Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

His daughter is most important

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This topic contains 23 replies, has 7 voices, and was last updated by avatar LisforLeslie 1 month, 1 week ago.

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  • #811815 Reply
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    Joanna

    Hello everyone, so my boyfriend of nearly 3years has a 5yo daughter who he constantly feels the need to tell me is the most important and comes first etc. And quite rightly so, however this often comes at my expense. For example there is a new Chinese restaurant in town that I wanted to go to for months and because he doesn’t like Chinese food we haven’t been, fair enough. Last weekend when I asked him what he’s been up to that evening with his daughter he said they’d been to the new Chinese restaurant.when I said that was rather hurtful he told me the usual spiel that she’s number 1 and he’ll do it for her to make her happy as she’s the most important etc. Another example is he took her to the park and ended up seeing one of her friends and her friends (single) mum down there and they ended up going back to their house for an hour so the kids could play. Rightly or wrongly I felt hurt that he’d been to a random woman’s house and was spending time with her while the kids played while I was sat at home giving him and his daughter their time. Again I was told the daughter gets what she wants in the time he has her as she’s most important etc. I guess what I’m asking is, is this a bit extreme? I understand her needs come first however my feelings never seem to be taken into account over her wants. Am I selfish as he tells me I am? I just feel like I’m always on the back burner and have to just deal with it because it’s for his daughter.

    #811838 Reply
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    ron

    Not a random woman’s house; it is the house of his child’s playmate, albeit a new playmate. As you admit, his child should come first and you should stop being jealous.

    You are correct that he was not playing fair with the Chinese restaurant. That is not an instance of his child comes first. That’s an example of him refusing to compromise his preferences occasionally to please you and engage in couple activities of your choosing. That is a red flag. Is he always this inconsiderate of your wishes. I can understand the confusion in your letter about the child coming first, as this is an example of him using the child purely as an excuse to get exactly what HE wants, not what his child needs.

    #811841 Reply
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    Oracle

    The real problem here is that your wants/needs are not being taken into consideration on your time. Your feelings are not taken into account, your right about that. Back burner, you are not even in the same house. Your brain in screaming at you, LISTEN. MOA.

    #811846 Reply
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    anonymousse
    Member

    Most of this sounds really silly to me. Yes, he could probably do more things to make you feel special and cared for. But you aren’t going to drive that message home when you compare yourself to his daughter and how he treats her. You aren’t his daughter. You aren’t a child.

    As far as the Chinese restaurant, I can see why he’d be hesitant to go considering you are an adult who can understand he doesn’t like that food. When his daughter wants to go, it’s a little different. It begs the question why you haven’t gone with a friend, or ordered take out? Or just gone yourself? You don’t have to only do things with him. Going there with him would be awkward, wouldn’t it? Knowing he doesn’t like the food? Knowing he’s not enjoying himself?

    Your life doesn’t have to revolve around him. But if you really do sit at home while he’s with his daughter and stew in feeling jealous…this probably isn’t a relationship that’s going to bring you happiness long term.

    He will always have his daughter. And she will always come first. Right or wrong, jealous or not, that’s probably how this will pan out.

    #811848 Reply
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    JD
    Member

    Agree with the others. I mean, I totally get the frustration with the Chinese food thing. You feel like, why can’t you compromise for me on this if you will for her. Of course a 5 year olds wants are priority but sure he could do it for you now and then. I go with husband to eat this awful midwest take on Mexican food now and then even though it’s truly the most disgusting food I have ever eaten….and I accidentally put lotion in my mouth the other day (don’t even ask, i need glasses). The problem is exactly what is stated above. When he is with you he doesn’t give a crap about what you want. People compromise and do things that aren’t their favorite occasionally to make the other person happy.

    #811849 Reply
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    Poppy
    Member

    Im interested in how long have they been dating that she isnt included in activities with his daughter. If he has introduced her as his g/f to his child then its very odd that he would take just his daughter to the “new Chinese restaurant” knowing g/f been dying to try it. He could have made arrangements for all 3 to have a nice lunch or dinner there. The playmate issue sounds a bit like jealousy on LWs part. LW, he did that so his child could play with her friend. Like others have said, why are you waiting on him to take you out to this place knowing he doesnt like it. He doesnt sound considerate towards you either. I get the child wanted to go there but he could have politely waited and made arraignemnts for you to join.

    #811857 Reply
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    Essie
    Participant

    Do the three of you do any activities together? You, him, and his daughter? After three years, it seems he would be including you in at least some of his outings with her.

    Because as I read it, it’s not so much a problem with him putting his daughter first, it’s more that he’s excluding you from those activities. By three years in, my boyfriend was frequently including me in family gatherings and giving me opportunities to spend time with his kids and other family members. There was a definite sense of him seeing me as part of his larger family.

    Other than that, I’m not sure why you’re depending on him to take you to certain restaurants, or you’re sitting home and stewing when he’s out with his daughter. Live your life. Go to the restaurant with friends. Use the time when he’s out with his daughter to do stuff you want to do. Go see a movie with your friends. Go shopping. Binge a show on Netflix.

    #811858 Reply
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    Northern Star

    I think your boyfriend just sounds like a jerk. He thinks you’re selfish and not worth inconveniencing himself in the slightest. And he likes reminding you that you’re not important.

    I wouldn’t stay with someone who thought so little of me.

    #811865 Reply
    bittergaymark
    Bittergarmark

    He doesn’t sound particularly great, sure. But then neither does being jealous of a child…

    #811866 Reply
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    dinoceros
    Member

    These examples are sort of questionable. I think it’s unreasonable to think that he can’t take his kid to a play date if the mom is single or whatever. If you don’t trust him, then you don’t trust him, period.

    As for the Chinese food, I mean, sure, it would be nice of him to go with you anyway. But I think it IS different when it’s a kid. Kids can’t go to restaurants on their own. If I want to go to a restaurant that a partner doesn’t like, I typically just go on my own or with someone else. He could compromise, but you could also not insist on going somewhere he doesn’t like.

    Without any better examples, it’s hard to tell if he’s a jerk or he is repeatedly telling you his child is important because you act like you don’t get it. In the end, though, it just sounds like you’re not compatible. You want someone who will make you a bigger priority, and this isn’t the guy.

    #811870 Reply
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    Northern Star

    I dunno. Usually being jealous of a child means wanting to peel away the kid’s time with dad or something. Not being upset because a boyfriend says “well, my daughter is more important, so I’ll only make an effort with HER. Not you.”

    This just sounds different to me. And ugly. A partner is supposed to be kind. Not throw your “lesser” status in his life in your face.

    I’d move along.

    #811872 Reply
    bittergaymark
    Bittergaymark

    I don’t think these bland examples (really, LWs, could you all PLEASE fucking learn how to actually pick compelling examples?!) show that at all. Instead I suspect he asked the five year old where she wanted to eat and she screamed and screamed (as five year olds are known to do) for Chinese. Frankly, the whole other woman playdate jealousy thing is plumb batshit crazy. If not beyond that. Get s fucking grip.

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