How could I let it go?

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  • Julie
    May 12, 2023 at 7:34 am #1120318

    Almost 10 years ago I met a guy who was 27, I was 19. It was out of the blue and I would have never even thought that after 10 years I would be devastated to forget him. Long story short, he always wanted us to get together, his intentions were pure, I could see it in his eyes, he was different. I was young, inexperienced, I tried to push away the feeling I did not even know what was exactly. We dated for a few months but then I told him this would not work. We had a wonderful time together, with long walks, talks, dinners, summer holidays. We never slept together, only kissed. He never forced it. Then came a few years pause when I started to feel bitter and that I was unfair with him. I learned from our mutual friends that he had a girlfriend, but only for a few months. I sent him an SMS and a date and that if there is a last chance after last chance, let us meet. He broke up and showed up 200km away… then he wanted to start again, or at least try. For some reason I ended things again. 4 years passed. Then one day in summer there was a concert. He already had a girlfriend for 3 years but when he saw me he grabbed the girl and rushed away in the opposite direction. Our mutual friend said I would always be a spot in his life, that is why he reacted that way. A few hours later he turned back, saw me and slurped all the wine in his glass at once with widened eyes. Summer passed, but not a day without me thinking about him and the what if’s… On his birthday we happened to show up at the same place he celebrated with his friends, and since I was with our mutual friend, we joined them. We talked for hours and it was like only the two of us were in the room. Then he suddenly just ignored me and left the place, then blocked me from every social media platform. I was devastated, I hoped for an even friendship at least, after all that happened. Then in a few weeks our mutual friend texted me that they are at the same bar and that he asked where I was. I joined them and we talked again like nothing happened. He called a taxi and we went to a party, but since we wanted to talk, we left after a few minutes. It was winter time, cold, but we walked and talked for like an hour. Both of us were in a relationship by that time. He admitted he felt the same way but still unsure, and needs some assurance if I think us to be serious. We met after that like 2 times then he invited me to his party in a few months. I did not go and he texted me “Wishing you much happiness” then that is the end. After this I contacted him last summer and we met again, he said he still feels the same and that our flame never seems to go out, but I said I will not do anything until we are still in a relationship. He said let us just meet and talk, he wants to see me. I did not show up because I did not feel he was honest. He called me, we talked for 1 hour then he said he never wants to hear from me again because I did not want to meet. He blocked me again. I wished him happy birthday and merry Christmas, no answer. Then first time after summer we met in February at the same bar. They were leaving when he saw me, and literally stepped back a few steps to make sure he saw me. He seemed surprise. A week later at the same bar he saw my boyfriend and looked at him for like 2 minutes. A week ago I realized he unblocked me on Instagram, and I feel like I miss him very much. I always wanted us to be friends, but he said friendship is not what he wants. If only I could talk to him one more time…What could I do to forget? It has been a hell to me since our last talk….

    Part-time Lurker
    May 12, 2023 at 8:07 am #1120319

    Lord girl. You are 29 years old, let this shit go.

    May 12, 2023 at 8:22 am #1120320

    Yeah, it’s time to put Mr. Confusing Ass back in the history books of your “crushes that will never work out.” You may want to see a therapist because your attachment to someone who keeps dropping you like a hot potato is troubling to me, at your age.

    May 12, 2023 at 8:42 am #1120326

    But it was me, who dropped him all the time…

    Avatar photo
    May 12, 2023 at 9:21 am #1120327

    I’m going to ignore the fact that a 27-year-old dating a 19-year-old is a creep in my response, but FYI, that’s a major red flag.

    I’m not totally sure I followed this, but it sounds like you dated this guy briefly at 19 and again briefly a few years later, and have since been friendly when you’ve run into each other over the years. You’ve even gone so far as to tell one another in recent-ish years that you wish you were still together while both of you have been with other people (SUPER unfair to your partners, btw). It sounds like this is someone who should stay blocked. You have your reality of your current life, which I assume is imperfect as real life tends to be… buuut you’ve built a fantasy around a man you care(d) about. You need to learn to drop the fantasy. It’s stopping you from enjoying the life you actually do have.

    I think it’s fine and normal to remember the people you’ve dated who made an impact on you with fondness and love. I know I have a special place in my heart for some of the men from my past, even one I only dated for ~6 months. And yeah, I guess maybe in theory things could’ve worked out with them if one or two things had been different. But things unfolded as they did at the time for valid reasons. But they’re not my reality.

    Therapy would be a good move for you. You can unpack the past and maybe figure out how to make your reality one you enjoy enough that you don’t spend this much time wrapped up in the fantasy of what could’ve been with some sketchy guy.

    May 12, 2023 at 11:56 am #1120337

    I pulled these quotes from your text:

    “He already had a girlfriend for 3 years but when he saw me he grabbed the girl and rushed away in the opposite direction.”

    “Then he suddenly just ignored me and left the place, then blocked me from every social media platform. I was devastated”

    “He called me, we talked for 1 hour then he said he never wants to hear from me again because I did not want to meet. He blocked me again.”

    And yes, a 27 year old dating a teen IS creepy. He’s weird. Block him and move on with your life. It’s been a decade, this is a waste of time and emotional energy.

    May 12, 2023 at 1:04 pm #1120340

    If this was going to develop into anything, it would have happened already. Neither of you seem able of committing to even properly dating. Move on. Move on. Move on….

    May 12, 2023 at 11:01 pm #1120346

    I think sometimes, for reasons we’re unsure, two people have a chemistry that makes them act very irrationally, and that seems to be going on here. This is Schrodinger’s boyfriend. You simultaneously want and don’t want him.

    It seems to be you want him to want you, but don’t actually want him. That’s what your actions are saying at least. This is probably worth exploring in therapy.

    Leave the poor guy alone, if not for your sake, than his.

    May 13, 2023 at 6:55 am #1120350

    You said it yourself somewhere in there, it’s the “what-ifs.” Since you two never gave it a real shot (your gut told you not to and that’s totally valid and right), you’re left with the probably false impression of all this potential that may be there. And the exciting feeling of oh, it can’t be, because he has a girlfriend or I have a boyfriend or whatever. It’s like a rush or a dopamine hit. You enjoy the feeling of how into you this guy is. You don’t want to be with him, but you want to talk to him because the drama of it feels good.

    But Jesus, this guy is 36 or 37, he needs to grow up. He seems very immature and incapable of having a lasting relationship, and that’s probably why much younger women appeal to him. Maybe he’s not even into women but wants to be. I would really just try to get it through your head that there is actually nothing here for you, and stop engaging.

    May 13, 2023 at 9:57 am #1120353

    Schrödinger’s boyfriend! You’re killing me, BM. So good and accurate.
    And yes, wow, think that he’s my age messing around with you still a decade later…this guy has issues, you do, too but he’s not the answer. He really isn’t.

    Or, if you want to give it a go, just so you know for sure- give it a real try but don’t be surprised when it all goes tits up. It will likely end in pain for you, and he’ll just keep on fucking away with young ladies’ heads.

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How could I let it go?

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