Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

His girlfriend has issue with our friendship.

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This topic contains 9 replies, has 7 voices, and was last updated by CurlyQue CurlyQue 3 months ago.

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  • #844899 Reply

    My best friend and I have know each other for over 10yrs. We’ve been there for each other through thick and thin.
    The problem is, his girlfriend refuses to meet me. She’s had a number of chances, but has always found another excuse to bail. I’m the only person in his life, she hasn’t met. Despite his best efforts.

    According to him, she doesn’t know how to quantify our relationship (nothing has happened between us or will) , and she doesn’t want him talking to me about their relationship. He said she feels insecure, but also likes control. I asked how I’m any different to his other friends, as I know he vents to them also. I’ve been nothing but supportive of them and I don’t want to make her feel uncomfortable. When we do meet it’s always been in groups, with our other friends, to make sure she’s not uncomfortable. (she still bails on meeting)

    It’s now getting to the point where, it’s causing tension between them. Last thing I want. However, the only thing I think she’d be happy with is him and I not talking at all. Should I just step back and agree to that, so it’s stops the tension and makes things easier for them, or do I make contact with her and see if that helps.

    I just want him to be happy, so I would step back if necessary, but I’d rather not have to lose my best friend if I didn’t have too.

    #844908 Reply

    My wife just went through this exact situation. Her best friend of 15 years started dating an insecure woman who was “uncomfortable” with him having female friends. First he started distancing himself, then he just straight up cut off contact with all of his female friends (and really, he only had female friends).

    It’s a shitty situation to be in. There’s not much you can do. It’s sweet that you want the best for your friends relationship, but a relationship where one person controls who the other is friends with is not a happy one.

    What can you do about it, though? Not much. You can give a little space and hope she works through her insecurity, though that runs the risk of him simply giving in to her demands and cutting you out.

    You can express your concerns about him isolating himself ONCE, but be prepared for him to get defensive.

    You can also take the nuclear option and call him out as a bad friend for being willing to toss out an old and tested friendship to placate a woman who he just met.

    If it was me, I’d express my concerns once and then back off and hope the relationship either improves or runs its course.

    #844910 Reply

    Ugh this is the worst. It happened to me once and was pretty hurtful – but also pretty enjoyable to watch that unhealthy relationship eventually crash and burn. That’s the thing – a girl who is this insecure is going to be a nightmare to date. Hopefully your friend will wise up and move on. If not, the relationship is clearly meeting some weird need for him and that is sad, but tells you something about his character. All you can do is be patient, kind, and express your disappointment if he starts distancing himself.

    #844911 Reply

    I think your role is just to make decisions for yourself, not for them as a couple. Your friend has to decide what, if any, changes he wants to make for his relationship. I don’t think it’s really your job to decide what’s best for them and/or make changes on his behalf. If he wants to deal with the tension, he can. If he wants to step back from the friendship, he can. If he wants to break up with her because she’s controlling, he can.

    Your role IS to decide what works for you or doesn’t. If this conflict is bothering YOU, then you can decide to step back or whatever. But I think you need to be focusing more on what’s good for you than trying to make life easier for him (because that’s his job).

    I was in a similar situation, and I did step back, but it was because he was pissing me off and being a bad friend. I think it was a good decision because they stayed together for a while and I would have felt very disrespected through that whole time.

    #844915 Reply

    I’m with @dinoceros on this. Your friend is the one who has to make the decision. You can’t manage his relationship for him.

    I would just continue with your friendship as usual. She might calm down. She might not. He might decide that she’s too controlling or insecure for his taste and break it off. She might decide that she can’t handle dating men with female friends and break it off. Maybe they’ll compromise and he’ll spend a little less time with you.

    My point is, this is something they have to work out for themselves, individually and as a couple.

    #844936 Reply

    Your friend has an issue with his controlling girlfriend. He chooses to date her.

    #845238 Reply

    He needs to take the lead on this. You don’t need to try and manage their relationship for them, he’s plenty capable of doing it for himself. In your situation, I’d just let him know you value his friendship a lot.

    I wouldn’t push trying to meet the girlfriend, though, when she’s as unwilling as she’s been. But if his venting about his girlfriend bothers you, you’re perfectly entitled to enforce your own boundaries and tell him that you don’t want to listen to that. Surely you as friends have more to talk about than his relationship? If he needs to talk to an understanding outsider, he’d be better off talking to a therapist rather than you.

    How long have those two been a couple, anyway? If she’s this insecure about him having a female bestie, maybe they need some couples counseling. People in a secure relationship don’t try and dictate who their partner can be friends with.

    #845240 Reply

    I lost a best friend of 30 years standing because his crazy girlfriend decided I was an actual witch who was putting spells on her, and you know what, she could’t help being crazy, but he certainly could have helped the situation a lot more than he did.Your friend is responsible for his actions towards you, and if he can’t find a way to resolve this so your friendship can continue, then he’s treating you badly as a friend.I’d recommend keeping a wary distance from him until they are either more secure in their relationship or it is over- if you push for a meeting no matter how reasonable you attempt to be, it may just blow up in your face.

    #845277 Reply

    If you have never given her a reason to dislike you or trust you in regards to your relationship with him, then sorry you are going through this. I do think the request he not talk about his relationship with you is reasonable given it is well known that is a gateway to trouble. You should have plenty of other things to talk about if you are good friends.

    He is going to have to take lead on this as there isn’t much you can do. Her trust level with him depends on various factors that you nor I have full insight on.

    #845284 Reply

    I dunno, i distrust your friend on a lot of this. She asks him not to discuss their relationship and then he talks all about it with you! He tells you your friendship is causing tension, that she bails on group events because of you, that she didn’t want him to talk about their relationship with you, etc etc.

    If she’s never met you, how can she have a problem? Or know that you’ll be at an event and to bail? HIM.

    Stop talking to your friend about his relationship, REFUSE TO HEAR ANYTHING ABOUT IT, and continue your friendship like normal. His relationship isn’t your business and he needs to stop including you in it.

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