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Dear Wendy

He’s called me his ex’s name twice in the last 2 months

Home Forums Advice & Chat He’s called me his ex’s name twice in the last 2 months

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  • #1101500 Reply

    So the first time my fiance called my by his ex’s name was around 1.5 years ago and then the next time he called me by his ex’s name occurred this past November when it was a stressful situation. I let him off and said that if he called me her name again he would have to buy me something (I only said it to motivate him to not call me her name).

    However, early New year’s day he had drank a lot and was saying something to his family and instead of saying my name he said his ex’s name (in front of his family). I was a bit embarrassed when this happened but I let it slide then and jokingly texted him that he would be buying me a present. However, he texted me back denying he had said her name.

    When we went to get a taxi, I confronted him about it at which point he admitted to calling me by her name but blamed me and said that I had brought up something about her at dinner which is why it happened. (I had asked him who else he had been to dinner with previously at the restaurant we were in).

    We had a big argument but in the morning, I apologised and then he apologised for calling me by the wrong name.

    Last night however, it was just stewing in my head and I could feel the resentment building up. I feel like if he were to do it again, I would break up with him. Am I being extreme? I think I’m taking it too personally and it bruises my ego but I would like to be seen as my own person and also part of me wonders if I truly am in his heart if he can easily call me by the wrong name. I want to feel special to him and this is the opposite of that.

    Side note: He and his ex were together for 6 years and he started dating me 2 years after they had broken up.

    #1101502 Reply

    So… given only the information you gave here, yes, I think you’re being extreme. Everyone gets names wrong. I have absolutely said, or started to say, my ex’s name when talking about my husband, and I have no feelings at all for my ex or ever want to see him again, nor been in contact with him for over 10 years.

    But it sounds like there may be bigger problems if this is making you consider breaking up with your fiance. Sounds like trust and jealousy issues are there. Asking him who else he’s been to that restaurant with hints at that. You also say you don’t feel special. A guy you’re about to marry should make you feel special. I can’t tell enough about what’s going on here, but I hope the wedding isn’t coming up super quickly and you can get yourself to see a therapist (on your own first) and talk this out and figure out what’s going on with you and your relationship that you feel like this. If the wedding were close I’d honestly say postpone it, because you can’t get married to someone who you feel like you want to break up with if he says his ex’s name one more time.

    ETA I do want to be clear that I’m not saying you have unfounded issues or you dont. I’m not saying you are being unreasonable, just that, given the information here in this post, you are seeming to have an extreme reaction to these slip-ups. You’re not meant to have ZERO doubts about someone you’re about to marry, but you definitely should not be feeling like this – one slip of the tongue away from ending it all, fighting drunkenly on NYE, feeling like you’re not in his heart and not special. You need to address this with a counselor and figure it out, and if you don’t have access to therapy, read some books by Mira Kirshenbaum.

    #1101504 Reply

    yeah I think I get from 0 to 100 really quickly when I’m annoyed about certain things but I think lately it’s been worse because of all of the things happening in my life.

    I brought it up in the restaurant because he said he had eaten a certain dish there before and we were with his family. I don’t like it when he talks about his past in front of his family. But I’ll be honest even I thought I was being a bit childish so I completely own that I was in the wrong to bring it up.

    We’re having a rough time lately, our house purchase fell through, our deposit from where we used to rent has gone into dispute, we’re having to live in my parent’s second house which is currently a building site, we’re sleeping on 2 single foldable beds with a pole running through the middle which makes it impossible to get intimate or even just cuddle, my parents keep coming over along with the builders, we don’t have a working kitchen or working shower so he has to go shower at his mum’s. Thy did fix the shower recently but after I showered, the pipe burst and started leaking so the walls and ceiling got damaged. We have a dog who complicates things as she hates other dogs and hates most men (lol) so she is not fond of the builders and we’ve found it hard to find other places to rent with the dog.

    Basically, anything that can go wrong has been going wrong outside of our relationship and external things basically and I suppose it’s only natural to take it out on each other.

    We’ve not been able to have a proper break or do anything so I think it all just adds up.

