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Dear Wendy

How do I get over my ex who caused me so much pain and lies so much?

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  • #923105 Reply
    avatarAnonymous
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    My ex and I met the end of last September in Vegas. I didn’t think much of him or the fact that we’d keep talking after, but he was so persistent in talking to me/getting to know me. We found out we live not too far from eachother, and we went on a date and texted every single day since. I had my walls up, but ended up falling for him. He was just so genuine and sweet and Christian. I ended up going to his birthday and spending the weekend with him not too long after that trip and out date. I found out the first time he was still seeing his ex. He told me they broke up 3 days before Vegas, and I tried to cut it off with him but he convinced me it was over. I stupidly believed him, as he’s very convincing, persistent, and a persuasive business man who knows how to manipulate his words.

    I know he was a good guy. But I also know it was too soon. I ended up letting my walls down, and then as our relationship progressed and I saw him every weekend since vegas, we got into arguments. A lot of it because of my past and his issue and insecurity with guys I’ve slept with before him. Fast forward to November, when we fought about my past and my ex who he found out was babysitting my dog (nothing happened between us, I just needed a dog sitter while I went to school), and we decided to break it off but he convinced me that we were going to end up married when I said this shouldn’t be a break, this should just be a permanent end to our relationship. He wanted me to not see other people and made me believe he was focused on work.

    The second time his ex (3+ year relationship) came into the picture, was during my midterm. She reached out to me on twitter and exposed that they’d been trying to make it work. I had her send me proof and screen shots and he cussed her out and showed me he chose me. He told me he was confused and wanted to see if he still loved her, but even while we were talking she came over and they even had sex. I told him I’d only stay with him if he went to therapy and he did for the first day and everything was good. We planned a trip to New York shortly after.

    I senses something was wrong, and he was so irritable and sad and quiet.. not himself. He was happy the first night in New York, and asked me to be his girlfriend officially in a romantic part of Times Square, and I said yes. He told me it’s just me and him now, and always said that the next person he made his girlfriend would be his last. The one he marries. I was so in love and happy and felt so free. The last 2 days of the trip he was irritable but I remained positive and happy for us. We ended up missing our flight, and it was the day before Christmas Eve and we ended up having to leave at night instead. At the airport he told me he had to make a couple business calls and he was stressed because of work and blamed me for missing the flight when it wasn’t my fault. He did want to sit next to me and it seemed like he was just on YouTube on his phone the whole time.

    At the airplane, we didn’t have seats next to eachother and he didn’t want to ask the people next to him to see if they’d let us sit next to eachother. We landed at the airport, where he told me I’m the reason for his stress (I was so confused what I did or why) he said it was my past eating him up alive, and then broke up with me. Keep in mind this is 2 days after he asked me to be official and I told all my friends who were so supportive of us and happy for us. I was heartbroken.

    The next morning around 6am, his ex texted me saying “I told you he’d come back to me. He came to my place right after the airport and we just finished talking about why he wanted to be with me. He even asked my mom for permission to marry me in the future and texted my best friend during ur trip to New York.” She sent me a screenshot of him trying to reach out to her. I told her, that’s fine. Just be careful for the next girl he comes across. Then I blocked her.

    I was clearly devastated. A day before Christmas and now I had to be with my family trying to hide my depression. I went through the motions and process of being single and making friends. He reached out to me 2 or so weeks after in December pretending to be his friend, and doing this weird manipulative thing where he gets a fake number and tricks me into talking to him. I fell for it. I usually know better, but I just don’t know why with him it’s so hard. He convinced me to see him but I was so sure that I didn’t want it after what I went through.

    He was so persistent again, and always reaching out to me wirh new numbers asking to have one time of closure in person. I was also persistent in that I was kind of seeing my ex here and there (he was abusive before and used me and never wanted me as much as I wanted him. I know he wouldn’t and stopped abusing me.) and wanted to make it work with him. I still loved him. I realized I loved him more than this guy who was unstable and played me and I didn’t want to be or deal with him and just didn’t trust him. My ex didn’t want me. I didn’t want the guy that wanted me again. I just wanted to focus on myself. I went out and drank and hung out with my girlfriends and the guy kept trying. We ended up hanging out a little again, I told him I just wanted time to figure myself out. (I really just wanted to spend Valentine’s Day with my ex and hope it would work out). I did. He still didn’t want me and I felt so led on. The guy ended up going on a trip to Korea and we ended up talking more regularly but to me I let him know I didn’t want it. When he came back, he asked to come see me and he got me stuff from his trip and asked me to be his girlfriend after he though on the plane. I said no. Lol. We kept hanging out and he kept convincing me somehow, and later in March after spending so much time with him he asked me again and I ended up saying yes…even though I still wasn’t ready.

