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How Do I Fix My Relationship When I Am The Problem

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This topic contains 17 replies, has 7 voices, and was last updated by avatar LisforLeslie 5 months, 1 week ago.

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  • #752581 Reply
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    Al

    I don’t know how to start this. But I’d like to start by saying, I’m not looking for a sympathy or a pity party. I’m at loss on how to fix things and if they can be fixed, or should be fixed.

    I’ll keep things short. There’s so much shit but I’ll write what’s on my mind.
    I’ve been going to therapy the last month and a half, and it’s been helping a bit. I don’t know how to move on and be proactive. I want to change so much.

    I’ve cause a major amount of insecurity and hurt on my girlfriend. That’s the hardest of all of this.
    Things started to spiral and wounds got open when my girlfriend (now ex) found out I cheated. I tried to have sex with an old fling, and while I didn’t sleep with her one time, I tried to go back three times. While going through my text, she saw my conversation with the old fling and conversation with a close guy friend of mine. They were very revealing. I talked about private things about her, I talked about wanting to have sex with other girls. It was a lot, and has been a lot for her emotionally.
    This was back in late March when this happened and after she’s been vocal about the many issues in our relationship and issues with me. I’ve tried to be mindful of all of it. I’ve tried to understand how deep a lot of things are. I have no excuse for my behavior, many of this I know is toxic and shouldn’t have done to anybody. I don’t want this to be my personality, I did a lot of things unconsciously. I never wanted to hurt anybody. I realize that hurting people around you doesn’t mean you care or love them. It’s hard to say it but I really do love my girlfriend, and all the people around me. I wish my personality wasn’t shit.

    Another person who has been critical of my behavior is my sister. The lying and zero trust with her got so bad she told me I can’t be around my nephew.

    My girlfriend has been critical off all these things, many have gone unchecked. I understand a lot of issues, the big ones are my problems/because of me.
    After the cheating, a lot of doubt came into what our relationship was. Things like I told my girlfriend I wanted to be patient with sex, but I looked for sex with this other person. Since it was somebody from my past (somebody that I made a big lie up about a year ago) it is like I wanted to be with the girl. It’s a long story of how she approached me, but the old fling texted me after almost a year of not speaking talkin about why (surgery/depression) I thought I could still speak with her on a friendly basis and catch up. I never wanted to leave my girlfriend, but that’s her view on the situation. I didn’t have sex with the girl, but since I’ve lost all trust… it’s believed that I did.

    1) I am a pathological liar. My lying, big and small began about two-three years ago. I would lie to my girl friend about small things like washing my hands and I would lie about big things such as making up whole stories that didn’t happen the way they did. I would exclude details about things and even when I was asked the truth, I would deny deny and deny it. This broke all the trust.

    2) Manipulative and emotionally manipulative. Throughout my relationships with her, I was never really clear about how I felt. I am a very passive person. While it’s hard for me to communicate how I feel about things, I don’t always verbally let people know. I would tell her “I never get angry with you” and “you’re wrong, I’m not mad”. I understand now how much that fucks with somebody. I never did it with intentions to control things, I just could never communicate things. My ex-gf, often tells

    I’ve been going to therapy and have been trying to be mindful to my lying. I lied very deeply about the details of the cheating. There are things I am telling the truth about now that are going unbelieved. This goes with my ex and my own sister.

    I don’t know what to do anymore. I want to give my girlfriend the space she needs to move on and grow from this relationship. I want my sister to trust me again. I want both of them in my life so much and I want to fix other relationships that have been less affected by my behavior. I really want to be healthy for the people around me.

    Tl;dr:
    I am the problem in the relationships I value with people I love. I’ve spoiled it with my pathological lying, and emotionally and manipulative personality.
    I want to fix myself and fix my relationships.

    #752582 Reply
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    keyblade
    Member

    Have you figured out why you lie? My advice is to leave your poor ex and other women who no longer wish to be around you alone. Use your suffering to motivate yourself to endure real change even if you don’t think it’s truly possible; you might as well try while you’re alive.

