Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

How do I help my ex?

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  • #1098311 Reply

    I gotta agree with BGM here – I’m not seeing the controlling behavior from the LW. Not wanting your partner (or even ex-partner) to hang out with toxic people who are taking advantage of them is a far cry from being controlling.

    Any time an ex tells you that you were bad to them in any way, it’s worth considering and introspecting on if it’s true or not. But in my experience (particularly with people who have BPD) just because they say it’s true, doesn’t make it true.

    My wife’s sister has BPD and has lobbied several accusations towards my wife and it absolutely destroys her, and they are all wildly untrue. It’s a particular cruelty and it usually involves accusations of behavior that the person is guilty of themselves.

    #1098312 Reply

    He sounds controlling to me, with his continued insistence on being all up in her business ?‍♀️

    #1098313 Reply

    I don’t know – seems like the ex is dragging the OP into the mess, asking for money, asking for help, dumping her mental health issues on him. My interpretation was that he’s trying to be supportive, at minimum because they’re coparenting, but also because he still cares since the breakup is pretty recent.

    I’m not getting controlling – I’m getting “We broke up but we’re still enmeshed more than is healthy”

    #1098321 Reply

    I’m getting — “We broke up but we’re still enmeshed because we share a child and because the breakup is pretty recent.” I’m not getting controlling. I’m getting someone who is worried about who is dragging down his daughter’s mom.

    #1098322 Reply

    I’m getting creepy vibes.

    #1098323 Reply

    And no concern expressed for the child. He thinks she’s just fine.

    #1098326 Reply

    That struck me as denial. As bad as the mom is — the LW is clinging desperately to the (i so, so get it!) appealing fantasy that his ex would simply never ever put their daughter at risk.

    So I am seeing delusional.

    But NOT controlling.

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