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How can I be me again and trust my gf, without feeling any paranoia?

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This topic contains 19 replies, has 9 voices, and was last updated by avatar Donna 1 week, 4 days ago.

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  • #845093 Reply

    Me and my gf have been together for 6 and half years, since we were both 16. We have been both complete faithful over this period, however in the last year we weren’t as close. In this time whilst I was at work I do sleep ins my partner went out to her local. I said I would pick her up when she needed me to it got to 4 o’clock and she said she didnt now need a lift and she was sleeping at her best mates. She told me a week later she lied she stayed at a guys house with her mate and slept in a bed with another guy she says she was so drunk that she just fell asleep in there, she also told me she woke up with him cuddling and spooning her. I chose to forgive her. Then came 5 months later a similar thing happen on Christmas eve I was again at work she got really drunk because she saw a horrible ex. She told me that she flirted with a guy all night, kissed him on the neck and went back to her mates with him and they both fell asleep on the sofa. This time I was sure we couldnt be together after a couple weeks I decided to give it another go as she was beyond sorry. It’s been 4/5 months now and when she goes out I’m a wreck of a person and constantly thinking the worse I dont let her know that but I’m struggling to trust her now and dont know how I can get back to my normal self, I used to forget she went out that’s how must I trusted her. Any advice would be appreciated.

    #845096 Reply
    FireStar
    FireStar
    Participant

    Why dont you let her know? It is her actions that caused the lack of trust. It’s for her to fix. If she tell you get over it and her behaviour doesn’t change, then leave. You can’t be in a relationship if you don’t trust the other person. One time waking up, after a night out, in a stranger’s bed should have been a wake up call for her. That’s is not normal. Or safe. Going to his house was no easier than calling you to get her. But intentionally waking up in a stranger’s bed happens a fair bit if you intend to cheat. How many beds does she have to wake up in before it’s a wake up call for you?

    #845100 Reply
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    Poppy
    Member

    I call Bullshit on her end and she’s playing you like a fool. If she doesn’t recognize her behavior as inapproaite after the fact and continues to do this then you might want to think about breaking up and finding someone who has more respect for you. When I was her age I was doing the same shit she was doing but I was single and not when I was in a relationship. If she’s been with you since 16 yrs old what horrible ex could she be reminiscing on? Seriously. How deep could that relationship have been that she used it as a reason to get drunk and sleep with someone. You have to let her know that you no longer trust her and whether or not you want to continue to make it work.

    #845102 Reply
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    Logan

    Bro why you acting like this is the only girl left on earth? Like fuck you dated for almost 7 years, she is being unfaithful cause she’s bored of your ass, she’s been with you since 16 and never dated anyone else. I bet you any money she will soon fuck someone one of these days and you losing your mind over this is just plain stupid.

    Fucking leave the relationship in the dust for fuck sakes. I absolutely hate when people become so desperate for someone that treats them like shit and walks all over them like they are some kind of dog, wait no people actually treat their dogs better.

    You need to fucking stop trying to save this relationship, it’s done, I don’t care how long I have been with someone, once they cheat? It’s done, that is the ultimate betrayal any man or woman can be handed, you don’t do that to people you say you love. Would you do this to her? No right!!! Move on out and stop losing your shit for some cheating scum.

    You will soon become depressed, closed off, stressed the fuck out to the point you will start getting grey hair and balding and depending you might gain or lose weight. Just leave and block her number and on all social media platforms and start fresh and be a new you, go out have fun and mingle and dance and meet new ladies, lots of lovely ladies out there.

    #845103 Reply

    I hate to say this but it’s very, very likely there is more to the story.

    Regardless of that, the trust is gone.

    It’s sometimes very hard for people to break up with their first real partner even though they should, even though the relationship has run its course, even though they’ve started exploring outside their relationship.

    I’m sorry it’s come to this, but I think it’s probably time to break up.

    #845111 Reply
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    Jprince125125

    She didnt cheat she just stayed in the same bed? There was no kissing or sexual act that’s why I decided to move past it. We have plans for the future and I know she’s a good person she hates herself for it.

    #845112 Reply
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    LisforLeslie

    Dude, your totally enabling her. You’re making excuses for her. She hates herself but she went out and drank until she hit oblivion AGAIN. Guess what – she’s making decisions. She’s making the decision to drink and to drink too much. She’s making the decision to cheat on you. Unless she’s passed out, she knows she’s dating you when she kisses another guy – but at that point she doesn’t care. I don’t care if she’s drunk, she’s in control of her actions – she hasn’t walked up to stinky homeless dude and kissed him did she?

    If she remembers what she did – then she wasn’t blacking out – thus she’s making choices. If she’s blacking out – then she needs to stop drinking.

    #845114 Reply

    If she didn’t cheat or do anything wrong, why does she hate herself for it?

    If it wasn’t a thing she wouldn’t feel guilty. Don’t be foolish.

    #845115 Reply
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    Vathena

    So this has happened twice now, and she hasn’t changed anything. She continues to go out and get wasted with her friends, right? Obviously she doesn’t really “hate herself for it” if there have been no changes. It’s only a matter of time until she either cheats on you or gets into a bad situation with a bad guy who takes advantage of having an inebriated woman sleeping in his bed. Does she know that you are struggling to trust her? Have you communicated about this at all? If her reaction to you talking about your discomfort and lack of trust is to get defensive and shut you down, or to say that you’re crazy/jealous/insecure/controlling, then be very wary. SHE is the one who messed up – TWICE – and it’s on her to do the work to earn your trust back. If she does anything else at all shady (like not calling or coming home when she said she would, being secretive with her phone) that’s a good sign that she doesn’t care to earn your trust. It sounds to me like this relationship has run its course.

    (Also, is she seriously getting drunk because she saw some guy she dated at what, 14-15 years old, 8+ years later? WTF?)

    #845119 Reply
    Skyblossom
    Skyblossom
    Participant

    You aren’t going to get the trust back as long as she acts in an untrustworthy way. As long as she continues to act in the same way that she did before there is no reason for you to trust her. You shouldn’t trust her because you can’t. The odds are that she did more than just fall asleep in some guys bed. She’s cheating on you and she will continue to cheat on you. You need to end your relationship. The stress of continuing it will eat you alive while she continues to do as she pleases with no regard to how much you are hurting. If she loved you and cared about you she wouldn’t be ending up in bed with other men and she wouldn’t be flirting with them and she wouldn’t be kissing them. She is making decisions and your welfare isn’t a consideration when she makes them.

    You can’t make her be a better partner and you can’t force yourself to trust someone who is untrustworthy. What you can do is break up. You can control your life and you can set boundaries on how you will allow yourself to be treated. You need a boundary that says you won’t be cheated on. You need a boundary that says you will be treated with respect and dignity. Breaking up is standing up for yourself and saying you deserve respect and dignity and consideration. It will hurt at first but no more than the hurt of being treated as irrelevant by your girlfriend. Then it will hurt less and then you will get over it and be able to move on to a better relationship.

    #845121 Reply
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    Poppy
    Member

    What do you define cheating as? I would definitely say someone kissing on a guys neck cheating and going home and snuggling with them for a night cheating. I mean if you dont have a problem with any of it as cheating then why do you have trust issues with her? If this is all innocent behavior to you then whats the problem? My personal opinion is I wouldnt put up with someone who did this to me, that doesnt make me insecure, jealous, or controlling. Who snuggles with “random people” they just met, flirts with, and kisses on the neck while in a relationship? Assuming its not an open relationship.

    #845122 Reply
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    Poppy
    Member

    She hates herself because she knows what she did was wrong. If you had done the same thing you would be dick too. To trust her again means you have to 100% forgive her and move on. It means you cant throw it in her face. It means you have to sit down and set boundaries of what is and isnt okay to do. It means she would have to earn your trust back.

    • This reply was modified 1 week, 5 days ago by avatar Poppy.
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