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Honesty in damaged relationship

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  • #855220 Reply
    avatarSusan Thomas

    This is not like me to post a personal question to an online forum but here goes….

    Approximately 8 months ago, I had an affair with someone I met at a work conference out of the area. I felt strongly about this affair and ended up telling my husband (of less than 2 years) about it and that I wanted a divorce. We separated immediately after and within 3 months, I realized I made a mistake. My husband had already met someone else (a coworker) and was reluctant to get back together. But we both started seeing counseling and rekindled things. He is in the process of starting to move back into our home but there is still a lot to work out.
    I know I am the one who hurt him and started this mess and I am forever guilty. But I too am hurt by his quickness to jump into another relationship so fast since he was supposedly so heartbroken by my transgression. He will not tell me the name of his coworker who he was seeing when we were separated. I have begged him to know because we live in a very small town and since he works with her, he sees her everyday. He said it has nothing to do with me and that I should trust him and move on. I say that in order to move on, I need to know who this person is because it is tearing me up inside not knowing. I am always wondering whenever we are out in a public space. I know he loves me and wants to make this work but the fact that he is holding out on telling me this information is really upsetting. He says that I will compare myself to her and that I will not let him live it down. I told him I would not say anything and that I just need to know because it would be embarrassing to find out from someone else and/or to actually have to interact with this person, not knowing. I know they know who I am and probably some of my secrets and I do not think it is fair that I don’t at least have the common decency to know who they are.


    #855225 Reply

    You’re the one that cheated, initiated a divorce and then were upset that he didn’t crawl into a cave to die of heartbreak. You are harping on this because you need him to be at fault to alleviate your own guilt.

    I understand why you want this information but you’re not entitled to it. You ended the marriage. He moved on afterwards.

    If you need him to be at fault then you’re still where your marriage was before you cheated, unhappy and looking for an out. It doesn’t matter that you live in a small town. You’re the one that humiliated him.

    If you truly love him, you will put this aside and never ask about it again. If you trust him, you have nothing to worry about.

    If I were him, this would be a dealbreaker for me and I’d be out the door.

    #855228 Reply

    You might feel upset that he moved on, but you broke your marriage vows with an affair and left him. You are allowed to feel your feelings but you should not be taking them out on him. He didn’t betray you. He didn’t proceed to divorce you. You left him and he found someone.

    He took you back despite the betrayal.

    Be thankful that your husband is a forgiving person, and try to be more like that. Drop this.

    I can understand why you want to know, but I can also understand why he doesn’t want to tell you. If you want your marriage to heal, you need to move on and stop asking for her name. It’s unfair and it also seems like you want to use it as ammunition.

    Think about how he is behaving. He’s taken you back, he’s moving back in and you’re in counseling. That’s a gift. Don’t spoil the good fortune of having a second chance. If that’s what you want. Do you want your marriage back, or do you want to push him away?

    #855232 Reply

    You were on a break. He has agreed to forgive you and move on, leave him this. He doesn’t have to tell you. He does not owe you this information.You have no idea why it might be important to him, or them, not to tell you, and it’s not your business- if he can be gracious enough to forgive you for the sake of your possible future together, you can have the grace to let this drop, and move on.

    #855236 Reply

    Yes, yes, yes. You are very wrong here. Very, very wrong. Keep it up and you will be very, very alone.

    #855237 Reply

    I agree with the others. Besides,I think if you did know the details-you would obsess,harp on them etc. and cause more drama. Just let it go.

    #855239 Reply

    I personally don’t think you have a leg to stand on here. You cheated then asked for a divorce. How long was he supposed to wait to date for it to be acceptable to you? 6 months? A year? Was he supposed to wallow in self pity and pine after you?

    You fucked up. He rebounded. Be thankful for the gift you were given. Do you really want to get back together or did it just not work out with your fling and you prefer what’s easy?

    Sorry if that was harsh, but you have work to do. And fwiw, I had an emotional affair when I was with my ex-fiancé. We never married. I eventually found and married someone who was an infinitely better fit. Oh, and we got together a year after his one-year marriage. So I get it.

    If you’re not seeing a therapist alone to work on your issues, you should.

    #855242 Reply

    Not to pile on but, yeah. You cheated and dumped him. What he did while he was single isn’t any of your business. Him moving on to someone else doesn’t mean he wasn’t also grieving the end of your marriage. What he did was not a betrayal. You need to let this go.

    #855243 Reply

    If you did learn who it was, how would things change?

    #855246 Reply

    You’re a real piece of work. You cheated and you feel you are the wronged party. Too bad he doesn’t just dump your ass. He’d be happier with his office romance.

    #855253 Reply

    Wait, wut?! You’re talking about common decency? Are you kidding? When you cheated?

    Plus, you’re not being honest with yourself. Knowing this information would not resolve anything. You’d be more obsessed, more insecure, more hateful toward your husband. Admit that. That’s why he’s not telling you. He doesn’t want to fan the flames of your obsession.

    #855278 Reply

    Let me get this straight. You cheated on him. You left him. And you are resentful that he didn’t sit around long enough crying about your betrayal of your marriage. You are a deranged narcissist and he is making a terrible mistake reconciling with you.

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