Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Honesty in damaged relationship

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Viewing 12 posts - 37 through 48 (of 57 total)
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  • #855488 Reply

    Trust is a foundation for marriage. Without trust you have a marriage sitting on quicksand. You also need mutual respect. I don’t think you respect your husband and who knows what he thinks about you. If you have trust and respect you can build a relationship but then it also needs shared values and shared goals. Do you have any of that?

    It seems that there is so much wrong with this marriage that it is hard to imagine how you will put it back together. Love isn’t enough to save a marriage. You can love someone who is completely incompatible. Love isn’t enough to conquer lack of trust or respect.

    #855498 Reply

    Wait, who is being mean here? Goid lord, I have been positively restrained in my response.

    #855500 Reply

    I called her a deranged narcissist. It was a bit hyperbolic but I basically stand by it.

    #855535 Reply

    I mean, she has an almost sociopathic lack of empathy. She’s upset he told people that she left him?!? What’s he supposed to do?

    Bob, where’s your wife?
    Derrr, I dunno?

    That’s a major life event for him. There’s not even a little empathy for how terrible a betrayal it must have been for him to have his wife leave him for some dude she met at a conference. Instead, she’s focused on how he didn’t suffer long enough alone and how he told other people about the terrible things she did to him.

    #855541 Reply

    Yeah BGM, you completely retracted the claws on this one. Valium? Mother’s little helper?

    Susan, you are focusing on all the wrong things. You behaved poorly. You treated your husband callously. Now you’re focusing all of your attention on one piece of information, and I think wrongfully, believing that once you have that piece of information, you’ll be able to successfully move on. But you haven’t solved the big problems that led to this. And you aren’t entitled to that information.

    Here you’re focused on one person giving you a label. And even that person treated you with basic respect, as did everyone else but I didn’t see a single perspective that gave you a pass or gave any indication that your demand of your husband is valid or worthy.

    Every time you try to justify your position we come back with the same answer – which you don’t like. I can’t speak for anyone else but you can’t change my perspective on this. You are not entitled to that information. There is nothing you are going to say that’s going to change my mind on this. I don’t think you’re a terrible person per se, but I do think you are selfish and you put a laser focus on things that don’t really matter to avoid having to deal with the things that do matter.

    #855542 Reply

    She’s not even just saying people are being mean, she’s saying they’re bullying her because their own lives suck and they’re trying to feel better about themselves.

    “ I think those of you who choose to bully and call names and basically come on here to talk crap because it somehow makes you feel better about your own life, are the worst.”

    That’s just not true. People are giving opinions based on what you wrote, Susan. You asked, they’re telling you. This is actually not about their lives at all, though I guess it makes YOU feel better to say that.

    #855548 Reply

    What you ask about is very telling.
    Not what can you do to re-earn your husband’s trust.

    Not what must you and husband do to improve problems you saw in your marriage.

    Not how can you help your husband put his psyche back together.

    You want to know how you can basically force him (no other way to put it, you’ve repeatedly asked and he’s said no) to reveal the name of the woman he dated after you cheated and left the marriage.

    You claim that as a basic right of decency, which you are owed to spare yourself social awkwardness.

    What about the other woman’s awkwardness, if she knows that you know her identity and see each other socially. What if she worries what you will say about her. She is innocent. She dated a man you cheated on and dropped. A man who was a free actor. You say you would never say anything to husband or this woman, but you have proven how recklessly impulsive you are.

    And, what about your husband? Has he met the man you had the affair with? Doesn’t he have an equal (greater, since you are the cheater who wants him back) right to meet and interact with the other man, just as you expect to know the identity of his ex, whom you expect to interact with?

    #855562 Reply
    Miss MJMiss MJ

    A real piece of work, this one.

    #855564 Reply

    I too sense an extreme lack of empathy on the part of the LW and a sheer unwillingness to look at what people are saying. It is very hard to take a critical look at oneself and this LW is adamantly refusing to do that. A lack of self-analysis will almost certainly destroy any chance this marriage has of lasting. I don’t see any way that this LW can put this marriage back together again. It will limp along for a year or two until she jumps at the next prospective partner and leaves her husband yet again.

    LW You almost certainly didn’t care what people thought in your small town when you dumped your husband for your affair partner. You probably assumed that everyone would see how superior the new guy was over the husband and agree that the husband was a dud. The husband was supposed to be too embarrassed or discreet to tell anyone what happened. Life doesn’t work that way. You spun something in your head and then it didn’t play out that way at all. Affairs rarely do play out as planned. The new guy was the dud and your husband wasn’t too embarrassed to tell people what you did. Now you live with it. Impulsive choices have consequences. You look bad and you will continue to look bad and if you walk around making the complaints that you make on here you will really look bad. You can assume that the things you are reading on here are exactly the things people are saying about you behind your back in real life. The people who post on here are not an unusual cross section of people.

    This is just real life. You impulsively chose to make a huge mess of yours and of course people will talk about it.

    #855568 Reply

    Cheating and lack of empathy aside, any marriage that is this unstable only TWO YEARS IN ought to just be put out of its misery. Two years into a lifetime partnership should still be the rosy honeymoon period when you are blissfully content together. Not coming apart at the seams and leaving your husband for some guy you just met. You haven’t been through jack shit in terms of life stress. If you’re that badly off before kids, illness, job loss (you know, better or worse, sickness and health, forsaking all others, etc – remember that?! Because it wasn’t too long ago that you heard those words) then pull the plug already!

    I hope you are using birth control and not still trying to have a baby. DO NOT bring a child into this mess.

    #855569 Reply

    Something to think about LW.

    “His over-the-top attachment to his mother and not helping me reinforce boundaries with her and our marriage”

    Surely you could see his over-the-top attachment to his mother before you got married, yet you went ahead with it anyway. Why? Really, ask yourself why you ignore red flags.

    Boundaries within the marriage were an issue and so you completely blew apart marital boundaries by having an affair. His lack of respect for boundaries by allowing his mother to have too much influence was nothing compared to your lack of respect for marital boundaries by bringing another man into the marriage. You must have assumed the affair partner would respect marital boundaries more than your husband and yet he was willing to have an affair with you. For your own future reference, guys who are willing to be your affair partner are guys who don’t respect marital boundaries. A man who respected marital boundaries would refuse to get involved in an affair. So you ignored a massive red flag with the affair partner.

    Ask yourself why you ignore red flags. Ask yourself why you make impulsive decisions. Ask yourself why you are so afraid to be alone. Ask yourself why you only pick partners who don’t respect marital boundaries and why you yourself also don’t respect those boundaries.

    If you want any happiness in life you are going to have to go deep within yourself and face your fears.

    #855588 Reply

    Skyblossom — well said.

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