How do I fix myself and be self sufficient after a series of bad relationships?

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  • Ragnarok
    May 20, 2023 at 1:34 pm #1120477

    Hey y’all, I basically needed some personal advice on this situation.

    I used to like this guy, but he pretty much tricked me. Basically he confessed to me, and we dated for 2 days(I do not consider him an ex) which was most probably just a set up to make out with me, and then he started ghosting me. Didn’t even apologize, had to force a conversation with him to get into any conclusion. He then asked to be together casually(also exclusively but we knows that is bullcrap) which I kinda agreed to at first, ig I was hoping that it would lead to something, but he wasn’t responsive and I feel like he’d do things at his convenience. I kinda tried to be mad at him, but then he turned things around on me. So I just apologized and neutralized the situation cause we’re in the same friends group.

    This was all really confusing cause he had told my friend earlier that he did not want to hurt me. And frankly all of this made him feel like an asshole and honestly somewhat sociopathic.

    Now after all(with appropriate duration in between) this I got in touch with my ex, someone who left me cruelly. But someone I loved a lot, we were really fond of each other and I do feel I love him. But he is just never there. He apologized to me, and we got really close, couldn’t be together ig cause of his situation, he is the jealous type and he knows his behavioral issues, and is in a position where he cannot afford more stress in life, so we just went No contact eventually. He heard about my situation with this guy and also got mad on my behalf. We expressed feelings for each other, but like I said ig we cannot be together, so he did tell me to not halt my life for him. He is very different from most people, in a sense he is not very sexual, he gets a lot of attention, but he is very old school about love. Had he been able to give me any end time for a wait, my dumbass would have actually waited for him. I have ended up enabling a lot of his bad behavior because of his difficult life situation, and given him access to me too easily, but I had a real soft spot for him. We ended up wondering if we’d ever get together in the future, although he did say not to halt my life for him.

    Anyway this is all done. But I do see the first guy often(same area) if we run into each other. I never officially had a “fight” with him so although I was resentful of him for sometime, I pretended to be fine(initially i was down bad). Luckily most people from our friends group moved away so I don’t have to see him often. He used to be pretty rude, but ig he really tries to be nice, to me now. At times almost too nice. Probably cause he was crudely rejected by some people too..But idk him being nice to me makes me happy, I enjoy that attention. Nothing’s gonna happen, and knowing the type of person he is, I don’t want to date him. But I do find myself be somewhat attracted to him and being “happy”, the highs of a crush ig.

    All this, especially the situation with my ex makes me feel incredibly conflicted. My ex definitely loves me, but he is never there. I miss him but I barely have any contact with him so I forget what he feels like. Neither guy is good for me, and they’ve both hurt me. Honestly I wanna stay single now, but I also don’t want to be attracted to anyone. But life feels so boring without such highs and lows, I wish my brain wasn’t wired like this. I don’t want to have this constant feeling of trying to prove my worth like this. I am very aware and have self control, so I don’t play mind games at all and always stop myself from doing somejthing inappropriate. But I do look for attention from guys like this(even male friends too), now I wanna be self sufficient, how do I get to that point? Honestly wanna be asexual and aromantic somehow.

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    May 20, 2023 at 2:04 pm #1120480

    It’s good that you have the self-awareness to realize you crave the highs and lows, but it’s not great that you seem to not only be attracted to, but give way too much headspace and attention to, guys that mistreat you. And something within you seems to like the idea of these guys being “sociopathic” (that’s not a good or accurate word to use to describe stuff like this btw) or “cruel.” What’s really going on is these guys just aren’t into you / aren’t available to you. Do you think you’re attracted to that because you’re actually not ready for anything serious (you sound very young), so these guys are “safe” in a sense? Or do you think it’s more that you on some level seek out guys who treat you badly? You should think about it. And the proper thing to do here is just delete and block both these guys, because they’re both a waste of time. The longer you stay hung up on them, the longer you’re going to wait to find a nice relationship with someone who likes you back.

