Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

his friend "interviewed" me (probably on coke) on our third date and

Home Forums Get Advice, Give Advice his friend "interviewed" me (probably on coke) on our third date and

This topic contains 160 replies, has 13 voices, and was last updated by avatar ellie j 2 months ago.

Viewing 12 posts - 25 through 36 (of 161 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • #836983 Reply
    CurlyQue
    CurlyQue
    Participant

    I agree that three dates in, he’s probably not being accurate about his drug use. When i started dating an ex he said he smoked weed as often as me (weekends, etc) when in reality he smoked all day every day. After dating a while i commented on how it was definitely more than he originally stated and he said yeah that he waited till i was more invested and gradually started showing his true usage amount.

    Weed isn’t a deal breaker for me, it’s also something i partake in and he STILL DOWNPLAYED his usage amount. Of course coke guy isn’t giving you his real usage amounts.

    #836986 Reply
    Copa
    Copa
    Participant

    @curlyque My boyfriend’s friend is a smoker (cigarettes and weed). He’s learned that many of his dates are fine with weed but not cigarettes, so he’s started downplaying how often he smokes cigs. I can see why he’d do it — and why the guy LW has been out with would — but ultimately think it’s a bit of a waste of everyone’s time.

    #836988 Reply
    avatar
    ellie j

    It is SF! as many of you guys predicted!

    #836989 Reply
    avatar
    JD
    Member

    Then your pool of dates who don’t do coke is pretty limited. ha

    #836994 Reply
    avatar
    ellie j

    As many of you guys said – yes third date is too soon to be exclusive. But we talked about it since we were talking about being physically exclusive and once i become physically intimate with someone else i want to be exclusive for many reasons (safety, etc). We agreed on being exclusive physically if we happen to be intimate and be honest to each other.

    Also, i dont think i was offended by his friend asking me about my jobs. I love talking about what i do and also i have no problem hanging out with strangers in bars. But the way he asked me was more like a confrontation. He kinds of put me on a spot, and normally if its your third date and first time meeting the girl that your friend’s dating i think i would be more respectful. But the way he asked me about what i do felt like an interview and confrontation, so i was answering his questions and later on felt a bit uncomfortable saying “hey why dont you explain him more ive been explaining you all day about my work!” and later on he said “what a good conversation”
    i just felt confronted when i met him, and i just felt it was a bit rude (the way he talks) and also, if it was our date then i thought he was responsible for situations like this – like me meeting his friends, and he was aware that his friend was not being cool, as he texted me later when i left, “the way he acted was not cool”
    but saying if i dont want to see him its okay but he wants to see me again, just be straightforward

    I did not storm to bathroom either, i tried to not show that i was uncomfortable, just keep smiling.

    im just honestly confused about the entire situation – the way his friend behaved in a confronting way(maybe just because he was on coke feeling confident and coke does that to some people?), and him not walking me out, or waiting for uber. It was our date that i expected we would end the day together with a nice good bye, but after i went to the bathroom they were playing pool, so i said hey so ill head back home its getting late, and he was like “yeah okay!” and did his own thing (maybe he was on coke..as well?)

    But anyway, i really like this guys when we are just hanging out, and i just feel like his friend made it awkward. maybe i need to talk about the entire situation with him sober.. he still hasnt texted me back from last night me saying “its fine, but im just not sure why your friend was offended”

    #836995 Reply
    avatar
    ellie j

    And yes, it is likely that he probably downplayed his coke usage. I will have to figure out, but so far i loved spending time with him, which is very frustrating and wondering if i have to see this as a really really big red flag, hoping that it is true that he doesnt do coke as much as his friends does. he said coke is just recreational to him and he would never let himself dependent on it.

    i liked so far, just between me and him, but it disappoints me how he handled the situation and having to leave me in the middle of the conversation with his friend, and not ending with a nice good bye, etc.

    #836997 Reply
    avatar
    ele4phant

    Yeah – I’m not sure why on the face of it someone asking you questions about your job would make you so supremely uncomfortable. I have a job that people often find intriguing (I’m a pollster), so I do get what its like to be on the receiving end of people who are SUPER curious about hearing about what I do/getting my take on every GD issue, and rare do I enjoy talking shop with random people. But I’m pretty used to it and used to deflecting* when I just don’t want to get into it with new people. It certainly shouldn’t make you feel super anxious to be questioned about your job, assuming his behavior was generally normal.

    Which make thinks what made you uncomfortable was not *what* he was asking you, but that he was coming off very aggressively, and it was his general behavior that was uncomfortable. Which, if he’s a normal coke user and he’s your new boyfriend’s best friend, you’re going to be around more of this. And probably your boyfriend too on occasion.

    I don’t think this guy is the right fit for you, if you don’t enjoy being around people who are high on coke. It’s been three dates, go ahead and cut your losses now.

    *If you do want tips on how to avoid conversations about your job, my tips are:

    Be vague about what you do. For me, if I don’t feel like potentially fielding a bunch of curiosity, I just tell people I work in consulting, or market research. Those aren’t lies, but they are more boring ways to describe what I do. What’s the most boring, non-descriptive way to describe what you do? You work in a lab doing health research, or something like that? I wouldn’t ask follow-up questions about that.

    If it does come out specifically what I do and I don’t feel like talking about it, I am just forthright. I tell people I talk politics all day long at work and am full up by the time I clock off, so let’s talk about something else. Most people are usually polite and respect that boundary. And if they’re not, then it’s about them not me.

    #836998 Reply
    avatar
    ellie j

    @MP

    oh, its common in brooklyn who crushes their friends’ dates like this? I live in SF and maybe it really is a thing that a cocaine addict friend ruining his friends dates, lmao

    #836999 Reply
    Skyblossom
    Skyblossom
    Participant

    I would cut and run. You’ve just begun to see the real him and you already don’t like it. He already basically dumped you during the date to play pool with his friend. This is while he’s still trying to impress you with his best self. Time to move on.

    #837000 Reply
    avatar
    shakeourtree

    If he’s telling you that he understands if you don’t want to see him again….sounds like he’s over it.

    #837002 Reply
    avatar
    ellie j

    It is just really odd, that every dates we hung out all day, and even yesterday (before we ran into his friend) he was saying he really likes me and eventually wants to be in a relationship and try to see how things go, and if we get physically intimate then physically exclusive. but he said he was not seeing anyone, and he is just focusing on me because he finds me really interesting, etc. We had so much fun together, and i really did not storm out or anything, just answered with some “fake smile,”
    i dont think why he would dump me like that, lol. i thought he was just trying to figure out how i felt about the entire situation. but until we met his friend everything was so good and we had such great day, and though his friend and me were a bit awkward we did not make a scene or anything, and when he left to get more drinks, me and his friend, then i just talked a bit and went to the bathroom.
    just a bit confused that why he would be over if its true over something like that.

    #837003 Reply
    avatar
    JD
    Member

    But be grateful he is over it because you should be too. He’s a rude drug addict. Next.

Viewing 12 posts - 25 through 36 (of 161 total)
Reply To: his friend "interviewed" me (probably on coke) on our third date and
Your information: