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Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Home schooling

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  • #1110692 Reply
    Sweetie
    Guest

    Hi
    I would like a bit of advice, my daughter is nearly 15 and the next 2 years are her exam years in school.
    I am having trouble getting her into school point blank refuses screams the house down. Hates the school point blank. She says she has panic attacks into school hates the people their and won’t set foot in the place again.
    I am tearing my hair out. To the point I am seriously considering homeschooling.
    I have looked into the exams she can take. And see you can do them privately which I don’t mind doing. I have looked into other activities she can do etc she wants to be a chef so I have looked down routes which she can do.
    I would just like any info is homeschooling the way to go or not??
    Many thanks

    #1110698 Reply
    Kate
    Keymaster

    Before deciding on home schooling I would try to talk to her and get to the bottom of what’s going on at the school that’s making her so miserable. It’s possible it is a problem that could be solved, though who knows. I would frame it like, I want to help you here, but legally I can’t let you not go to school, so talk to me.

    And then I would look into what other options might exist for another school she could go to. I’d explore all avenues before committing to home schooling because that’s a huge commitment. It’s a full time job, and I don’t know if you have the ability and will to do that well. Maybe you do, I don’t know. But it’s also think it’s good for kids to go to school and interact with other people. Unless she’s in some kind of danger there, I think she’s better off having that experience. Taking obstacles out of kids’ way isn’t necessarily the best for them. Though I’m sure you also have to consider, would she drop out of school when she’s legally able.

    Anyway, I’d try to find another solution first. Unless you’re a trained teacher who really wants to do this, I don’t think it’s probably best for either of you.

    #1110701 Reply
    Miss MJ
    Guest

    I agree with Kate. I’d explore other options, either by solving the problem at her current school or – more likely given her extreme reaction to school
    – by enrolling her at another school, before homeschooling at high schooler. I’m sorry you and she are going through this, though. It sounds like something serious went down at school. I’d also keep the potential for therapy in mind once you figure out the school situation.

    #1110702 Reply
    golfer.gal
    Guest

    I agree. What does her school counselor say? And her teachers? The principal? Before making a decision of this magnitude you should be meeting with your daughter and the school. How are her grades? Does she need support she’s not getting? Is she being bullied? Does she have any friends? Does she need to be evaluated for mental health – depression, anxiety,etc, or a learning disability? Before jumping to the extreme of removing her from school you need to be able to answer all of those questions. The others are right that homeschooling is really difficult and will require a huge time commitment on your part, especially later year high school classes.

    #1110705 Reply
    LisforLeslie
    Guest

    What about a compromise? She’s 15 so why not see if she can get a part time job in a kitchen? She wants to be a chef, she should see how a kitchen works. I mean how it really works because even the best run kitchens are tough. They are hot and sweaty and it’s pretty gross. Friday & Saturday nights are when restaurants need all hands on deck.

    I off this up because she probably thinks being a chef is like what she sees on TV and can’t fathom why she needs school. Maybe she needs a little reality. If she’s still committed, then you can perhaps offer her up some cooking classes at a community college.

    But her reactions are somewhere between “she’s 15” and “oh, she needs professional help” so I’d say therapy may also be needed.

    #1110709 Reply
    Anonymousse
    Guest

    As far as the panic attacks and hating her school, have you looked into those things more? Is she being bullied? Did something happen? Have you spoken to her teachers, friends or the counselor at school? Have you had her see a doctor or therapist? Anxiety is common and easily managed. But I’m not sure it will be entirely solved by quitting school.

    It requires finesse, and calm but I think you should try and probe a little more to find out if she is okay.

    I mean, I agree with a lot of the advice from others above but also, does she really want to be a chef? You could get her a job as a dishwasher in a kitchen.

    Kitchens are kind of rough places to work. My brother is a chef. It’s broiling hot, the chef is rude, the hours long and kitchens are notoriously bad for women. The pay is usually not great and there are normally no benefits in the US, although I realize you may not be in the US.

    Does she cook at home? I’m not trying to destroy her goals, but just offer some downsides and perspective. Is there a school nearby that offers any courses? Perhaps she really could build a happy career in the culinary arts.

    #1110710 Reply
    Anonymousse
    Guest

    *I am sorry for saying anxiety is easily managed. I myself have occasional bad panic attacks/general anxiety and know that it indeed is not always easily managed, but it is more easily managed with some professionals on the team, which I highly recommend.

    #1110714 Reply
    Sweetie
    Guest

    Thank you for all your advice. I know it is a massive commitment. I have tried talking to my told her all the legal aspects of going to school, what home schooling involves also the money aspect to it to and how much it would cost us as a family.
    I honestly don’t know if I can afford going down this route.
    My daughter point blank refuses to go to school says she hates it and won’t walk in the place again.
    I have contacted the school they will do a reduce timetable for her but that isn’t permanent .
    She says she isn’t getting bullied etc been down all those routes
    Just when I try and talk to her she just screams and shouts at me, causes so much trouble in the house everything is on her terms, like this week I have asked her to do things in the house, just tidying her room and she hasn’t even done that and I’m
    Thinking if she can’t do that how is she going to deal with home schooling and I will be telling her she needs to do this that and the other.
    And I don’t know how much more I can take. I’m literally at the end.
    How can I get her to school if I can’t get her out the door? I can’t pick her up and carry her.
    Last year a teacher at her school thought she was on the Autism spectrum but I don’t know.
    I haven’t a clue where to start and I think she needs to be back in school, I can’t keep up with the arguments every morning it’s killing me and I have my own job to get to aswell.

    #1110716 Reply
    Kate
    Keymaster

    Yeah based on this I think you need to focus on her mental health before making decisions about schooling. You’re right that if you made this huge life adjustment, giving up income you need to ensure your financial future, it is unlikely to have a positive outcome since your daughter seems to be in distress and unwilling to listen to you or do what she needs to do. I think you should work to get her talking to a professional who can figure out what’s going on with her and what she needs in order to be able to calm down and have capacity to focus on school.

    #1110718 Reply
    Anonymousse
    Guest

    She needs counseling or a therapist. Something’s going on. Despite how terrible it may be, I would really try to find out WTF happened.

    Speak to her calmly as you can, every time. You need to explain to her that you cannot afford to homeschool her and she’s not doing her own responsibilities at home to begin with. She needs to meet you halfway and communicate about what’s going on or take care of her stuff at home and prove she will do work at home.

    Get her a job in a kitchen. They will not deal with an attitude in a proper kitchen.

    #1110723 Reply
    ron
    Guest

    If she’s on the autism spectrum, her school district should have evaluated her for that. They also are required by federal law to have an individual educational plan for her, as autism spectrum qualifies for special ed, which is federally regulated. When you talk to the district, tell them that a teacher told you she suspected autism spectrum. Ask to see her school file. Federal law also entitles you to that. You may need to talk to a lawyer, to apply pressure to the school to reveal what they know and do what they must do to evaluate and help your daughter if she returns to school.

    I wouldn’t push on daughter to tidy her room. This sounds like it may be the onset of a serious psychological problem. She’s entering the age where many of these problems first emerge, and I’m not referring to autism spectrum. You need to have her evaluated by a professional.

    I would get advice from a professional, either a therapist, psychologist, or the local agency which helps troubled youth, before imposing anything on your daughter, including a visit to a therapist. She sounds like the sort of teen who will run away from home and get swallowed up in some big city.

    This is beyond your ability to handle, or our ability to advise. Whether or not you home school is a secondary issue. If that is the route you ultimately take, many states have on-line charter schools, which supply curriculum and computer. You’d still need to help and support her, but it wouldn’t be as overwhelming as you are thinking. But again, that is all secondary to finding out what the school knows and learning what you can do to get your daughter evaluated, without sparking a runaway.

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