- This topic has 14 replies, 6 voices, and was last updated 5 days, 4 hours ago by johnson norman.
April 24, 2020 at 6:56 am #881372Dear WendyKeymaster
From a LW:
“I have been with my boyfriend for over a year. We was together for 2 months before he found out a one night stand is pregnant with his baby. He told me I accepted it shes knows about me. However she got pregnant in August 2018 and we began in November 2018.He was so against it hated her didnt want nothing to do with her or the baby. She had feelings for him but he never did for her as they used to be friends in a group she was just a drunken mistake.
She gave birth in May 2019 the day after my nan passed away. He sees her once a week for an hour sometimes an hour and a half. He doesnt pay anything or provide anything for her. He is only seeing her to keep her happy and his mum. He has said if his mum wasnt involved he wouldnt be. She didnt even tell him till 3 months after and a friend told him. She messaged his mum.
I think shes been very sneaky and unfair with things. Ive said I think I should meet her by now and hes not allowed to have her on her own as we live in a house share. She says the baby doesnt know him enough and he keeps saying its up to her when I meet the baby. Shes a year old in May. All his family have met her round her house and she doesnt even let his mum have her on her own. Even his brothers girlfriend has met her yet I still havent but she knows about me.
I feel like Im not wanted to be involved by him and he says he wants me to meet her but hes not saying anything. I hate that he goes to hers every week to see his daughter as hes not allowed her and if im honest he really isnt ready. But i should be allowed to meet her in a mutal place im part of his life. Shes blocked us both on social media for no reason Ive never met or made contact with her. She sends pictures and videos alot but he just says aw cute and shows me and tells me when she messages but I still feel like she has majour feelings for him.
Id love her to find someone to stop me feeling so worried but she literally cant do no wrong in his eyes he says she can but she deffo comes before me and my feelings.Hes also has kids from a previous relationship a 5 year old and 3 year old. But the mum just moved away and cut al contact with all his family for no reason noone has seen her since septemeber 2018.
He still pays child maintenance for them but is that why because he doesnt deal with things well at all he gets so defensive about the new kid is it because he didnt want her. I know its sounds awful but I wish he would walk away as its so hard to deal with.
All i want is to meet her and be involved as shes coming into my life and will be part of it and I know the she doesnt like me but she has not need to ive done nothing wrong.
Ive not changed her life shes changed mine. I love my boyfriend deeply and we always talk about moving out as we live together, she lives about 10 mins away we wanna move away we cant run into her. But this is so so hard and to make things worse I also had a termination whilst we have been together as I wasnt ready is this why I feel anger towards her and worried. He has assured me that he has not feelings for her at all and hes with me and only wants me but it just feels like he has her back over mine and if she ever slagged me off Id like to think he would have my back but again I wouldnt know.”April 24, 2020 at 7:14 am #881374EssieParticipant
Your boyfriend is trash. And this relationship isn’t a real proud moment for you, either.
He fathers a child he wants nothing to do with and only goes to see to satisfy his mother. He doesn’t even pay support for HIS child, when he’s exactly as responsible for the creation of that little girl as her mother is. Why would you even give this loser the time of day, let alone be in a relationship with him? And you talk about the fact that he doesn’t care about his own child like it’s a good thing. If he doesn’t want to pay child support for more kids, he needs to keep his dick in his pants or use a goddamn condom.
And look, he was about to repeat the same pattern with you. If you hadn’t had a termination, you would have been baby mama #3. And you’d be a single mother who wasn’t getting any support.
This woman has no reason to let you anywhere near her child. You only want to meet the baby as a way of staking your claim on your boyfriend, because you’re so jealous of what little contact he has with her.April 24, 2020 at 7:31 am #881376anonymousseParticipant
You are totally ridiculous. He sees his kid who he doesn’t support at all for an hour a week- and you’re still jealous of this woman! No good mother would let you or his mum have her child alone. That you think that’s somehow indicative of her being a bad person is hilariously misguided. She doesn’t know a thing about you and you are not entitled to her child!
You need serious help. He’s a shitty person, who’s been down this road three times already!p, if not more. He should know how to use a fucking condom. And it happened with you, too. You need to walk away and work on your self esteem and self worth. No one should be proud of their deadbeat boyfriend not giving two shits about any of the three children he has chosen to bring into this world. It’s sad and pathetic that you think that’s cool.April 24, 2020 at 9:23 am #881382golfer.galGuest
Oh my god. Walk away from this relationship. This guy already has 3 kids, two of whom he never sees and one he grudgingly sees for a whopping one hour a week. You admit his housing situation isn’t suitable for children, he wants nothing to do with his daughter who lives nearby, and yet he is still acting irresponsibly enough to have MORE kids by getting you pregnant. And your concern in all of this is irrational jealousy of this poor child’s mother.