    #752583 Reply
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    ron

    I think it best for everybody’s sake that you stay broken up with your gf. Like people in the early stages of a 10-step program of recovery from an addiction, you should not be in a relationship now or in the near future.

    #752584 Reply
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    ron

    I sent too quickly. Wait half a year before dating anybody. In that time, continue therapy, focus on yourself, and don’t tell any lies. Practice truth-telling in interactions with your male friends and then with your sister. You need to make truth-telling an ingrained habit, which means you need to do it repeatedly and you need to do it when then next embarrassing/tense/potentially negative consequences situation arises. You need to create the habit of treating other people well, owning your own actions, and not lying too or otherwise trying to manipulate others.

    Your ex has had more than enough of your bad behavior. You should be done with her forever. That is the kind thing to do.

    #752585 Reply
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    anonymousse
    Member

    How’s your therapy going?

    #752586 Reply
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    Al

    It’s been going well. It’s really hard for me to express my emotions and how I feel about things.

    #752587 Reply
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    anonymousse
    Member

    You can’t fix this relationship. You know that you are the problem, so that is what you need to focus on-fixing yourself. It’s not fair to your gf or anyone else to be subjected to your behavior. You aren’t ready to be in a relationship right now.

    As for your sister, apologize, ask her what you can do to make this better, and be honest. If you have not been given suggestions on what to do from your therapist, ask.

    #752588 Reply
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    dinoceros
    Member

    Let your ex move on and don’t date until you’ve gotten your stuff sorted out. It’s very unfair to date someone (and thus lead them to believe that you are someone they can trust) otherwise. As for your sister, there’s no reason for her to trust you until you become someone who can be trusted. Just work on yourself and hopefully if you get it figured out, then your sister will see the change in you.

    #752589 Reply
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    Fyodor

    I think that Ron’s comparison to 12 step programs is a good one. You will be more successful at working out your problems without the turbulence of a serious romantic relationship massively straining you emotionally. Take plenty of time. Acknowledge your last relationship as a fully sunk cost. Work on yourself for a while.

    #752592 Reply
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    golfer.gal

    You need to leave your (ex?) girlfriend alone. A few weeks of therapy is not enough to make the serious changes you need to before you would be ready for a relationship, and there is no coming back from what you put her through anyway. Stick with the therapy and get a solid diagnosis and treatment. The kinds of issues you are describing are often difficult to treat and you have to be really, fully invested in making yourself better. Specialized treatment might be necessary, like DBT if your diagnosis is borderline personality disorder or another cluster B disorder (which from your description sounds like a real possibility). I wouldn’t be focusing at all on getting her or your sister back in your life at this point, at all. It’s time to focus on yourself and fixing these issues first, and then building a track record of good behavior. It is selfish to want them back on your terms right now. Give them the best gift you can by loving them from afar right now and working on getting better so you don’t treat future people in your life the same way.

    #752593 Reply
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    keyblade
    Member

    Golfer.gal- that’s pretty good advice. It didn’t occur to me he might have a borderline personality disorder. I was honestly thinking more avoidance-attachment style. It definitely sounds like it’s going to take a long time and a lot of work to have authentic relationships, especially with women. Honestly, I think this letter writer does sound self-pitying. He doesn’t sound like he is motivated by the suffering of people around him, but rather losing their attachment to him. It sounds like he just generally doesn’t trust or respect women, or perhaps he’s used to conditioning insecure women to seek his approval by screwing with them enough that they are never certain about what’s going on. Sounds like a power thing to me. I don’t think it can get better by forgiving the manipulator.

    #752595 Reply
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    Al

    I don’t want to be forgiven. I want to show the people around me, that I’m capable of loving… I know that’ll take an immense amount of time. I’ll do that. I’ll remove myself and keep away completely. I want to be able to let them know I am sorry for my behavior and I never meant to hurt anybody.

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