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Hooked up with ex, now wondering what if?

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  • #907485 Reply
    avatarbmb13
    Participant

    This past weekend I ended up hooking up with an ex. I am currently married (yes I know it was a terrible mistake), but I feel like my marriage is lacking in intimacy and I almost feel like my husband and I have just become friends. That is obviously no excuse for what I did. He has no interest in sex, always makes excuses and is always gone. I’ve found myself pulling away from him for the past few months. Well I ended up spending the night with my ex and it was really good. He is aware I’m married and we were talking about relationships and why he hasn’t settled down yet and he said he’s been burned too much in the past, and then mentioned I had to go off and get engaged. I am not sure what that is meaning and I am constantly thinking about it? We previously had a long fling-type relationship, never truly dated, but I have always found myself wondering what if, throughout the years. A part of me feels like things happen for a reason and there is a reason why we aren’t together, but then the chemistry between us when we run into each other is intense. I’m just looking for advice in what to do in this situation.

    #907507 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    The right thing to do is address what’s going on in your marriage and determine whether it can be fixed. You should talk to your husband about how unhappy you are, and how he’s feeling. I don’t know whether or not you should come clean about your cheating, but probably. You might want to make an appointment with an individual therapist first to work through some stuff.

    This other guy is just a distraction. There is NOT any potential there for a relationship, regardless of what you think he’s telling you. This is an on-again off-again sexual thing and that’s it. Cut that off and focus on seeing if your marriage can be salvaged.

    #907683 Reply
    avatarron
    Guest

    It’s strange that the guy who stuck in your head, and whom you cheated on your husband with, is a guy you only had sex with for a while and never dated. It seems telling that he knew you were married, still had sex with you, and explained that he’s single because he’s been burned to often. I’d have guessed he was the burner more often than the burned and simply prefers not to have actual relationships. If you stick with this ex, don’t expect a relationship, although he’ll have sex with you as much as you want.

    It seems like you may not want a relationship either, and that your husband has recognized this vibe.

    Yes, your husband deserves to be told. Yes you should do therapy. Couples therapy? Is there anything to save in your marriage? You don’t write as though there is. You also don’t say how long you’ve been married. You have nothing positive to say about your husband or your marriage, so I think it is safe to conclude it is done and you should both move on, but in your case, not with this particular ex. He isn’t really even an ex, just a guy you had sex with in the past. That isn’t a relationship and you give no actual evidence that he wants a relationship with anyone.

    #907972 Reply
    avatarJimJam
    Guest

    I have been through a similar situation. I believe it is best to let go of the ex he’s not going to make the situation any better. You must seek help in order to work through your current relationship with your husband. It may come down to you rekindling the relationship or trashing it. Anyways how long have you been continuing the relationship?

    #907991 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    Just to be totally crystal clear, you getting engaged had absolutely nothing to do with why this ex fling never settled down. It’s just something he threw out there in response to your question, to deflect. There was never any interest in more than a fling. He apparently just finds it easy to blame women for his single status when asked, rather than admit the reality that he wants to be single, that’s why he has NSA flings and fucks married women. I get why your brain wants to go to “what if” right now, but no.

    #907995 Reply
    avataranonymousse
    Participant

    You absolutely need to figure out your marriage before you move on to another man.

    Your ex doesn’t sound like a viable option, considering he will sleep with you despite the fact that you’re married. His claim that he hasn’t settled down because he’s been burned before. Who hasn’t? That’s a lame excuse.

    Please, figure out your marriage and stop cheating on your husband until you are no longer married.

    #908013 Reply
    avatarbloodymediocrity
    Participant

    Echoing the others here” Forget about your ex – he’s proven time and time again he’s only good for one thing, and you got that last weekend.

    You need to address the intimacy issues in your marriage in some way. You need to get to the bottom of why your husband has lost interest interest in sex and what that means for the two of you. This could go a lot of different directions: You could end up rekindling your sex life, you could end up with some type of open marriage where you get your sexual needs met elsewhere and remain married, it could also end in divorce.

    I don’t necessarily believe that disclosure on the affair is required here, but you do have to let your husband know how unhappy you are with the lack of intimacy. Nothing will improve until that happens.

    #908277 Reply
    avatarAnge
    Guest

    Finally getting the sex and easy intimacy you’ve been lacking in your marriage makes it easy to think it must be something meaningful but it’s not. Sadly it’s just a fun little mind game your brain plays to bolster your self esteem and give you something to cling to. That guy isn’t going to be the thing that makes anything better, doing the hard work of sorting out your life and your marriage is.

    #908331 Reply
    avatarIWouldRatherNot
    Guest

    While seeking things through his shoes how would you feel if he was cheating on you?

    #908469 Reply
    avatarBritt
    Guest

    Dear IWouldRatherNot, I feel as though if I had been loyal to him and come to find out he was cheating I would be very upset. Tell him what you told Wendy: “I feel like my marriage is lacking in intimacy and I almost feel like my husband and I have just become friends

    #908497 Reply
    avatarJimJam
    Guest

    I would try not and focus on the mind games he is playing, he is feeding into your sadness and feeling of emptiness. You did however leave him the first time so there was a valid reason you must remember that in your process. This might be a situation in which you need to seek deeper involvement and have a therapist session. I know it may feel like they don’t understand your feelings and thinking that this might be an opportunity missed, but they can also talk you through your thinking

    #909015 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    Hey JimJam/Britt/iwouldrarhernot, you ok? Stick to one username and keep the conversations with yourself in your own head please.

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