    Quarantine ended up happening and my ex randomly kept calling and texting throughout. But I ended up stopping replying because it wasn’t worth it. He just led me on and I got tired of it. I ended up living with the guy I was with and eventually he convinced me to let my walls down again but I had major trust issues and needed so much reassurance and I told him this before when he kept begging to win me back for so many months. He promised and reassured me that he’d do anything to fight for me and let me know he was really over her. I know that I was a rebound and I told him this, but he was so convincing once again and I somehow fell for his words.

    We fought so many times and I kept having so many trust issues and traumas that whenever he was quiet (like in New York), he was simping about his ex. When we were apart and even together I always felt the need lurk her Instagram and twitter to make sure. He promised me he wasn’t talking to her and all that happened last year so I should just get over it because it’s been so long.

    Recently as our fights got worse, it’s because I came across her tumblr. She had so many posts about what had happened and they were sub posting about eachother and I found out he was fighting for her December and January. (From her posts and the dates). It hurt me so much and I asked him about it and he lied even though I had evidence. Eventually he owned up to the truth. But I didn’t know what to do, I just couldn’t find it in me to trust him.

    He ended up getting an ulcer caused by stress and I made the decision to forget everything because it seemed that every time we fought and I broke up with him, he stayed and chose to fight for me. I believed him. I was good for a short time and tried to forget. He made me public on social media (after so much begging and arguing about it) and I put him on mine too. It seemed it was all over but I still had some trust issues that made us have so many toxic fights.

    Not getting into the detail of our fights but a lot of times it was so toxic on both parts. He was emotionally abusive and kicked me out and I would always spend hours outside in the middle of the night with no shoes or place to go. Anyway, it kept happening and we kept trying to find ways to be and stay healthy but it was just so hard. We couldn’t communicate.

    We broke up only yesterday/today and he seems to have had enough of me. He convinced me he’s over his ex but I feel he’d still go back and she’d take him back. He’s been stopping trying and I was the one begging him but I feel I was toxic and didn’t have to stay in my trauma. I just feel he validated his lying and made me feel bad for my trust issues that stemmed from him, and my past also. (Being with an abusive ex made me have anger issues and rage when we fight). We both had our toxic habits. I ubered home again and he just has been hanging with his friends and I just don’t know what to feel or how to feel.

    I feel I love him and always see the best in him or who he could be. I feel it was my fault for being toxic and crazy and living in the past. I felt I shouldn’t have kept believing he’d go to his ex while he was trying and making consistent effort in not returning to her. Showing me he wasn’t going back no matter what.

    Side story: his ex told me when she reached out the first time, he did this with his first ex, with her and it’s a cycle. He was with his first ex for 6 years and then his second for 3. With me it’s only been less than a year lol. I haven’t been in relationships longer than a year and I know it’s my fault because I’m insecure and toxic and start fights too.

    How should I feel? Are we both wrong? What should I do? I just feel so sad and miss him. Relationships are really hard, and even though I’ve been hurt, I know from my relationship with this guy that I don’t want to be with my ex. He showed me good things, as much bad as there were. He showed me a real man (in different ways), and how I deserved to be treated. He did so much for me. I just always had fear he would cheat on me like he cheated in his past but he reassured me he wouldn’t. I’m just… I need advice on how to get over this guy who clearly isn’t the one even though he really felt like everything I wanted and more. Advice?

    #923518 Reply
    avatarLisforLeslie
    Guest

    OK _ I did not read all of this. You spend a whole lot of time trying to convince yourself that someone else is making him act a certain way. Or that if you were only good enough that he wouldn’t hurt you.

    THAT IS NOT HOW IT WORKS.

    He treats you poorly because he is a lying sack of shit. Don’t try to convince yourself that he’s a good person. He lies. He manipulates, he uses. Of course you’re anxious and suspicious – he’s a known liar who vacillates between two women, ping ponging. He did this before. He’s doing it now. He’s done nothing trustworthy but then tells you it’s your fault that you can’t ignore his history and his current behavior.

    STOP THINKING YOU CAN CHANGE HIM. STOP WISHING HE WOULD BE BETTER. You are in love with someone you think he could be, that means he isn’t that person.

    Why are you putting all your energy into someone who puts in less than the bare minimum and tells you that if you only worked harder, maybe, just maybe you’d win the prize of someone who uses you and lies to you? Walk away. Get therapy to find out why you feel compelled to fight for a person who makes you feel terrible about yourself.

    #923531 Reply
    avatarron
    Guest

    You need therapy. You’ve chosen and clung to two losers, each with multiple huge warning signs, one abusive and the other certainly prepping you for abuse.You sound desperated for any man, which means you need to take a break from men and get yourself together. It would be difficult to describe two relationships which are worse, more manipulative, and more destructive to you than the ones you’ve described. In addition to therapy, you need to have no contact with either of these guys. If they contact you on a different account, don’t engage and block the new account. You ignore proof of serial cheating, gaslighting, manipulation, and abuse. Why?

    #923589 Reply
    avatargolfer.gal
    Guest

    Oh my God. Therapy, now. Stay far, far, far away from both of these men. What you’re describing is rampant abuse. Someone ignoring your boundaries (continuing to ask to date you after you’ve said no, etc) isn’t romantic or persistent, it’s a red flag. Being jealous and putting you down because you have a romantic past is a giant red flag. “Fighting for you” i.e. refusing to leave you alone isn’t love, it’s a giant red flag. Spending hours outside shoeless in the middle of the night alone because your partner has intentionally put you there…Jesus christ. None of this is love- everything you describe is abusive, narcissistic, manipulation. Men who abuse do not get better. Studies and statistics show they get worse as time goes on.

    Please get yourself into counseling immediately. It’s unclear from your letter where you’re living now but if it’s with your ex please contact your local women’s shelter for help. Visit http://www.thehotline.org and spend some real time reviewing the information there. Lovefraud may be another resource you want to check out. Call 1-800-799-7233 if you need help making a plan to stay/get away from this man. Cut contact. Block both of them everywhere and any random numbers that text you. Again, persistence is NOT love it’s a tactic to further abuse you. The absolute most important thing is to get you safe and away from both of them for good. The next most important thing is to get yourself into counseling. Stop dating anyone, you aren’t ready, and concentrate on getting yourself healthy.

    #923687 Reply
    avatarFYI
    Guest

    1000% agree on the therapy. Without it, there will just be another guy like these two on the horizon — an endless cycle of this crap. You keep saying this “ended up” happening or that “ended up” happening. No. You’re making decisions all along the way to keep abusive people in your life.

    #923731 Reply
    avataranonymousse
    Participant

    You need to block him from your phone and you need to find a good therapist. I agree that you have disregarded a million red flags. It’s alarming reading your post. Please, read it and imagine it’s your best friend. You’d tell her to run far away from that abusive, lying, cheating asshole. And that’s what you need to do. But you also need to get yourself to a good place where you can spot these warning signs that you just completely ignored. Find a therapist. Block him, completely. And block his other girlfriend. Take a lot of time to heal before you even try to get into another relationship.

    To be clear, here are some signs right from the beginning that he’s a terrible person:

    -trampling your boundaries and being “persistent” even though you don’t like him
    -shaming you for your past
    -still seeing his ex
    -still sleeping with his ex
    -lying to you ALL the time
    -using other numbers to call you when you don’t answer
    -kicking you out without shoes or your phone, WTF?

    And I could go on and on.

    You seem to have really low self worth to keep going back to these men that treat you like garbage. You need to get help for yourself before you start dating again.
    I really hope you do get help and stop this cycle of drama and abuse.

    #925077 Reply
    avatarAnge
    Guest

    Oh please, please don’t date for a while until you get your head on right. Obviously that guy wasn’t genuine, sweet or particularly Christian but you believed his words over his actions. Until you can trust yourself to look for red flags and stand up for yourself you’re just going to continue being a target for these types of men.

    #926389 Reply
    PheebersPhoebe
    Guest

    What everyone is saying. Get help, because this is clearly too big a problem to get away from on your own.

    He’s not special, you can’t fix him, you’re not seeing things others can’t see, you’re not responsible for him being awful. He is, by every definition, creepy and abusive. It’s hard to see when it’s you. But you need help getting out and STAYING out.

    #926627 Reply
    avatarron
    Guest

    This is how you get over him: 1)keep him blocked on everything, if he finds another way to contact you, don’t respond; 2)every time a thought of him creeps into your mind repeat: do I want the amount of pain he caused me in my life do I want a relationship with a major liar; 3)get a new hobby, spend time virtually with friends, study something on-line — anything to happily spend time and reboot your mind; 4)therapy if needed.

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