- This topic has 17 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 7 months, 1 week ago by Another Jen.
January 4, 2022 at 10:40 am #1101524anonymousseParticipant
Yeah, there are a lot of things in your post and comments that make me think you should try to separate physically for some time, and really think about what marriage and commitment to a person you don’t trust look like to you.
I definitely think almost anyone can benefit from therapy or counseling but you really should look into that. Your behavior is controlling and could be considered emotionally abusive. You can’t expect someone to erase a person from their memory. You can’t expect them never to talk about them or never slip up with their name. If you love someone, you know they had a past and don’t care because you have them now. If you’re happy, you don’t look for reasons to get angry at your fiancé at a dinner with their family.January 4, 2022 at 1:18 pm #1101529Prognosti-gatorParticipant
“part of me wonders if I truly am in his heart if he can easily call me by the wrong name. I want to feel special to him and this is the opposite of that.”
You are worried you’re not special enough to him because he slipped and called you the wrong name … but apparently he’s not special enough to you that you actually consider ending your relationship with him for it. If he was “in your heart” would you really be able to end it so easily?
It’s not fair for everyone to pretend that 6 years of his life just didn’t happen. Sure, he shouldn’t flaunt his old relationship in front of you, or compare you to her, etc. But to never go to a restaurant he’s been to with her, or to have family never talk about her is too much.
Two name slip-ups in two years doesn’t really seem to rise to the level of being a pattern yet. [edit: missed the third New Years one – but drinking does mess with memory a little. Not an excuse, but maybe a little bit of explanation.]January 4, 2022 at 4:01 pm #1101537ronGuest
This seems to be a lot of anguish over nothing. If you can’t accept any lingering memories or references in discussion to a bf’s past, then you are only going to survive with the unicorns for whom you are their initial relationship. Lot’s of luck with that.
Wrong names are nothing. It happens to all of us and it hasn’t happened with him all that often.
I think therapy would be a good idea for you. Find out if this is what is really bothering you or if you are just looking for an excuse to blow up your relationship and flee the prospect of marriage (to this guy, or generally?)
There clearly is a lot more going on here than what you specifically complain about. Perhaps it is him. It could well be you.January 4, 2022 at 5:06 pm #1101539ronGuest
Btw, I think you are special to him. Your post suggests you’ve been together at least almost 2 years. You mention no cheating, no clandestine calls or texts with exes, not an affliction of wandering-eye syndrome, not picking your little actions and slips to death the way you do his. If he didn’t think of you as special, he’d be gone with this shit you’re pulling on him.
Also btw, I see it as a plus that, in wanting to provide a plus dining experience for you and his parents, that he took you to a restaurant he really enjoyed in the past, regardless of whom he dined with, and from what you wrote he wasn’t making a big deal about his ex.
It also is a plus that he is open about his past. When you have to worry is when somebody tries to hide their past. His past formed the person he is today and there seems nothing scandalous nor threatening to you (other than in your own mind, which even you see as silly) in his past relationship. It lasted 6 years. That is a major LTR. You should see it as a plus that he has shown himself capable of such a long-duration relationship. He seems not to be a player.
You really do seem to be inventing a problem. Why?January 4, 2022 at 5:27 pm #1101541KateKeymaster
I think that might be reading too much into it without enough information, Ron. I’ve seen guys stuck around with women for years, and yes, even get engaged, to women they’re not that into, shit-talk behind their backs, and cheat on. The fact that he’s around doesn’t really say anything one way or the other, nor does choosing a restaurant he likes, or having a past. We don’t know anything about this guy. We do know that the LW has an instance of behavior that’s not acceptable, but we don’t know enough to make any judgments about her fiancé.January 9, 2022 at 1:57 pm #1101673Another JenGuest
Regarding the name thing, I can’t help but notice a bit of gaslighting going on. You brought it up, your fiancé denied it, you got in a fight, then he admitted you were correct but blamed you for it? I was in an abusive, gaslighting relationship, so I may be uber-sensitive to the issue…but gaslighting is a huge red flag.
I think what has me worried for you, LW, is that it seems like you’re in a critically unstable situation. It sounds like you and your fiancé are close to homelessness. I’m not sure your inability to be more cheerful is the issue here.
How long have you been living in your parents’ house/construction site? Did you lose the money you were going to use for the downpayment on the house that fell through? Do you have any income? Is the tied-up security deposit your only financial resource?
Apartments that take dogs aren’t that hard to find…unless you don’t have references because your dog trashed your last apartment or it’s a breed the landlord considers dangerous. It seems like getting into a stable housing situation is the biggest issue right now…not your boyfriend mixing up names.
If all is well, your fiancé is an ok guy, and you’re both just going through a rough patch, I agree with the other folks that the name thing isn’t a big deal. But, if you find yourself on the wrong side of every argument, and your fiancé makes you feel responsible for his own slip-ups, I hope you’ll think hard about whether there’s something bigger going on.
At the worst point in my previous marriage, I was so gaslit and confused I couldn’t tell up from down. I was in complete crisis mode. But, if anyone had asked me what my biggest problem was, I would have probably said it was my crappy job and the fact that I felt tired all the time.
Forgive me if I overstepped. But, the mixing up names thing seems like small potatoes.