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Dear Wendy

“How Can I Move On?”

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This topic contains 5 replies, has 3 voices, and was last updated by avatar Logan 1 month ago.

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  • #848331 Reply
    Dear Wendy
    Dear Wendy
    Keymaster

    From a LW:

    My partner and I were together for 6 years. We met young (18) and fell head over heels. I remember we use to sleep in a car just so we would have to be apart.
    But I moved away for Uni and things got rocky. We stuck it out but in the end he ended it after about 2 ½ years. I really understood why and although it broke me I put myself together and moved on.
    After about 2 months he came around begging me back and I accepted.
    We were so strong after that mad made real positive changes. I ended up moving back following me finishing uni and we moved in together.
    The relationship was almost perfect up until a year ago. He got a new job and in with the wrong crowd. He started partying and doing drugs. Staying out all night on gear. We would argue about it as it wasn’t appropoiate.
    It was like he couldn’t help himself. I tried to join in to keep us together. One night I ended up in really bad pain with my kidneys and needed to go to the hospital. He was too tired for being up all night that I had to drive myself.
    I ended up having an op and he would come and see me after work except one Saturday rather than seeing me (2 days post op and just out of intensive care) he went out all night partying. Didn’t turn up on the Sunday and although I was facing another op on the Monday sent a text to wish me well.
    I was a fool, he continued like this partying, but I was clinging on to what we had.
    Anyway, his regular boys weekend comes around and I find out him and 2 others were the only ones going for the full time (everyone else was only going for a night) didn’t bring his charger and didn’t communicate. I lost it.
    He came back a different person.
    He asked for space and ended it.

    I have been devastated – I am almost 4 weeks post break up and have moved out. His friends say he’s in the pub constantly continuing to party almost daily.
    They say how he is miserable and has changed. I text him to cancel the holiday we had booked, and he asked if someone could buy me out. I know he’s been sleeping around but was initially really angry.
    Today I messaged him to do what he wanted as I was so tired of it all.
    I ended up talking about what happened to him, he didn’t want to go into it and swears he never cheated.
    He just said he didn’t see a future because of me kicking off about his partying and doesn’t want to be with me.
    I said I didn’t want to be with him as he is now either – which is true. He doesn’t know I had a miscarriage following the breakup and don’t want to tell him as I don’t see the point.

    Why can’t he see its his actions what has caused this and is determined to blame me?
    Why can’t he realise he has thrown away the best thing he ever had and is ruining his life?

    I had been holding out hope for him to wake up but today has shown me he really has flipped a switch in his head.
    He has fallen out with his mum, is constantly rude, miserable or high and drunk by all accounts.

    Now I just want to move on I think – I just really don’t know how.
    I have joined new activities, lost 3 stone, deleted him and our photos of social media, deleted his number as of today, hid my last seen on what’s app so even if I had his number I cant see when he is online asked his family whom im close with for space whilst I heal but I still cant seem to just let go.
    It just hurts so bad.

    #848334 Reply
    avatar
    FYI

    Go to Al-Anon.

    Invest all this energy into your great new life without an alcoholic / drug addict. You’ll be amazed.

    Going no contact was your best move. After you get through the “withdrawal” period from this guy, your head will clear (if you maintain no contact), and you’ll see how great your life is without a loser in it. Sorry, but yes he’s acting like a total loser. You can do better.

    #848342 Reply
    Skyblossom
    Skyblossom
    Participant

    He became an addict and addicts choose their drug over their partner and their family. This will be his life and you are lucky to be out of it. Things will only get worse for him. You are escaping all of that drama that goes with addiction.

    It hurts because you loved him. It will slowly get easier. At some point you will be glad you aren’t with him.

    #848344 Reply
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    Helen

    He’s an addict. Let’s stop calling it partying. Addicts love to downplay their addiction problem by calling it partying (I’m a recovering addict) You’re doing all the right things. Keep up with the no contact and the hurt will fade. You can’t save him and you don’t want to be around when he starts getting arrested and involved in accidents. You said that you joined in with him in order to control his drug use. Girl no. Don’t risk developing your own problem for some loser. Count yourself lucky for getting out when you did. Go to Al-anon for a few meetings. You’ll learn a lot

    #848347 Reply
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    Vathena

    Breakups hurt, even when you KNOW it’s the right thing. Just because it hurts doesn’t mean it wasn’t the absolute best and right thing for you to do. It probably doesn’t feel like it now, but compared to many LWs, you are actually doing great so far! You have deleted and blocked him and are keeping your distance from his family and friends. You are involved in new activities (and hopefully spending time with friends?) That is GREAT. It has only been 4 weeks. Healing and moving on doesn’t happen overnight. Stay no-contact, and give it time, and I agree with FYI – once you’ve “detoxed” from your ex, you will feel so much freer. One day, sooner than you think, you’ll wake up and get through the day without thinking about him at all.

    #848375 Reply
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    Logan

    He partied while you where getting an operation and what not and barely came to see you, he turned into this partying drug addict. Why are you Holding on to all the good times? They have all been replaced by his drug fueled partying and you are hoping that he will change back and you can start where you left off? Keep dreaming.

    Why do you even want to be with him when he isn’t who he used to be, that guy he used to be is gone and not coming back, MOA and go to therapy cause you need it if you can’t see that he is not good for you at all and that you deserve better.

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