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Dear Wendy

his friend "interviewed" me (probably on coke) on our third date and

Home Forums Get Advice, Give Advice his friend "interviewed" me (probably on coke) on our third date and

This topic contains 160 replies, has 13 voices, and was last updated by avatar ellie j 2 months ago.

Viewing 12 posts - 145 through 156 (of 161 total)
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  • #837387 Reply
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    JD
    Member

    You all are really making me grateful I was engaged when I lived in SF and not on the dating scene.

    #837388 Reply
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    ron

    Jay —
    So, now you see how it works with the sexes reversed. Being dumped doesn’t always make sense to the dumpee, because different people assign different values to various attributes/behaviors. This guy needed a woman who was comfortable around drug use and interacting with a friend high on coke. That is extremely (as in zero) high on her list of possible requirements, so she sees a good match and she didn’t.

    #837389 Reply
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    ele4phant

    No Jay, lots people here are in agreement that watching her interact with his friend probably changed his interest level in her or gave him a clue that they weren’t a good fit. That’s fine, that’s totally understandable.

    We are saying IT’S RUDE to not formally say goodbye to someone you’ve just spent a whole day on a date with.

    She tells you, abruptly even, that’s she’s leaving. Take two minutes to walk her outside, wait with her while she waits for her cab or whatever, say thank you for the date and have a safe ride home.

    Regardless of the fact that his friend showed up and changed, permanently perhaps, the dynamic, that does not mean you just are like oh you’re leaving? Yeah sure whatever. I decided the date was over 15 minutes ago when I saw how much you and my best friend clashed.

    The considerate person would spend A COUPLE OF MINUTES walking her out, saying goodbye because that’s how polite, considerate people behave. You should be considerate to everyone, even people you’ve decided you won’t go out with again because they won’t mesh with your social life.

    After saying a polite goodbye, he then could’ve gone back and hung out with his friend and never called her again and not been a jerk. All he needed to do was take a couple minutes to see her out. He was on a date with her first, it was right that there be a formal recognition that the date was done, even if his buddy was now there.

    Politely saying goodbye to someone is just a mature thing to do.

    Sheesh.

    #837390 Reply
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    ellie j

    @Tuby Tuesday
    i think you are right. I grew up in a very conservative part of socal going to a small private school so feeling a bit lost here
    not sure how to date here anymore, haha

    #837391 Reply
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    ellie j

    Its only confirming that me struggling dating in the bay area is normal hahaha. i went to Berkeley, enough said.

    #837392 Reply
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    ellie j

    Also, seriously stop reading redpills
    Some guy suggested me players play because girls dont put out early, so by putting out yourself early and having sex with them early you can avoid players (since they arleady had sex with you and they will be gone) so you dont have to deal with players.
    and he was a very active on redpills.

    #837393 Reply
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    ron

    should end ‘and he didn’t’. A budding relationship can seem to be going great and growing, and then an attitude or belief that is just natural to life for one party is a deal-breaker for the other party and it’s over in that instant when that attitude or behavior or assumption about what their future relationship is going to look like in the potential partner’s mind is manifested and recognized. That’s what dating is about, exploring all of these nuances of compatibility, beyond just chemistry and compatible broad-brush world view and some common interests. A wise man or woman pulls the plug quickly when an obvious deal-breaker rears its head. Expecting to change a person and eliminate a deal-breaker is a fool’s errand. Yes, you try if you’re well into a relationship, but after just a few dates, you wave goodbye to avoid getting more emotionally invested in somebody who just can’t work out for you. I’ve been there, on both sides of the equation, and it really can be a quick 180.

    #837401 Reply

    You know what, he said the right things to you, and maybe he was being honest (although now we’re assuming a drug addict is 100% honest) but if he’s a known jerk (based on what transpired that night) why would we assume he was being honest?

    I unfortunately dated a few total assholes in my time, and one even told me that he said what he needed to in the moment-what he knew I wanted to hear-to get what he wanted. And this was before the rise of the total douchebag red pill sites. Sort of the pickup artist era.

    I mean it’s a tactic some guys use. You met him, thought he was great BUT then he’s best friend is a coke addict asshole…chances are the guy you went on 3 dates with is also a coke addicted asshole.

    Thank u, next. There are good guys out there, who respect woman and speak the truth. But they probably are not going to be the guy “on his best behavior” waving all these red flags and advertising his drug use. And if they mention their ex is crazy or a slut, like Jay…run.

    #837402 Reply
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    ellie j

    I havnet read Jay’s thread thoroughly but i think i should.

    im wondering if they call their ex was crazy or a slut, what correlation do they have? (they dont respect girls and also probably they are the ones who made their ex’s crazy?)

    My bf who cheated on me said that, so now i recall, haha

    #837407 Reply

    Yes, that’s why. They don’t respect women, possibly caused a lot of drama and can’t be honest about what ever happened.

    Or Jay, for example. A woman he wasn’t even in a relationship with had the audacity to like someone else/stop banging him. She’s a slut and a stalker.

    #837411 Reply
    Moneypenny
    Moneypenny
    Participant

    Dude. I don’t even know where to start here. First, was this bar on Polk Street? Second, no, SF is not cokehead-central. I’ve never even heard of that before and I’ve been living here and dating here since I was 17. (Half my life, ha.) The average hoodie-wearing software engineer is probably not doing coke in his free time. Perhaps that’s more the hobby of the Patagonia fleece-wearing bros who work in sales, who knows. YMMV.

    Also, in my experience (in my 20’s, dating via OKCupid and Bumble and Tinder and all of those sites/apps) guys are SO flaky. There are so many fish in the sea, as they say, that even though they may have had an amazing time with you, they’re also possibly having an amazing time with someone else. (OR the potential is out there, and they don’t want to settle.) Whether you sleep with them or not. People come and go from SF because so many are here to work at some awesome job but they have no plans to settle. There are no hard and fast rules. I have been through this SAME scenario as you, minus the coke. So have my friends. I don’t really know what else to tell you, other than I think you can do better and to stop reading into this so much, it’s a waste of time.

    #837413 Reply
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    Ellie j

    @moneypenny

    Hmm maybe i was with some wrong people. And it was the marina sf.

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