Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

his idea of sex is me taking care of him

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This topic contains 18 replies, has 8 voices, and was last updated by avatar 4 days, 20 hours ago.

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  • #814614 Reply

    I could be sweaty and tired from cleaning up all his messes, and he will say, he wants sex– there will have been no tenderness or kindness all day— usually he will be in the bar with friends come home drunk, and get drunker still while watching porn, and then want sex–he will make me feel terrible if i even try to hesitate and say how I have such a low sex drive—so I cave, but all he really wants is for me to ‘service him’ and he is done– the idea that I may not have enjoyed it does not even come to mind- he feels I should feel honored that I am able to please him. He is generally drunk, so talking to him results into terrible degrading insults about me. When he is sober the next day, he denies it or says that it was yesterday and we should let it go-
    I have allowed him to destroy my self esteem, and do not know how to recover. He got me fired my job, so now I truly feel stuck with him–any advice?

    #814616 Reply

    Get another job ASAP and get away from this pos. Don’t get pregnant in the meantime.

    #814630 Reply

    Agree. He hurt your self esteem but just you writing this proves you know you’re way better than this. Get another job and move on ASAP.

    #814635 Reply

    Do what you must to end this as quickly and safely as possible. You deserve so much better than this.

    #814640 Reply

    Yea, id say you need to be making an exit plan without him ever knowing. This is so much more then him not giving good quality sex. He does not sound like a healthy partner. You should reach out to friends and family for help. The next step if he hasnt already will start beating you.

    • This reply was modified 1 week, 3 days ago by avatar Poppy.
    #814642 Reply

    This should have ended a long time ago. And just why did you not end it when he got you fired? Like it has already been said, go stay with family or friends, now. You got yourself in this mess and its up to you to get yourself out.

    #814646 Reply

    Please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE. You are in a very dangerous situation and need to get out asap. They will help you find shelter and a way out. Call today.

    #814647 Reply

    +1 that this is an abusive controlling relationship and you need to get out. This doesn’t have to be your experience. You don’t deserve this.

    #814652 Reply

    You need to leave but don’t tell him. The loss of your job has left you isolated and dependent. You could talk to a women’s shelter or leave to stay with family or friends but you need to get out. If he would sabotage a job you may need to move first then find the job.

    Try going to a local library to use a computer to look for job opportunities. He won’t be able to see any computer history that way and won’t know what you are doing. You can also ask about a women’s shelter and find out how to contact them. You may also be able to use a library phone to place the call so that your boyfriend can’t tell what you are doing.

    If you don’t get out this will only get worse. There was probably a time when he seemed like a great guy. That time is past and it won’t be back. There is no fixing this. The only thing you can do is to get out.

    #814656 Reply

    Yeah. Dump this asshat immediately.

    #814973 Reply
    Teri Anne

    I agree with the other correspondents that you need to make an exit plan without telling him, because your safety and even your life is at stake. Please remember that abusers are at their most dangerous when the victim tries to leave. This means that even if he hasn’t gotten violent yet, he may hit you when you try to leave. Pack up your things when he is gone, and have a place to stay lined up when you leave. If you have no friends or family, a women’s shelter can be a suitable temporary place to stay. While you work on your exit plan, pack an overnight bag with some clothes and important documents so you can leave immediately if it is necessary. Good luck.

    #814995 Reply

    You are worth more than this. Reach out to your support network (whether family/friends/domestic abuse groups) and get out safely. Everything may seem hopeless now but it’s worth it, you’re worth it. You’ll start feeling better once you’re out of this awfulness.

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