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His close friend

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  • #889781 Reply
    avatarBriana
    Guest

    My boyfriend has a “close friend” but I don’t know if I should be worried about her. She is best friends with his sister and gets along with all his family. His parents and her mom went to middle school together and have been friends ever since! The red flag I got was when we took a break and she reached out to me on his behalf. I just started thinking how it’s not the best feeling that he vents to her about our personal moments. I didn’t disclose this with him but it just made me wonder how close they really are. When I come over for family events she’s always there and his family always posts about her accomplishments on social media and are very attached to her. When I bring her up to him he just says that they’re very close friends and he can vent to her. He also threw in there that he sees her a sister! Am I over reacting ?

    #889811 Reply
    avatarHelen
    Guest

    yes, you’re overreacting. She is a close family friend, you don’t even mention that they ever dated (not that it would matter) He probably does view her as a sister or cousin. You need to work on your insecurities or they will destroy every relationship you enter. You can’t vanquish every woman from your partner’s or partner’s family life. Just because he has a close female family friend doesn’t mean he doesn’t have room in his life for a girlfriend

    #889829 Reply
    avatarbrise
    Guest

    I understand your concern and I wouldn’t have liked either, at all, her contacting you on his behalf during a break of your relationship with your boyfriend. To me, this sounds like immaturity from both of them and meddling from her. Your BF should be able, as an adult, to communicate directly with his girlfriend, on a break or on.
    I don’t think you should do anything special and worry so much. I would focus on the romantic relationship and stop reacting to this woman. The more your relationship deepens, the more this friend will fade in the background. She will have her own romantic life, and you will be evolve independently at the end of the day. But what I wouldn’t do is make friends with her. Keep her at arm’s lenght, and focus your attention on the romance with the boyfriend. Are you happy with him, does it work for you? Do you see a future here? Those are the relevant questions.

    #889834 Reply
    avatarHazel
    Participant

    Brise, do you recommend she avoids making friends with her boyfriend’s male friends too, and keeps them at arms length in the hopes that they will fade into the background? I like my partner to have friends. I don’t think he should live with me in total isolation. If his friends were horrible, I might change my mind, but there’s no indication of that here.

    #889839 Reply
    avataranonymousse
    Participant

    She is a family friend! You mention no romantic history. I agree it was weird and immature for him to have her reach out to you (what did she say?) but that is his misstep, not hers. People often vent to friends about their relationships. Unless you have a code of silence in your relationship, I wouldn’t necessarily think that is a bad thing.

    You either need to work on your maturity and stop seeing every woman as a threat or you need to move on. People can have opposite sex friends without it being an issue. You either trust him, or you don’t.

    #889844 Reply
    avatarbrise
    Guest

    Hazel, no, not every friend, of course. Only meddling female friends who act as go-between on behalf of a boyfriend during a break. That is weird indeed and useless, as the LW is now pissed and distrustful. But the LW can simply say to her BF, if this topic arises again, that she expects him to communicate directly to her whatever he has to tell her. This is the very basis of an adult couple. Then she should drop her jealousy about this woman. I do think that this friend will have her own life and will matter considerably less, in the future, as an interference in LW’s romantic life. Now the BF can have all the friends he wants!

    #889850 Reply
    avatarHazel
    Participant

    so, what is she had asked a male friend, then? Would he also be meddling? People who are having romantic issues talk to their friends. Thank god, if that was not allowed, all sorts of horrible things would go under the radar.He asked her advice. She wasn’t “meddling”, it’s not her fault she happens to be female. This is the sort of thing which encourages people to force their partners to drop all friendships of the opposite sex and I don’t see why on earth this would be a good thing.

    #889853 Reply
    avatarHazel
    Participant

    okay, it was a bit immature of him to get her to speak on his behalf, but he maybe thought that the LW was one of those women who see other women as sisters not rivals or something.

    #889909 Reply
    avatarmellanthe
    Participant

    I think Brise is right here.

    Sounds like a conversation with BF is in order.

    If you can stand to befriend her, that might help make her feel less threatening, but if you can’t then stick t being polite. If you’re involved, then you won’t feel left out or (hopefully) as insecure. And you’ll get a chance to see their dynamic together and gauge for yourself that it’s platonic/familial. Meeting a BF’s friends can be scary at first because you don’t always know how they’ll relate to you, or whether there’s something weird going on there, but familiarity should help with that. Plus if they become your friends, too, then everyone wins.

    If he and her wanted to be together, they’d presumably have worked it out long ago, so it doesn’t sound like there’s anything to worry about.

    However, not all ‘bad vibes’ from a friend of a particular gender are as simple as sexual jealousy. In this case it’s bothering you because she was overinvolved in your breakup/relationship.

    Talk to him. Explain that whilst you love that he has lots of friends, your relationship is private and you’d appreciate if he could keep the really intimate things between you private. Venting is one thing, but we all know there are things we wouldn’t share with friends, nor do reasonable adults let their friends get so over-involved.

    Request politely that in future, that he doesn’t involve other people, especially female friends in your relationship – if he has stuff to say to you, he should say it to you directly.

    But people are right that as you get closer, and she gets a life of her own, it should be less of an issue.

    #889913 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    “so, what is she had asked a male friend, then? Would he also be meddling?”

    Of course! I’d probably be MORE annoyed if some dude called me to try to tell me what the fuck to do.

    #889963 Reply
    avatarHazel
    Participant

    well, fair enough, personally I’m really glad that my partner never tried to prise me away from those of my friends who happened to be of the opposite sex. And it’s never occurred to me that I ought to be spoiling his friendships with other women. I can see that it seems to be a big problem for some people, which I think is sad, but I’m obviously in the minority.

    #889999 Reply
    avatarEssie
    Participant

    There’s a couple of different things going on here.

    First, it was way out of line for his friend to approach you and meddle in your relationship. And that would be true if it was a female friend, a male friend, his brother, his sister, his mom. So let’s take that out of the discussion for a minute.

    It sounds to me like this woman’s connection to your boyfriend is through his sister, and given the family connections, she’s been around him a lot for much of his life. It’s no wonder he sees her as a sort of sister. She’s practically family. There’s no other connection between them? She’s not an ex-girlfriend?

    IF that’s the case, then yes, you’re overreacting. But more importantly, you’re not going to be able to make him be faithful by controlling his interactions with other women. He’ll be faithful if a) he wants to be monogamous, and b) he’s happy in a committed relationship with you. If so, then even being propositioned by another woman won’t make him stray. If he’s not happy, if you’re not working as a couple or you’re not a good fit for him in some way, then your relationship will end.

    In short – whether he stays with you is about the two of you as a couple, not the fact that he’s friends with his sister’s best friend.

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