    #1101505 Reply

    Yeah, so your relationship is under a lot of pressure. Do you have a date set for a wedding? I would hope not at this point, as it would be much better to get out of this rough period of uncertainty and into a normal, comfortable routine before taking that huge step. Get out of all this stress and then see how your relationship really functions.

    But what’s this about?

    “ . I don’t like it when he talks about his past in front of his family.”

    #1101507 Reply

    Oh yes, we’ve delayed the wedding to next year – haven’t started planning yet. We still need to save money.

    I suppose I get a bit jealous about his past, It was petty of me to bring it up at dinner. From what I can tell, his ex hung out with his family a lot and I suppose it brings up feelings of inferiority when I’m already wanting to “fit in”. His family is white and I am indian so I feel self conscious about that sometimes. His ex was white.

    And they drink a lot and do funny/stupid things when drunk and talk about it, and I know his ex was the same. But I don’t like drinking and I don’t want to change myself just to fit in with his family.

    #1101508 Reply

    What if you said, you know what, this living situation really isn’t viable, let’s each move back in with our families for a bit until we find the right place? That would take a lot of the stress off and give you space for therapy and soul-searching, and allow you two to feel more like dating & romance than just a daily grind.

    #1101509 Reply

    Sounds like you have a lot going on and I agree with Kate’s advice there completely. Just came here to say I have often mistakenly called my partner by my ex’s name ( I loathe that ex ) and my partner almost invariably calls me by his sister’s name when she’s around.We both call each other by the names of our pets from time to time. None of this means anything, he isn’t hankering after his ex, you do have problems but I don’t think you need to worry about that one.

    #1101510 Reply

    Thank you for the replies!

    yeah I suppose I can understand it from that point of view, I know he dislikes her. And my family especially my dad and brother
    have called me diff names too.

    unfortunately he can’t move back as his mum owns a cat and also my partner feels uncomfortable going round now that she has a new boyfriend (his dad passed away a few years ago and this is the first man she is dating after that). I’m thinking to get counselling so that I can vent and get tips to manage/stay positive.

    I think we just need to hang on through these tough times, literally if something can go wrong it will but I am trying to change my outlook to one where I laugh at things rather than get upset at them.

    #1101512 Reply

    Absolutely seek counseling. Truly, nearly everyone can benefit from seeing a therapist. Mine helped me so much with my communication skills.

    I also agree w/ @kate and @hazel. Unless there is something else bigger going on, which a therapist will help you figure out, there is nothing to worry about. You kind of baited him this last time, yes? By asking who’d we been to the restaurant with. From the info. given, it sounds like you need to work on some insecurities and work on finding a sustainable living situation.

    ETA: Sorry, didn’t see your last update. No need to feel inferior! I know that sounds easier said than done, but he’s not with her anymore. He’s with you. Look, my entire family LOVED my ex-fiance and were really disappointed when I called it off. But you know what? They absolutely LOVE my husband.

    I accidentally call people the wrong name. I’ve called my husband by my brother-in-laws names. I don’t harbor any feelings toward them. Honestly, some members of my family have called my husband by my ex-fiance’s name and there were 7 years between them. I’ve called my nieces and nephews the dog’s name. Just recently, I was looking at a coworker, whose name I absolutely know, and I froze and couldn’t remember it. This was in a meeting when I wanted to address her. Talk about embarrassing!

    #1101516 Reply

    Everyone made great points. I have 3 kids and mix up their names & call my daughter by my best friend’s name. Therapy for the insecurity.

    Have you talked to your vet about meds to calm down your dog in stressful situations? Doggie prozac & doggie CBD are available and I’ve heard they help. Maybe try a thundershirt to see if it helps

    #1101518 Reply

    That and training with a good trainer if you can afford it.

    #1101522 Reply

    “I brought it up in the restaurant because he said he had eaten a certain dish there before and we were with his family. I don’t like it when he talks about his past in front of his family. ”

    This is very controlling. He’s not allowed to talk about having eaten at restaurants before because it might make you think of him having dated other people?

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