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Dear Wendy

Honesty in damaged relationship

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  • #855282 Reply
    avatarOracle
    Guest

    Everything is about you. What you want no matter how it hurts others. Your (still) husband must have self esteem issues. He will figure it out . Demanding to know who he dated while you had filled for divorce – oh please. You are a real piece of work.

    #855302 Reply
    avatarSusan Thomas
    Guest

    I love how people act like they know all the in’s and out’s after reading literally two paragraphs. All the abusive comments aren’t very helpful. I realize it is easy to sit and hide behind your computer and call someone names. I was posting this for advice, not name-calling. Thanks for the responses that were helpful and supportive. No thanks to the miserable name-callers.

    #855304 Reply
    avatarFyodor
    Guest

    We know what you have told us.

    We know that you cheated and on your husband.

    We know that you left your husband.

    We know that he has agreed to forgive you and reconciled despite what many would consider to be unforgiveable grievances.

    We know that you actually have the temerity to be offended that he didn’t wait long enough to date after *you* cheated on him and *you* left him for your affair partner.

    We know that it’s none of your business who he dated after you left him for your affair partner.

    We know that you have no right to make demands of him in this situation.

    We know that someone who actually took seriously the gravity of her actions wouldn’t be pressuring her spouse for the details of his entirely appropriate relationship after she left him.

    That’s what we know.

    #855305 Reply
    avatarFyodor
    Guest

    My advice, to the extent you are listening is to leave this the hell alone and cultivate a sense of responsibility, empathy and consideration for your partner.

    #855306 Reply
    avatarFYI
    Guest

    Look, your husband is 100% correct. You will compare yourself to her, and you will never leave him alone about it. Ever. Someone upthread was also 100% correct: you are obsessing about this as a way to shift blame, as a way to escape guilt, as a way to avoid facing up to what you did.

    There. There is your advice.

    #855308 Reply
    SkyblossomSkyblossom
    Participant

    ” But I too am hurt by his quickness to jump into another relationship so fast since he was supposedly so heartbroken by my transgression.”

    You moved on while in the marriage and then dumped him and still feel hurt that he found another relationship after you dumped him.

    This is why everyone is making the comments they are making. You were even quicker to move on than he was. You betrayed him. He did nothing to you. You dumped him so he dated someone else. That’s how life works. Some people don’t stick around pining after you hoping you will decide you want them after all. I get it that it hurts to realize that you are just as replaceable as he was. You expected to move on with the affair partner happy and satisfied while your dumped husband was supposed to wallow in unhappiness. That’s what makes this thing super ugly. You expected and wanted him to be alone and miserable while you moved on and were happy.

    You are showing no empathy for him and what you did to him. At least now you know that you are replaceable so if you don’t treat him right he can move on.

    #855312 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    What Skyblossom said. Look, either do the hard work of rebuilding trust the right way, with a counselor, or just move on. It’s not going to make you feel any better to know who the woman is, and given that she’s a co-worker, your husband is kind of right to be cautious of revealing her identity in case you would do something rash.

    I don’t know if you two are going to be able to get through this, at least not without professional help. You both demonstrated a willingness to move on quickly and find someone else. But you especially. You can’t blame him for turning to someone else.

    #855313 Reply
    Dear WendyDear Wendy
    Keymaster

    I’m curious what made you think you’d made a mistake asking for a divorce? You said you felt strongly about your affair, told your husband about it, you two immediately separated, and within three months you realized you’d made a mistake. Was it the extramarital relationship not working out that made you think you’d made a mistake or did you actually realize your husband is a good match for you and that your marriage was worth more than being so quickly disregarded?

    I have a hunch your affair didn’t work out and if it had, you wouldn’t be asking for your husband back. And now you’re putting conditions on how and whether YOU are able to move on and work again on your marriage. It isn’t fair, it isn’t right. You made a mistake – you have to deal with the consequences of that mistake, which include: maybe not getting your husband back; not knowing who he dated after you dumped him; maybe ending up alone (for a while, anyway). There are consequences to every action. Welcome to reality.

    #855327 Reply
    SkyblossomSkyblossom
    Participant

    I’m with Wendy here. Why do you want him back? What issues have you covered and settled to make sure you don’t feel the urge to cheat again? What did you get out of the affair that you weren’t getting out of the marriage?

    You’ve titled your question as honesty in damaged relationship. You were the one who lacked honesty in the relationship. Him refusing to tell you who he was with out of the relationship, when the relationship didn’t exist, isn’t a lack of honesty on his part.

