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Dear Wendy

“His Parents Practically Live With Us”

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  • #853667 Reply
    Dear WendyDear Wendy

    From a LW:

    “I have been with my boyfriend for four years now. We live together. His parents used to come up.for a weekend here and there or holiday, which was fine. Now that they are retired they have spent almost the whole year at our home. They come up for a weekend or week and end up staying for a month. Leaving for two weeks only to come right back for another month. When they are at our house they sit in the living room on computers all day and night. They dont clean the house or hel with anything. Once they leave I find food under the sofas. I was told by his stepfather a few days ago that they would be arriving at our home in the next week after just leaving from a month stay. His step father also informed me they would be staying through December, go on a little trip for Christmas, then plan on coming back for New Year’s. I asked my boyfriend to please ask his mother not to come this time as we need to have time for our relationship. I also got so mad that I told his stepfather I needed to know the dates so I could book a hotel for their stay. His step father started with “what did we do” and is “C” going to stay at the hotel you questions. Leading to his mother sending a message to my boyfriend saying I could just move out and asked him to tell me not to talk to his step father anymore. I’m at the point of not knowing what to do. I’ve tried to get my boyfriend to understand where I’m coming from and he says he hates them being around all the time but won’t do anything about it. His mother also calls and texts everyday all day. To the point we can not even have dinner together or watch a movie without this interpretation. I need advice on where to go from here. I don’t understand how someone can not see they are ruing their sons relationship.”

    #853680 Reply

    Hi-This sounds horrible. Of course they see, but it seems they want what they want and don’t care. Your boyfriend knows you are upset and won’t do anything about it. So they are each choosing the status quo over you. Pretty crappy of them I think.
    This is on your boyfriend to fix. He needs to set boundaries with them,restricting how often they come ,and how long they can stay. Possibly requesting they stay in a hotel at certain times as well. The all day calling and texting has to stop as well.
    What to do?- Tell him that if this is not fixed by him,with no waffling and bending on his part-that YOU ARE moving out and if you have to do that,the likely-hood of you continuing the relationship or moving back is about zero.
    If he argues or does not immediately stand up to his parents and take action-then sorry but you were never his priority. However you will be better off without him/them,if that is the case.

    #853701 Reply

    This is not a problem you have with them, it’s a problem you have with him. He should value you enough to be able to make boundaries and ask his parents to stop staying with you for weeks, months, years. Since he cannot do that, or doesn’t want to, you should take their hint and move out. Leave him. Nothing is going to magically change if you stay in a relationship with someone who prioritizes you AFTER his mother.

    #853702 Reply

    It’s hard to write off 4 years, but that’s what you need to do. You must MOA. Your bf isn’t on your side and this situation isn’t going to improve.

    #853704 Reply

    Yes, this is the old cliche: you don’t have an in-law problem, you have a boyfriend problem. This is 100% on him.

    When you live with someone, you both have equal say over who to invite as guests, when they stay and how long they stay. Your boyfriend and his parents have taken over the house and given you no say in who stays in YOUR OWN HOME. This is utter thoughtlessness and rudeness on all of their parts.

    It’s time for him to carve out space for own life. The one he shares with you. If the two of you can’t sort this out on your own, try couples counseling. If he insists on having his parents live with you, well, then I guess you have a decision to make.

    #853707 Reply

    Break up. NEWSFLASH: Your boyfriend is a dolt. And a doormat! This will NEVER improve. Ever. If you stay… this will be Your life. Forever and ever and ever…

    #853708 Reply

    Even the texting all day thing- he could put his phone away. Or turn it off and have an uninterrupted conversation with you. He chooses not to.

    #853709 Reply

    I agree with others who say — just cut your losses now. Forget trying to negotiate with his parents. They’re too far gone. He should’ve been a grown-up and developed communication skills long before now. Then again, he learned it from them. (“You tell Susie that I said that she can’t talk to Joe anymore!” WTF? That’s not even triangulating, that’s polygon-ating. Or something. Ridic.)

    #853711 Reply

    This situation will continue for as long as you allow it to. Have you told your boyfriend how unhappy this situation makes you? If so, it’s time to do something about it. Next time they come to stay, you move out. Surely crashing at a friend’s place for a bit is better than this.

    Your boyfriend needs to see you mean business, that if he wants to be with you he will need to set boundaries with his parents, no matter how hard it is. If they won’t take no for an answer, he may have to take drastic measures, up to and including blocking their numbers for a while.

    His parents don’t want him to grow up, they want him at their beck and call. This won’t change until he stands to lose something he values more than the uncomfortable status quo. But be prepared to MOA if he won’t take any action.

    #853724 Reply

    I don’t think I would wait until his parents are living in your home again and then leave to “show your boyfriend you mean business”. You are expected not to interact or speak to your boyfriend’s father while he lives in your home, for free. Wtf? Your boyfriend is allowing them to treat you horribly and overrun your home. I think it’s past time to cut your losses. If you want, you can try a serious conversation where you explain to him that he either puts his foot down, starts backing you up the way a half decent person would, and his parents are banned from visits until a complete apology is made to you and they promise to respect the time limits your boyfriend sets with them (they can visit for a max of 3 total weeks a year). But frankly it doesn’t sound like your boyfriend loves or respects you. Time to leave.

    #853765 Reply

    Leave. This situation sucks, and it is not worth the effort trying to fix it. In future relationships, make sure your opinions are taking in consideration, in regards of visits and shared space.

    #853768 Reply

    You should take the legal angle. As a flatmate you have rights. You pay a part of the rent, so the place is yours too. He can’t inflict you guests without your agreement. If these intrusions don’t stop immediately you should file a complaint to the landlord. If his name is not on the lease ask him to get out in a legal deadline. If your name is not on the lease just move out and stop paying rent asap after having filed a complaint. Defend yourself already.

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