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Dear Wendy

How can I stop being attracted to men?

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  • #1097082 Reply

    I’ve always been attracted to men sexually. Until two years ago, I didn’t even consider myself anything other than a straight woman. I slept, however, with my best friend who happens to be a female and everything changed for me. One thing led to another and we got into a relationship.

    At first, I didn’t think I was ready for a relationship at the time. I was very consumed trying to wrap my head around the fact that I had a sexual encounter with a female and what it means for who I am. In many ways, I’m still figuring and sorting out myself. But she was my best friend and she needed more. She thought we should just end the friendship because she couldn’t get back to being platonic friends. She told me she always carried a huge torch for me. I didn’t want to lose her or our friendship and we’ve been together for two years now.

    It’s been good for the most part. Being with your best friend is liberating in many ways. I know I’m with someone who understands me and loves me. I love her too with all my heart. Our sex life also has been very good. She taught me a lot and I enjoy every minute of it.

    So what’s the problem? This will sound a bit selfish and slutty on my part but I can’t stop myself from not wanting men sexually. I crave men. I really do. But I never cheated. My gf, she knows that it’s been a tough transition for me and that a small part of me will always miss my days as a straight woman but I don’t think she realizes how big a struggle this has been, and continue to be, for me.

    I really wish I could wire my brain to become a full on lesbian

    #1097086 Reply

    So you are bi-sexual then? Nothing wrong with that, but it sounds like your relationship needs to be addressed first. I am hesitant to say you are happy in your relationship based on your post, as you say the relationship was rushed, especially given it was with the first and only woman you have slept with and been in a relationship. As well as you stating that ‘it has been good for the most part.’

    This sounds like you need some serious reflection on your end about your own sexuality and what you need in and outside a relationship, as well as the relationship you are currently in.

    Some people do explore outside the relationship (ethical non-monogamy) but that doesn’t solve relationship problems, it can be pursued if both partners are stable, committed and open to the idea.

    #1097088 Reply

    Stop referring to yourself as “slutty” – I have no experience with being attracted to the same gender, however, I do believe that some individuals can be curious or involved in the actual varied experiences of sexual behaviors.

    As long as the individuals are of consensual ages and never tricked or coerced, I would think exploring until you are content is not wrong. Can it be something you desire and now you must learn to live with your choice without guilt – your first experience might not be your last – instead of “cheating” be a brave person and step away from it all to gain clarity in “who you are, what you need and make a decision.”

    #1097119 Reply
    Guy Friday

    To be clear, there is a difference between monogamy and attraction. I’m attracted to women, not men, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to cheat on my wife with another woman. I guess I’m a little confused why it’s so important who you’re ATTRACTED to as opposed to who you’re LOYAL to, since I’m not sure it’s all that relevant if you cheat on your significant other with a man, a woman, or a potted plant if you’re cheating; it either or is or isn’t a betrayal regardless of the gender of the other party.

    #1097148 Reply

    Yes, even if you are happy in your monogamous relationship, you will still be attracted to other people. If you are happy in and value your relationship, you won’t feel drawn to act on that attraction. Your question is a non-starter. You were attracted to and dated men almost your entire adult life. That attraction isn’t going to go away. The only change is you now may find yourself attracted to very attractive women who are not your partner. Nothing wrong with finding other people attractive. Don’t cheat, but don’t beat yourself up over feeling an attraction. Conversion therapy is unethical as a way to turn gays into straights. It also doesn’t work. It causes damage. It is no more ethical to have a similar therapy to kill your straight side. All of those bi-attractions are a part of you and you will have to learn to live with them. First step — decide if your current partner is right for you. Second step — therapy to figure out how to unguiltily deal with normal attractions to people who aren’t your current partner.

    #1097150 Reply

    You can’t stop being attracted to people or an entire sex of people you’re attracted to. I think it’s time to slow down and really think about what you want and need.

    #1097151 Reply

    I don’t understand why you feel the need to stop being attracted to men. Do you also feel the need to stop being attracted to other women besides your partner? Or are you specifically missing having sexual relations with men?

    #1097240 Reply

    It could just be the wording but what I got here was OP wasn’t attracted to women at all but loved her best friend who was romantically interested so they slept together because her friend “needed more” and then her friend (now gf) couldn’t go back to a platonic relationship and OP didn’t want to lose her so now they are in a relationship but OP is still interested in men. OP are you attracted to ANY women other than your gf? Was sleeping together a mutual decision or an unplanned hook up? Are you attracted to your gf physically outside of the love you feel for her emotionally? Plenty of women sleep with their male best friends to keep them. Are you sure this relationship is actually what you want? I get like if the genders were reversed and you were a lesbian who’s male best friend pulled a “chasing Amy” on her the comments
    would say he was manipulative and I think personally think your gf kinda manipulated you.

    #1097273 Reply

    At age 39, I recently admitted to myself that I am, in fact, bisexual. I always kind of knew and lately, it just seemed silly to think of myself any other way. How does this change my day-to-day life? Not much, really. For now at least. Why? Because I’m in a long-term monogamous relationship with a man I hope to be with the rest of my life. If the relationship ends, then I have some areas I should definitely explore, but for now, I’m content with him and content with the fact that I am attracted to both men and women. Being attracted doesn’t mean I’ll cheat. I could never do that to him. It just means I can be attracted physically to both Michael Fassbender and Audrey Plaza. I mean, I doubt I’ll ever have the opportunity to have sex with either of them, but the mind can certainly explore.

    #1097756 Reply

    Are you genuinely attracted to your female friend? Or did you just fall into a relationship that you now find sexually unfulfilling?

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