    I assume you are afraid that he will cheat on you with the woman at work just like you cheated on him. He is either trustworthy or he isn’t but you knowing who she is won’t change that. If you feel you will look foolish not knowing who she is you can rest assured that all of his coworkers know that you cheated on him. You will be that woman with all of them. They will all treat you oddly. That’s the consequence of cheating.

    #855444 Reply
    avatarSusan Thomas
    Guest

    The extramarital affair was short and brief and did make me realize that my husband is a good match for me. It didn’t work out because I realized I had made a mistake and did not want to be with this man. I realized I had been glossing over my husband and I’s issues for a long time and had kept a lot of stuff inside. We had been going through a lot of changes – buying a new house, me changing jobs, us trying to have a baby – and I felt a lot of stress was un-proportionally placed on me and I guess I just snapped. His over-the-top attachment to his mother and not helping me reinforce boundaries with her and our marriage (that is a whole other story) were also drivers for me to leave him. I wanted out and I wanted out fast and that is how the affair started. I told my husband as early as possible because I did not want to keep this a secret from him and am a horrible liar and I felt he at least deserved the respect of knowing. I know many people sadly who have affairs and never tell their spouses – I at least didn’t want to be one of those people. But yes, it was premature and a rash decision on my part. He wanted to work things out but I was adamant about my new chosen life. The man I was seeing was also extremely manipulative ( I realized that soon after) and was talking in my ear the whole time and he made it seem like with him my life would be easy and I wouldn’t have to work so hard anymore. Anyways, it is what it is. I just have this need to know who she is and I feel those reasons are valid but I guess I have to live with not knowing and maybe someday I will find out from someone other than my husband who he was with when we were apart. We are both seeing counseling together and a part and our counselor at least validates that I have the right to know this information and that it was pretty recent to get into another relationship for my husband (less than 1 month after I left him) but he also respects my husbands wishes to not tell me. Side note- My husband also messed around with a married woman during this time and got himself into some real trouble with her husband and her lying about what happened between them (to protect her marriage) and I know who she is because of the legal bullshit she put him through and I am not obsessing over it. It is the not knowing that really bothers me – I feel like a dumbo and yes it is embarrassing and yes I understand that I embarrassed my husband too but he did not have to tell everyone about the in’s and out’s of our marriage- he made that choice to announce to basically all of our mutual friends/acquaintances and his colleagues what I did and how it all went down. I would have personally been a little more private about it but I guess he was shocked. We are both now living with the airing of our dirty laundry in this little town together. But hey, nobody is perfect and I certainly don’t try to be.

    #855447 Reply
    CurlyQueCurlyQue
    Participant

    Oh, you told him right away? then OF COURSE your blameless and are the victim. Oh, the other guy was manipulative? then OF COURSE your blameless and are the victim. Oh, your husband told people he trusted about what was going on in his life (what you did) but that’s his fault he shared the info. You would’ve kept what you did private (of course you would’ve). Of COURSE your blameless and are the victim.

    Take responsibility for your actions and then move on. I hope you NEVER learn the identity of this woman from anyone because it’s none of your business. If you want a future with your husband you need to accept whatever happened while you were separated as none of your business and FOCUS ON YOUR MARRIAGE.

    #855448 Reply
    SkyblossomSkyblossom
    Participant

    Generally, when a marriage ends due to cheating everyone ends up knowing what happened. If and when he told anyone that his wife left him they would ask what happened. The honest reply would be she left me for another man. Most people don’t feel any need to tell lies to protect the reputation of the person who has cheated on them and left them. If you moved out of the marital home and were instantly in another relationship everyone would suspect what happened.

    The two of you have got to resolve the issues that led to the affair and you both have to learn better coping skills and better communication/listening and conflict resolution skills. Otherwise the next time there is stress in your marriage, and it will certainly happen, someone will cheat. Stress in the marriage may lead to a suspicion of cheating even when nothing is happening.

    You have to figure out how to help your husband to be able to trust you again. This will probably be the biggest hurdle. How can he trust you? You have proven yourself to be quite capable of cheating. You’ve proven yourself capable of lying.

    In the future, if you feel the marriage isn’t working, talk to your husband about what is wrong and what you need. Try going to counseling together to work our your issues. If that doesn’t work, don’t be in a hurry to jump into another relationship. You don’t need to replace your husband before leaving him. You and your husband are very similar in that both of you jumped into other relationships very rapidly. He just did his a month after you left him while you did yours before leaving. If things aren’t working just break up and move out. Skip having a new partner. Be alone for a good long while. Work on yourself before trying a new relationship. Those who jump rapidly into a new relationship tend to take whoever is available and that tends to mean they settle for someone who isn’t very good. Learn to watch for red flags when getting into a relationship.

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