your boyfriend co-parent his kid.

    #812222 Reply
    avatarJD
    Guest

    Wtf your boyfriend has to tell you anytime his ex texts him? They have a freaking child. They have to text. Do not buy a house with him. Well never buy a house with someone you aren’t married to anyway. You are way too insecure and controlling. This will never last and you will be financially tied to an ex. And yes I am right. I promise you. Get some therapy. Your expectations are in no way realistic.

    #812224 Reply
    avatarLisforLeslie
    Guest

    Nope, not realistic at all. You know perfectly well they are not getting back together. The child is 7, you have at least 11+ years of mutual decisions to be made about the child. It is utterly ridiculous that he has to announce and inform you each time the mother makes contact with him.

    Do you do this with other women in his life or only this particular ex? He is allowed to have women in his life and not discuss every detail with you. Either you trust him to be up front and honest with you (and not cheat on you) or you don’t. If you don’t then don’t move in with him. If you need to control his environment and his friendships, then this is a doomed relationship.

    #812228 Reply
    avatarbloodymediocrity
    Participant

    I’m in the same boat as your boyfriend (7 year old child with previous wife and remarried). If my newer partner needed to be notified any time I had communication with the mother I’d go nuts. That’s really insulting. Parenting requires a lot of communication. If you can’t accept that, dating someone with a kid isn’t for you.

    #812238 Reply
    avatarron
    Guest

    Your level of jealousy and control is ridiculous. You will destroy your relationship if you keep this up. You need therapy. This level of insecurity, especially when you admit there is nothing going on between your bf and ex is simply not normal. He’s doing nothing wrong, in fact he’s bending over backwards to satisfy your insecurity. The problem is entirely you and he will get tired of dealing with this.

    #812240 Reply
    avatardinoceros
    Participant

    Yes, you’re too controlling. Even you admit that he’s only talking about the kid and that whenever you look at his phone, everything is fine. That should have been what you needed to learn to back off. The fact that you’re continuing to expect him to tell you every text and show him all the messages is really inappropriate.

    If he had written in, I’d be telling him that he needs to run in the other direction. You need to get your jealousy in check or find someone who doesn’t have kids. (And the jealously is not his problem to fix, so your solution needs to involve you and only you.)

    #812248 Reply
    avatarVathena
    Guest

    Wow. I’m not even dating you and I want to break up with you. You DON’T trust your boyfriend, he’s entirely right on that. You know he’s not doing anything wrong or shady at all, yet you keep treating him like he’s totally dishonest. Eventually he’ll figure out that there is no way for him to appease your anxiety, and he’ll get sick of your constant monitoring, suspicion, and accusations and walk. I’d advise him to do exactly that, if he wrote in. I’d be beyond pissed at my husband if he were constantly monitoring my perfectly above-board text conversations (hint: he has never once in 12 years together asked to read through my messages, nor have I done that to him). It reeks of a level of distrust and disrespect that has no place in a stable, healthy, long-term relationship.

    It doesn’t matter WHO he is texting with – his kid’s mom, his friends, whoever. You either trust him or don’t, it’s that simple. Absolutely do not move forward with a real estate purchase. You need to have a rock-solid foundation of trust and respect for your boyfriend, and you don’t have it.

    #812299 Reply
    avatarKrispyk
    Guest

    I think it’s more of your insecurities coming to okay than you being controlling. Despite your boyfriend having a child with someone else, you still feel like there may be a chance the conversation isn’t just about their son. Speak to him about the real reason you check his phone. You have to work on this issue because it will effect your future with him.

    #812304 Reply
    avatarJuliecatharine
    Guest

    You’re controlling. If your boyfriend were writing I would tell him to run like his ass was on fire. I’m horrified that you’ve bonded with this seven year old because you are in no way healthy enough to be in a relationship. Get help.

    #812305 Reply
    avatarEle4phant
    Guest

    To be a good man, he has to be a good father.

    To be a good father, he has to have a good and communicative relationship with the mother of his child.

    You want your boyfriend to be a good man right?

    I don’t really know what to tell you to help you get passed your insecurity and jealousy, but you have to or you have to move on.

    It is unreasonable for you to police the necessary communication he has with his child’s mother.

    #812309 Reply
    avatarEssie
    Participant

    This is all rhetorical, because he’s going to break up with you.

    But WHY are you considering buying a house with someone you think is such a terrible person? You think he’s lying to you. You think he’s cheating on you. You think he’s screwing his ex behind your back. You think he’s so totally untrustworthy that you have to monitor every word of his texts with his ex.

    Why are you still with him, if you truly think that about him? And if you’re wrong, and he really is the good man he sounds like from your letter, do you think he’s going to stay with you when you’ve made it clear you don’t respect him and think he’s a liar and a cheat?

    This is off-the-charts insecurity, and it’s going to prevent you from having a successful relationship with anyone. I would break it off with this guy, and spend some time in therapy to sort out the insecurity before you try dating again.

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