Dump his deadbeat ass now. Like, today. Therapy for yourself to figure out why you are attracted to someone so scummy and selfish, a visit to a free clinic to get an IUD or other reliable form of birth control, and concentrate on what you can do to better your life and attract a better partner. Do you work? Go to school? Have career aspirations? Hobbies? Skills? Develop those things and work on your self esteem and you’ll be ready for an amazing relationship, and eventually motherhood, with a partner who isn’t a total assholeApril 24, 2020 at 9:45 am #881384courtney89Participant
Just echoing the others.. your boyfriend is garbage as a father.April 24, 2020 at 9:50 am #881386BittergaymarkGuest
Aim higher. Its depressing that garbage people somehow always seem to breed like fucking sewer rats. That you should even want this guy speaks volumes about your own self esteem issues. And making this foolish other woman the target of all your angst is really missing the point. She isn’t the problem. He is.
Dump. This. Cad.
Try being single for a while. Find yourself. Then find a boyfriend.April 24, 2020 at 9:54 am #881388LisforLeslieGuest
WTF is wrong with you that you think your bf is a good person? He has three children, no sense of responsibility and no fucking desire to actually spend time with his children.
The mothers of his children aren’t the problem here. He is.
Walk away – you can do better. Seriously, a dog would be a better parent than your bf and would probably show you a lot more affection and consideration.April 24, 2020 at 10:40 am #881394dinocerosParticipant
Why would you want to be with someone as terrible as your boyfriend? Yikes.April 24, 2020 at 10:52 am #881397OracleGuest
So many people want children and can’t have them. Then we have this. Really you two belong together.April 24, 2020 at 11:25 am #881399Miss MJParticipant
The only good news in this letter is that you’re not stuck having a kid with this loser. Make a clean break and do better next time.April 24, 2020 at 2:55 pm #881416mellantheParticipant
He is not a responsible father – he has no contact with his first kids (ever thought why the mother moved away?), and he wants no contact with this one.
It doesn’t matter whether this was a ‘one night stand’. And it wasn’t – she was a friend. Even if it was the once, it’s not fair to make out that she was a complete stranger. The point is this: before he met you, he got a woman pregnant. Whether there was a relationship or just one night of sex, they are now co-parenting a child. This will never change, and if you cannot accept it, then that man is not for you.
His baby’s mother is right to be cautious. The father of her baby is a flaky and unsuitable parent with prior form, who wants nothing to do with his baby. Of course she doesn’t trust him or his family with her baby! And you’re nothing to her – you aren’t her relative, or his relative. You’d have to get to know her and earn her trust – it’s understandable that she might not want every person vaguely connected to the father to be in her kid’s life, particularly when the dad is flaky.
Now,I think co parenting means that you need to embrace your ex’s partners, or at least accept them as part of your kid’s life – and if you continued with him it’d be sensible to be a part of the kid’s life. If this was a healthy set up, that’s how it’d work. But as you say yourself, your man isn’t ready or responsible enough to look after the baby, so it’s perfectly sensible for the mother to be wary of him and not give him that responsibility.
You seem very fixated with the idea she might have feelings for him – does this matter if he’s with you? I don’t even think it’s necessarily true – what evidence do you have to suggest she still has feelings and wants him back, beyond her expecting him to see his child somtimes? Bear in mind, people can leave 20 year marriages, and still be civil to each other and new partners for the sake fo their kids – things don’t have to be convoluted here. But if you can’t cope with this, you need a man who doesn’t have this kind of baggage. You can’t expect a man with children to leave all that behind.
It’s up to him to ask his baby’s mother to introduce you to the baby – but he probably isn’t keen because he barely cares for the child as is. Perhaps a responsible father would feel this was more iportant to make his girlfriend part of his ‘family’. But he’s not such a man. Perhaps you could get to knwo the mum better – it doesn’t bode well that she won’t have anything to do with yuo or the dad outside visiting time – exes don’t need to be clse, but it’d be good to be civil if there’s a kid involved.
Why do you want to be introduced to his baby this badly? Are you really keen on step-parenting the baby? Do you really want to get to know the mum and be civil? Or are you just feeling competitive because his brother’s girlfriend has seen the baby?April 24, 2020 at 3:38 pm #881418EssieParticipant
I don’t think it’s about step-parenting, she said she would rather he walk away from the baby altogether, and that they’d like to move far enough away that they won’t run into the mother.
I don’t think the desire to meet the baby has anything to do with wanting to be part of her life. She seems bothered the boyfriend isn’t pushing the baby’s mother to allow a meeting when other members of his family have gotten meetings, and she’s worried that the boyfriend would prioritize the mom over her. It’s jealousy and insecurity, “prove to me I’m an important part of your life, and show me off to your ex so she knows you belong to me.”