Ho to tell if she's interested but hesitating, or simply not interested
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I’m kind of enjoying the responses in this thread.
Somehow I missed the post about “mixed signals.” Wow. So, those aren’t mixed signals. I’d approach literally anyone at the gym who might look like they’re in pain to ask them if they’re okay, and the towel “incident” means literally nothing. I’m vaguely reminded of Anchorman 2, when Brick meets a romantic interest…
Anyway, advice doesn’t change. Say hello, strike up a real conversation (not just saying “excuse me”)! Worst case scenario she doesn’t seem all that interested in you and you go back to not speaking, but at least then you can stop creating these scenarios in your head.
Am I really the only one that’s concerned about how much analysis he’s putting into behaviour that literally has nothing to do with him?
Have you never had a crush? When I was in university I would do this all the time. Like, oh, is he looking at me? Maybe he likes me! I think it’s pretty normal.
And maybe some people have no issue with talking to strangers, but me personally, I would never ask a strange guy at the gym if he was ok, and I would absolutely never ever touch a stranger’s towel. So if someone I was attracted to did those things, it would seem to me to be a possible overture of sorts, since it’s outside of my “normal”.
I’m a little more concerned with how concerned you are about it. The guy’s just asking us for an opinion. He’s not stalking her. She’s talked to him, which isn’t “nothing to do with him”. If he finds her attractive, it’s totally normal for him to wonder if maybe she finds him attractive too.
@MMR Once I caught the “mixed signals” post, yeah, I did reconsider, but no, really not concerning. I think part of the problem is that we don’t usually see some of these inner thoughts in writing like this, you know?
This is a little different, but when I started dating an ex of mine, he touched my hand! If I’d come onto DW and written a post about how, on our second date, this guy I had a crush on touched my hand, and did he mean to touch my hand or was it an accident, but it kinda felt like it lingered a bit, and what did he think about me if he was intentionally touching my hand but not HOLDING it, I would’ve sounded absurd. This was ages ago, but I definitely told a friend ALL ABOUT our four-second finger graze later. Because I liked him. Because I WANTED it to mean something. I don’t think this is really any different.
I can see discussing these things with a friend, but I can only ever see my friend’s reaction (or my reaction) being a really giddy, over-the-top confirmation that “HE TOTALLY LOVES YOU!!!!” followed by developing several over-the-top scenarios about how to get his attention, and maybe a serious plan about how I’m totally going to talk to him tomorrow.
But that’s not what this is. He is honestly, TRULY wondering if that one time she leaned on his towel and didn’t look at him, coupled with occasionally being in his line of sight means she’s secretly into him. (And sure, one time she asked if he was OK – I think we can all agree that hardly means she’s interested, mostly that she’s just a decent human being)
I guess what’s weird is that he’s not asking about how to approach her, or if it would be weird if he did – he’s trying to decide that she likes him already, even though he’s done nothing to try to figure it out, and she’s done nothing to indicate it (can we agree on this?). Isn’t that weird? (still, no one else?) I promise, this is my last post about this. I just get a really weird vibe from his posts…
Am I really the only one that’s concerned about how much analysis he’s putting into behavior that literally has nothing to do with him?
Eh – I think he’s being overly hopeful and that she’s probably not interested, but I also don’t think I’m “concerned”. Who among us in our youth didn’t spend hours analyzing nuances of our crushes behavior, hoping to find evidence of interest where any reasonable person would see there wasn’t any?
Despite over analyzing things, I don’t think he seems threatening.
And, so long as he is respectful and attuned to how she reacts and immediately leaves her alone if she shows anything less than enthusiastic interest, I don’t think its a bad thing to go up, say hello, and introduce himself. If nothing else, it will be clarifying for him, that no, she’s not interested. She’s just one of those people who stares off into space when she works out, sometimes he happens to be in her line of sight. Or whatever. And then he can move on already.
But that’s not what this is. He is honestly, TRULY wondering if that one time she leaned on his towel and didn’t look at him, coupled with occasionally being in his line of sight means she’s secretly into him.
Yeah – and I once honestly, TRULY wondered if a guy was into me because he once picked up a piece of paper I dropped. I mean, have you never been young and filled with hormones, and a somewhat awkward person that is inexperienced with dating?
And even if his analysis is over the top, that doesn’t mean the next step is threatening her in some way.
I mean, rather than fling himself at her, he’s asking people for advice and opinions about a) whether he’s off base and b) what is an appropriate thing to do?
And pretty much everyone is saying “Nah, she’s probably not into you, but you can put the issues to bed once and for all just by introducing yourself in a respectful way.”
Can you imagine if you were this woman and saw a thread with over 40 posts in a forum about how you leaned on a towel once?
It sounds to me that he’s hoping she’s into him, but that he doesn’t want to bother her at the gym if she’s not, so he’s asking for outside opinions. Isn’t that the opposite of concerning? Actually considering whether your advance will be welcome? I wish more guys would introspect this way, quite frankly.
OK – I give. I should watch more romcoms and fewer crime shows.
Advice remains the same: Assume she’s completely neutral until you actually have a real conversation with her and she indicates that she is.
