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Dear Wendy

How can I trust him again ?

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  • #858123 Reply

    Hey everyone! Never really shared anything like this online. But something that happened in the past still bothers me and I need an advice or someone’s opinion. It’s a long story, cause I’m not sure if the details in this case matter…

    I’m 24. Married, have a son, and pregnant with the second child. My husband and I have been together for at least 3 years. We met online. Back then I was studying in a different country. And we both are from different countries. So we’ve been talking online for few months. We fell in love and got to know each other so well through very short period of time. He decided to visit me and even stay with me. Which I’m still grateful for, cause otherwise we wouldn’t be together today. Long distance relationship just doesn’t work for me.

    He never was trying to hide anything from me. I always had access to his phone and etc. He’s a very friendly and talkative person. Sometimes I think even too friendly… He’s 9 years older than me. Because of the age difference between us I always believed he could easily manipulate me or convince me in a lot of things. He has a lot of experience with people and etc. I always knew he has a lot of friends. Most of them are female. He told me he always had a lot of female friends, he is just good with women and he is very good at giving advices and helping them with their relationship… And it always bothered me. I told him about it. He said it shouldn’t bother me and etc. And he always told me that he will never cheat on me and etc.
    He’s the kind of a person who’s always trying to make new friends and keep good relationship with old ones. Even with his ex partners. I never really understood it to be honest. He says you never know when you would need someone’s help and etc. And it’s all about experience and etc.
    Anyways, he started talking to some girl and ofc he told me about her. I never really thought anything bad about it and never suspected anything. So I didn’t really paid enough attention… My husband claims that he never lies to me… To be honest I don’t know what to believe anymore, but back then I always trusted him.
    It all started with him asking me if I ever wanted to try threesome… I said that I don’t know. And he was joking that that girl he’s talking to could be the third person… With him saying that how can I not think that he likes her or he’s attracted to her since he considers her to join us in the bedroom ? Then I got suspicious… He even told me that she sent him her naked pictures. And I told him it’s not ok and why would she even do that if she knows that he’s not single? He kept telling stuff like she wanted to show what she sends to the guys she’s talking to and she wants to know his opinion… Really?!
    That’s when I lost the trust in him. I went through his phone and saw the conversations and I didn’t like it.. to be honest I already don’t remember what I saw there, like what they were talking about…
    He promised me he’s not gonna talk to her again. Few months later I found a file on his laptop that needs to be unzipped or how to say for you to be able to see what’s in it. I got curious. And found that girl’s naked pictures and videos in it. I started going through his phone again. Found conversations, calls, video calls with her… After he promised not to talk to her again. This all was happening while I was pregnant… I tried to talk to him. He was freaking out that I was going through his phone and etc… But what do you expect after betraying and disrespecting your partner? Also later I found out that during one of these video calls he showed her his dick…
    We were arguing a lot about it… Last time we talked about it he asked me to not bring it up again. But it still bothers me. He apologized for what he did. But it almost like I squeezed those apologies from him. Can not feel relieved. I don’t think in reality he regrets or feels bad for what he did. I tried to explain to him how much he hurt me, but for him it almost like it’s all my fault, cause I broke his privacy and went through his phone and etc. I don’t know… One of the reasons it still bothers me cause I keep thinking what if he’s talking to her again, or he talks to other girls, flirting with them and etc. I never really saw it as cheating, but lately I’m realizing that it was cheating. He betrayed me, my trust in him, and disrespected me… What is cheating for you? How do you define it?
    I hate when he says things like I will never cheat on you and how loayl he’s to me. But he already did… I know it wasn’t physical cheating, but still hurts a lot…
    Although he promised me he is not gonna talk like this to anyone again and etc. But how do I know for sure ? How can I trust him again? The problem is he just wouldn’t even try to see it my way…. For him he didn’t do anything bad, at least that’s how he shows it…
    I don’t know what to do… Cause I can’t talk to him about it anymore again. He asked not to bring it up again and I agreed on it. Things between us have been good lately, we’re expecting the second child. And I just don’t wanna start all this arguing again. And I’m trying my best to forget about all this, but I can’t… Every now and then it just comes to my mind and bothers me…

    #858139 Reply

    Of course it bothers you! He cheated on you while you were pregnant and just expects you to forget it!?

    Please, stand up for yourself. Do not allow him manipulate you into “forgetting” this. You snooping is not half as bad as what he did. I don’t think snooping is cool, but you’re married and you knew something was wrong.

    You can’t just not talk about it and expect it to get better. And it’s not like he felt guilty and came clean- you found the texts, the pictures, the videos. He did cheat on you, and yeah, it’s totally possible he’s doing it with others or will.

    Do not agree to just not talk about it again. He needs to do work to regain your trust. You don’t have to stop bringing it up. He should give you free access to his phone and email. He needs to delete all those files he has. This is the minimum expectation for what he should do.

    I don’t know how you can trust again, when this is how far he went. You should require couples counseling. If he won’t agree to that, I don’t think your relationship has much hope as a monogamous one. I’m sorry this has happened to you. He’s not doing enough to make this better and that’s not your fault. He sucks.

    #858142 Reply

    Of course you don’t trust him. He lied, probably more than once. You’re not supposed to trust liars.

    Get some therapy so you can work on your self-worth and plan an exit. Sorry.

    #858155 Reply

    Based on what you wrote, I think you need to look for divorce. Basically your husband cheats on you, wipes it up and expects it to be forgotten like nothing. Wtf? If I believed in monogamy, I would expect him, at least, to come crying and bending his knees, pleading for forgiveness and shouting like crazy not to leave him.

    Ok. Maybe that was a radical example. But come on. You can aspire for something better.

    #858239 Reply

    This is who he is. He is a man who cheats on his wife and doesn’t feel bad about it and his only issue with it is that you caught him. He shifts the blame to you for looking at his phone and computer rather than accepting the blame for cheating. His apology wasn’t sincere. That’s who he is. A guy who cheats and has no remorse.

    The problem with a long distance relationship with a stranger is that you don’t know them. They can present themselves as someone who is totally different than who they really are and you have no way to see that they are lying. You ended up marry a stranger who presented himself in a way that wasn’t true. For the future make sure you know someone for at least several years, in person, before getting engaged.

    This relationship is probably beyond saving. Your choices are to live with him knowing that he cheats and that’s the way it will be or getting a divorce. I hope you aren’t trapped into the first choice. I hope you aren’t stuck with him for life because you will never be able to trust him. He isn’t trustworthy. He lies and he cheats.

    If you can you should talk to a lawyer. Find out your rights for where you live. What can you expect if you get divorced. Could he take your kids away so that you never saw them? Could you expect financial support for your kids? For yourself?

    #858256 Reply

    LW, you think he is more experienced, but I garantee you that he is a very immature husband. Believe in yourself, in your own rights. Go to an attorney to take information about divorce. Information is key. GO through your finances and copy everything, create your own account if you haven’t. And tell him that your couple’s therapy starts on x day. It is this or you divorce.
    Enough with his domineering attitude when he acts like a douche.

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