    ETA, sorry, just saw your last sentence about wanting to be asexual or aromantic. I’m not sure what you mean by that exactly, but yeah, sounds like you’re really not ready for anything so you’re wasting your own time with these time-wasters who don’t want anything from you.

    • This reply was modified 9 months, 2 weeks ago by Kate.
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    Anonymousse
    May 20, 2023 at 4:22 pm #1120482

    Your ex is telling you he doesn’t want to be with you and not to “halt your life for him,” which is sad, because he knows you would halt your life for him. Even he feels too badly about that to give you a fake date of when you could be together.

    And the other guy, tricked you. Which means he doesn’t respect you and thinks it’s okay to play. He’s not worth it.

    Neither guy is good. The ex isn’t an option.

    Honey, it’s your self esteem. Are you in college? I would take some time figuring out what is going on inside that you are attracted to men who treat you with disinterest and disrespect.

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    Anonymousse
    May 20, 2023 at 4:54 pm #1120483

    It is good you’re realizing they are crap guys, but not all guys are. You’re enjoying the drama. You’re attracted to the guys who treat you poorly, which is the real issue If you’re young, you like attention, just date around (hopefully, nicer guys?) and not take things too seriously, but also don’t be a doormat.

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    Ragnarok
    May 21, 2023 at 1:09 pm #1120504

    Thank you for responding, I personally don’t feel that I am the type to not feel ready for commitment. I’m very serious and devoted to whoever I am with and have been told I am a good lover. And yes sociopathic is not the right word, but definitely manipulative. I am not consciously attracted to do these types of guys.
    When I speak of my ex, he is in a place where he knows he is not well. His financial and other insecurities make him compare himself to others, feel jealous of their experiences and nostalgic memories and I feel like that is a valid reason for him to not want to be with someone. But I have definitely let him access me too easily…when he came back, I felt cognitive dissonance cause I never expected that. I felt bad for all he’s been through.
    He was mad about the other guy for mistreating me, and although I made it clear, I didn’t properly call him out on how hypocritical he sounded. I really do wonder if he would make the same sacrifices for me. He’d have to show me A LOT of sacrifice to ever get back with me again, if that were to ever even happen.

    Same with the other guy I feel bad for how poorly he deals with life. He might actually just be doing this shit on purpose, sometimes I can’t help but feel bad. I’m sure I don’t like him, I just enjoy the attention he gives me….although it really disillusions me when I remember that he does not respect me. Maybe I should remind myself of that more often.

    Long story short, it’s probably my self esteem. And lack of prioritizing my needs over my wants. For eg: I wanna stay for an extra 5 mins, but I should go 5 mins earlier to revise my notes which would be better for me in the long term. Ig I should apply something similar here.

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    May 21, 2023 at 6:46 pm #1120511

    People can have a hard life and you can be sympathetic to them, but if they don’t treat you well, you still don’t have to put up with it. You sounds like you have a lot of empathy, which is good overall, but it can lead you to dangerous places where you can excuse bad behavior. For example: “Oh, he’s just jealous because of his financial insecurities”

    To answer your core question “How do I fix myself and be self sufficient after a series of bad relationships?” Therapy and plenty of time spent being single. Get comfortable being without a romantic partner.

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    Anonymousse
    May 21, 2023 at 8:02 pm #1120512

    I agree with BM.
    Stop giving people so many chances and allow them so many excuses. Like, you’re defending them but hey be treated you badly. I don’t care what happened in their pasts, that’s no excuse for treating you poorly.

    You titled your post “how can I fix myself and be self sufficient?” You can fix yourself with figuring out why you’re attracted to unavailable guys who don’t treat you well probably in counseling or therapy.

    Therapy, spending more and more time alone or with friends, but alone is really good for building self sufficiency. Focus on what you want, what makes you happy instead of these crap guys who aren’t even giving you what you want? Look less to men for your self esteem and you will find you expect more from them. Why add people who add uncertainty and drama?

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How do I fix myself and be self sufficient after a series of bad relationships?

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