fbpx
Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

How do I help my ex?

Home Forums Get Advice, Give Advice How do I help my ex?

  • This topic has 30 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 2 months ago by Bittergaymark.
Viewing 12 posts - 13 through 24 (of 31 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • #1098176 Reply
    chris90
    Participant

    Hi all,

    Sorry I haven’t been replying but I’ve had a really busy week and now only just got the time to login.

    To clarify, our daughter doesn’t stay with her Mum at weekends, she either stays with me or my parents who’ve looked after since she was 2 weeks old.

    The ex and I had a disagreement on Thursday when I went to see her and I told her that the two “friends” were using her just for a place to crash at the weekends. She still doesn’t see it that way so I’ve given up bothering about it.

    As I hate using the word ‘she’ all the time, I’m going to use an alias for ‘her’, that will be EH.

    EH made contact today to tell me that her former employer has been in touch and given her some work in a couple of weeks so I told her that it was great news and that I feel this is the first step in sorting her MH out. EH didn’t really know what to say to that.

    EH called me again this evening to pop round to my house (our former home together) and probably stayed for about 30 mins or so. As it was dark out, I did offer her to stay the night but she declined so I gave her cab money home.

    Answering some other questions…

    Kate; she has an addiction to Tramadaol, a drug prescribed to her by her GP to cope with chronic stomach pain which they’ve never found a cure for. She’s been told on one hand that it could all be in her head (the pain that is) but hasn’t received any help towards that. However all the signs of BPD that you’ve pointed out are her in a nutshell sadly and she blames me for the end of our relationship citing that I used to try and control her, and when I push her for an answer on how I controlled her she can never give me an answer and just tells me that I must be on drugs if I don’t recall controlling her. Heh!

    To everyone else, I have a lot more involvement with my daughter and she’s with me a lot more than she is her Mum. I’d say she’s with Mum probably 2 or 3 times a week? Our daughter, although 2 y/o, does prefer to be with me more – probably because I make the effort to play with her, include her in things and give her the best cuddles (not to blow my own trumpet).

    My life? Well, I’ve always focused on everybody else so I don’t know how to focus on me. I’ve recently started working a bit more than I used to, going out a little bit more but otherwise find keeping myself to myself the thing I prefer to do. I feel I suffer with social anxiety a lot of the time.

    Thank you for taking the time out of your days to respond to my thread with your helpfulness and guidance, I really do appreciate it.

    #1098180 Reply
    Kate
    Keymaster

    You do sound kind of controlling. You two have broken up, so it’s not your place to be giving unsolicited advice like telling her her friends are using her, or that getting some work is the first step in sorting out her mental health.

    The only things concerning your ex that you should be commenting on are those that pertain to your daughter.

    #1098181 Reply
    Kate
    Keymaster

    So Tramadol is an opioid. If she’s really addicted to it, which sounds likely because apparently it’s highly addictive, that could be very bad if they stop prescribing it to her. And dangerous for your daughter if her mum starts using street drugs.

    #1098182 Reply
    chris90
    Participant

    I do? I didn’t realise I was. Yipes.

    I didn’t say that work would be the first step in sorting out her MH, I merely said that it may do her MH good since lately she hasn’t been leaving the flat other than to see friends, preschool runs and coming up to see me / our daughter when she’s here.

    I have realised that I need to just back away as others have said and I will.

    The docs won’t take her off tramadol for that reason.

    #1098183 Reply
    Kate
    Keymaster

    You did realize you seem controlling because your ex told you so. And then instead of internalizing that and apologizing, you “pushed her” for an answer on how exactly you’re controlling. She probably gave you some examples and you brushed them off. Even if she didn’t, the point is that she felt controlled by you. But you blew that off until a stranger on the internet said the same thing.

    #1098185 Reply
    chris90
    Participant

    “You did realize you seem controlling because your ex told you so. And then instead of internalizing that and apologizing, you “pushed her” for an answer on how exactly you’re controlling. ”

    No. I’m yet to understand whether I am or was controlling – looking back on our time together, we just got on with what we wanted to do a lot of the time and went out together when we could.

    I actually said in my previous message that I need to back down trying to say anything about her life because there is no helping her despite doing so in the past. The past is the past now and the only focus should be our daughter as you and others have said.

    “She probably gave you some examples and you brushed them off. Even if she didn’t, the point is that she felt controlled by you. But you blew that off until a stranger on the internet said the same thing.”

    1) No, she didn’t.
    2) Yes, a stranger on the net said the same thing as my ex.

    Maybe I need to look at controlling behaviour and try and comprehend whether that is me.

    #1098189 Reply
    Kate
    Keymaster

    Maybe you need to believe her that she felt controlled by you and go from there. Because she’s telling you the truth. It’s not “if” you are, you are. I believe her, and I see it in your posts here. It would be good for you to try and figure out why you’re like that and work on those issues in therapy so it won’t sabotage your future relationships.

    Two other good reasons to try therapy right now while you’re single are your social anxiety and your tendency to always focus on other people instead of yourself.

    #1098194 Reply
    Bittergaymark
    Guest

    Wait, wait. Wait. Is is REALLY “controlling” to tell your ex to please stop letting homeless drug addicts stay at her house when your fucking daughter is there with her?

    I mean —- seriously?! WTF?!?

    #1098195 Reply
    Kate
    Keymaster

    Not at all, that part makes total sense if you’re trying to have a safe environment for your child. But that wasn’t his motivation.

    It’s also the fact that she told him, multiple times apparently, and stuck with it, that she felt controlled, and he laughed it off. It’s him STILL trying to run her life for her, telling her her friends are using her, she should stay overnight (though they’re broken up), trying to manage her mental health. The fact that he only focuses on others, not himself. He should talk to someone and see if there are things he can work on, to turn the focus away from his ex’s personal life.

    #1098198 Reply
    Bittergaymark
    Guest

    Drug addicts always deflect from their own responsibility by blaming their partner. It’s darkly hilarious how the out of controll always whine about being controlled. As if.

    At any rate, LW… Start saving up for her funeral. As that’s where this is going.

    Sue for full custody. Supervised visitation.

    #1098205 Reply
    FYI
    Guest

    Agree. With addicts, it’s always someone else’s fault.

    #1098206 Reply
    anonymousse
    Participant

    I just don’t understand where your concern for your child is in all of this!?

Viewing 12 posts - 13 through 24 (of 31 total)
Reply To: Reply #1098183 in How do I help my ex?
Your information: