“How Can I Reignite the Spark with My Wife?”
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From a LW:
“I am a father of 3 and have been with my partner for over 10 years. Things went well for the first 7 or 8 years then things started getting slow in the bedroom. She was having hormone issues so I gave her space and wasn’t pushy. We are both great parents to our kids and never fight. Last week she told me she was thinking of getting her own place and wanted to know my opinion. I said make me a list of pros and cons and we’d go from there. I love her lots and have no pros but a laundry list of cons for her moving out. Her list was weak but what I did get from it was she was bored and has no friends (most have moved away over the years since we met) and NO mom friends. Also, her last 2 romantic relationships were with women. She said she loves me lots but the passion isn’t there anymore because it isn’t new and exciting anymore. She wants to explore the options of an open relationship or something.
I said I honestly wasn’t sure and def not ok with her being with another guy but maybe another girl because idk if I could fill the “needs she had there.” She said she really had no interest in another guy.
Well, I have been working and going to school and trying to be super dad so our relationship has not been a big priority. Since then, I have tried to make big changes to fix me and be a better lover and partner. I got a haircut, decided I’m going to get a few tattoos I wanted anyway (see if that makes it a bit more exciting) and grow my beard out more. Also this week I have been working out and eating better I am making better life choices to better myself.
I also found her a friend with kids who is near her age. They haven’t hung out yet but she was cool when I use to know her and she’s local. I have been helping her with stuff around the house, been taking more interest in stuff she’s doing and looking for ideas for how to fulfill her emotional needs. I tried to set up a surprise date the other night but she was sick so I rescheduled our babysitter for next week. I got excited today and told her my plans for having a date night once a month and was devastated when she only said “we can see how that goes.” Idk – I am trying my best to do what I can to reignite something. Do you have any advice for things I could do or focus on?
I love her a lot and still find her beautiful. Any advice to help save my relationship will be very much appreciated.”
I’m so sorry… The big problem here is that she’s got one foot out the door already and isn’t working with you at all. She’s said she wants to leave and explore other relationships. She is done. It would be different if she came to you as a partner and said look, I am feeling terribly unhappy, and I want to figure out how to fix it so we can move forward and be together and both be happy. And if you talked together and figured out the problems, or maybe with a therapist, right, or maybe she does therapy on her own, and you work on solutions together, like these are the things we’re going to do to fix this.
But that’s not the situation. You’re doing everything you can think of right now to try and fix what’s wrong, but you don’t really even know what’s wrong and you can’t fix it on your own. There’s not real communication going on here. I would recommend you go see a therapist on your own and figure out strategies to move through this next phase. You need to start communicating effectively and probably let her go. And figure out a way to co-parent effectively.
Again, I’m really sorry, but when a woman gets to this point, she’s done. It doesn’t sound like anything you did wrong, she just needs to figure her shit out. The way she’s handling this is bad.
I agree with Kate. And it’s over.
If you had written us months ago, I would have suggested spending more time with her, really listening to her and making an effort with her, going to counseling, making date nights a regular thing.
What you have done is: get a haircut, book some tattoos and work out and eat well for a week. You booked a date and did some chores around the house. How is that going to help your marriage? How does that make her feel closer to you? You are focusing on you, and it seems you’ve just come to the realization that she’s checked out.
Stop the quick makeover and actually tell her how you feel and maybe consider counseling. But I think it sounds like she is done.
Yeah, as others have said, she’s just done with this marriage. It also strikes me as odd that she wants to move out, at least in part, because she’s bored and has no friends. Moving out doesn’t fix that. And it’s 100% not YOUR job to help her find friends, or even to make her life exciting.
I can say from experience that opening up your marriage will NOT make anything better, at least not for you. Open marriages only work when the marriage is healthy and strong. Bringing additional people into an already damaged relationship is a recipe for that relationship to fail. If she wants to date other people, she should do it as a single person and allow you to heal and move on without her.
I’m sorry, it sucks, but it really sounds like she’s made up her mind and is just trying to act like she’s still trying to hold onto the marriage even though she’s done with it.
