Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Honesty in damaged relationship

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  • #855449 Reply

    Yeah, you have some curious and odd takes here, LW. Nearly every marriage that blows up does so due to infidelity. More — this is almost always loudly announced to the world by the aggrieved party… Exactly how you are now surprised that this happened with your husband simply baffles me.

    #855453 Reply

    I still don’t get your math.

    One month from when you left him is too short of a time for your husband to be in another relationship; however, being in another relationship BEFORE LEAVING YOUR HUSBAND is totally cool?

    You don’t have a right to know who it is.

    You’re so wrong on this.

    It’s like that old Eames “Powers of 10” video (youtube “eames powers of ten”) where the video starts at a picnic and zooms way out to the whole universe. But in this case it starts with “wrong”, keeps zooming out to “very wrong”, and ultimately ends with “you.”

    If you are going to work it out with your husband, you’re going to need to face that this is on you. You demanded to leave. Once you did, he was free to do what he wanted and it was (and still is) none of your business.

    #855457 Reply

    You cheated on your husband. You get no credit for telling him, because you instantly demanded a divorce without trying to work on the problems in your marriage. You didn’t confess the affair quickly in the hope of saving your marriage through counseling. It was your way of telling him just how through with the marriage you were.

    It may have hurt your feelings that you found you were replaceable within a month, but your husband had no obligation to perform months of chaste living to honor your image of yourself. You met a guy at a conference and immediately had sex with him and almost as fast decided he was your new relationship and your husband was trash to be thrown out — for a guy who was practically a total stranger, as evidenced by your surprise at his true personality and your speed of ending your marriage.

    You convinced your husband to take you back. That attempt to reconcile did not come with an obligation on his part to reveal is sexual history and name partners during the period you told him you were totally done with him. You have ZERO right to know who his gf was. The size of your town doesn’t confer that right. That your husband will be working with that woman and that the three of you may cross paths confers no such right.

    You sound not repentant at all about the affair. You just learned that the new guy wasn’t what you expected or to your ultimate liking so you went back to the comfortable old relationship. It sounds like you yanked husband back from a new relationship that was going well. Despite the two updates, I’ll repeat my earlier conclusion that your husband made a very serious mistake in taking you back.

    Your husband is faultless for telling his family/friends that the two of you split because you cheated, didn’t want to reconcile or repair marriage, and split. Why should he have his friends/family wondering whether he cheated on or abused you? You get to explain your own actions — once you left, it was no longer his responsibility to defend you.

    Maybe counseling will fix what was wrong with your marriage. But stop trying to sell the idea that you cheated because of what was wrong in the marriage or the stress of a new house or new job or trying to have a baby.

    Your new bf was manipulative? Probably not half as much as you are.

    #855459 Reply

    He isn’t damaging your reputation by being honest about your cheating. He has every right to tell people what happened. You damaged your own reputation by cheating on him. And I’m not sure why you needed to cheat to figure out whether your husband was a good match.

    #855462 Reply

    I don’t believe you. I simply don’t believe that your therapist said that you have “a right” to this information. I’m sure the therapist said they can understand why you feel you have a right to it, or that it’s understandable why’d you want this information. I think that is your interpretation.

    As for your husband – you don’t get to decide what is quick and what is not quick.

    You guys clearly had issues and instead of talking about it – you blew it up. It’s like your car ran out of gas and so you just set it in neutral and pushed it off an overpass. You’ve got the car in the shop but you aren’t addressing all the issues that got you where you are today. You need him to be at fault – and that’s on you. That’s your issue. Address the things that happened during your marriage, not the thing that happened when you were off sleeping with another man. That’s the boundary. You don’t get to demand answers for things that happened when you ran away and told your husband you were leaving him for another man.

    #855464 Reply
    avatarSusan Thomas

    Thank you Sky Blossom and the folks who have been offering helpful advice. No thank you to the folks who choose to take their own anger out on others looking for help. I am sure your lives are perfect and you have never done anything wrong, ever….I am not a person to wallow in my own guilt or bullshit so I just needed some advice and I have it now. Sorry folks if my typed words don’t sound like I am feeling as regretful or guilty as you think I should be feeling. I am thankful for the advice but I am seeing that this site can be very hurtful to folks in desperate and vulnerable situations and I think those of you who choose to bully and call names and basically come on here to talk crap because it somehow makes you feel better about your own life, are the worst.

    #855470 Reply

    Literally no one here is taking their anger out on you. You’re in the wrong and they’re giving you their opinion on that, which you asked for. You’re being awful.

    #855475 Reply
    avatarRuby Tuesday

    The only one who is talking shit is you, Susan. Deal with it.

    #855478 Reply

    Susan, there are plenty of people who write on this site who are in “desperate and vulnerable situations”. You are not one of them. You caused this mess and you want people to feel sorry for you.

    #855480 Reply

    So my advice is this-tell him you are sorry for hounding him about this and that you realize no good would come of knowing,the past is the past, and you just want to work on moving forward together.

    #855484 Reply

    You made some bad decisions. You cheated, and you walked out on your marriage. Well, people make bad decisions, it happens. Doesn’t mean you can’t redeem yourself.

    Where you’re running into trouble is not being willing to accept that bad decisions come with consequences. There’s no escaping them. You cheated on your husband in a small town where everybody knows everyone else’s business. I don’t know why you thought your husband wouldn’t tell anyone. I don’t know why he thought he shouldn’t tell anyone. His responsibility to have your back ended the day you told him you were leaving.

    Same goes for finding out the details of who he slept with after you left him. It’s not ANY of your business. He thought his marriage was over, because you told him it was. He was a free agent.

    Is it going to be embarrassing, going around town knowing everyone knows what happened? Yep. Consequences. You’re just gonna have to be embarrassed for awhile. That’s the price for the choices you made.

    #855487 Reply

    I have to wonder if you are too afraid of being alone. You jumped at the opportunity to have an affair as a way to get out of the marriage and when that turned out to be a mistake you jumped right back to the marriage. Have you considered being alone? Have you considered working on being happy by yourself and then adding a man to your life when your life is working out okay?

    I have serious doubts that your marriage will make it. Your focus is more on you having been injured rather than the mortal injury you inflicted on your marriage. I have trouble seeing either you or your husband being happy together. It’s hard to imagine trust happening in your relationship. It’s hard to imagine the two of you dealing with stress and stress will happen and it will be worse than the stress you had that lead to this affair. There is no way you will get through life without experiencing much greater stress than you had in your two years of marriage.

    I’d take this relationship very slowly. Nurture it carefully. Face the problems head on and deal with them honestly. See if the two of you can learn to resolve issues in a way that leaves both of you happy. If you can’t do that there is no point in trying to save the marriage. It is doomed unless the two of you can work together for joint happiness.

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