Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

His close friend

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Viewing 7 posts - 13 through 19 (of 19 total)
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  • #890002 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    What Essie said.

    My two cents – if you keep breaking up and you’re feeling threatened by his female friends, you’re probably not in the right relationship.

    I never said he shouldn’t be friends with this young woman, or that the LW shouldn’t, just that the meddling is problematic.

    #890015 Reply
    avatarmellanthe
    Participant

    (Edit: this was in reply to Hazel, BTW)
    Nobody here is saying that, though. The advice BTL on every thread from like 95% of commenters is always that it’s perfectly fine for men and women to be friends. And it is. This isn’t about whether her BF should be ‘allowed’ to have female friends. It’s about how she deals with her feelings about a particular female friend of his who WAY overstepped decent friend boundaries and who is around a lot, so she’s struggling to handle how she feels.

    “She wasn’t “meddling”, it’s not her fault she happens to be female.”

    She was, though. By contacting LW regarding her relationship during the break and acting as a go-between (or independently, who knows?)

    I have NEVER gotten involved in friends’ arguments with their SO or ex. Regardless of the sex of my friend or their partner. It’s just not a friend’s place. So I find this all so inappropriate. This isn’t just the friend being a supportive listener, which she has a right to do. It’s her being told so much and being involved to a degree where she’s acting on the BF’s behalf to his GF – that’s just inappropriate.

    And yes, it is meddling and I can see why it raised LW’s hackles and made her feel jealous or suspicious. Frankly, it’d be odd if a BF’s mother or sister did it, but given that this woman isn’t actually a blood relative, I can see why LW would be peturbed. It implies way too much familiarity with LW’s relationship and the partner, and a lack of knowing your place as a friend. I’ve always found friends who get overinvolved with friends’ drama to be unhealthy, codependent or way overinvested. A good friend listens, supports you then lets you do your thing.

    If someone’s getting overinvolved, it may have made her feel pushed out, or like her BF shares some weird level of intimacy with this woman that she can’t compete with. Now, if a relationship is making you feel secure, you won’t feel the need to compete with friends. If you feel that your status as partner is secure and loved, you won’t feel the need to compete with friends because it’ll be no competition. So that may be something you and BF need to work on. I don’t think this is sexual at all – or at least it shouldn’t be about sexual jealousy. But LW, if you feel like your needs in the relationship aren’t being met, you need to raise it with your BF.

    As it is, it doesn’t sound like there’s anything untoward going on. I think they are probably just all immature and learning how to navigate adult relationships, and I really hope LW and the friend can be friends. LW, as all people, has to trust their partner – you can’t prevent your person from ever interacting with people of the gender they are attracted to, nor should you. That’d be miserable and controllng and it’s not how grown up relationships work. But nobody here is actually advocating for it.

    • This reply was modified 2 weeks, 2 days ago by avatarmellanthe.
    #890017 Reply
    avatarLisforLeslie
    Guest

    If he can’t talk to you about your relationship and needs someone else to do it – then he’s either too immature for a relationship or you’ve set up conditions that are too controlling.

    If he’s venting and this friend decided to insert herself in the middle of this… that was way overstepping normal boundaries. There are some instances where a family member or friend may/should get involved. I doubt this is one of them.

    #890044 Reply
    avataranonymousse
    Participant

    “She reached out to me on his behalf-“ to me that means he asked her to reach out. Which lessens the meddling, IMO. Should she have done that? Probably not, but it sounds like she was asked to.

    I don’t really think the friend should shoulder any of the blame or ill will, here. He’s clearly immature if his first inclination is to go through a friend to communicate.

    She’s an old family friend. It really seems like most of her crime is being female and probably good looking- a perceived threat. The problem with thinking like this in any relationship, is that there will always be other women around.

    If she doesn’t want her boyfriend venting to this particular friend, she should communicate that. She asked if she should be worried about this woman. I don’t think so.

    You either trust your bf or you don’t. I’ve been burned plenty of times, but I still choose to assume the best of the people around me. If you can’t do that with this guy and his family friend, then you are definitely in the wrong relationship.

    #890046 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    It doesn’t matter that much to me if he asked her to or not (and “on his behalf” could mean either). I’d be super annoyed if some friend of my boyfriend called me to tell me what they thought I should do. So inappropriate, and I’d blame them both.

    But yeah, you either trust your boyfriend or you don’t.

    FWIW, the one time my boyfriend had a female friend (family friend, very close, he took her to prom but they never dated), she was a total bitch to me at all times. And when we broke up, she gave him a blow job or something, idk, I blocked it out. They never did date, and she married someone else. But the key thing there was she acted hostile. Other than butting into your business, this girl hasn’t been offensive to you.

    • This reply was modified 2 weeks, 2 days ago by avatarKate.
    #890059 Reply
    bittergaymarkBittergaymark
    Guest

    Other than Hazel, it’s a miracle women even have relationships. Drama. Drama. Drama.

    #890110 Reply
    avatarKeeks
    Guest

    Should have been titled “ His close family friend”

    Try not worry about her or the proximity of his family’s relationship with her. I don’t think she’s a threat from the details you’ve shared.

    If its meant to rain, it will rain! In the mean time, Enjoy your relationship (if everything else is fine).

Viewing 7 posts - 13 through 19 (of 19 total)
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