Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

How do I move on from wanting a relationship with my sister that I can never get

Home Forums Advice & Chat How do I move on from wanting a relationship with my sister that I can never get

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  • #1116830 Reply

    I’ve changed the way I react to things, because I would get yelled at for being upset. If I was upset around my mom, even something minor or that had nothing to do with her like I had a bad day at school my mom would get mad at me for being upset. She’d literally throw things at me and scream at me and practically make fun of me for being mad. She does it to my sister now. It’s not very fun witnessing it. Mind you I was enduring this prior to 18, my sister is 19. I changed how and when I express my emotions, I used to be very open and vulnerable but I had to learn to deal with these emotions on my own in private. The list goes on. I’m trying to build myself or “find myself”.

    & I know my sister is also a product of our environment, I came home from work the other day and she was breaking down because of my parents. Saying we’re both sick because of them, that they manipulate her by bringing her in then just tearing her down. I already went through this prior to 18 so I was able to give her some advice.

    But here’s the thing. I have offered for us to move out before. But again, she hates me so much that she’d rather be stuck in this environment than move out with me. I found a really good apartment that we could’ve both afforded if we worked full time. I even told her I would be willing to cover more so she could focus on school because I can handle working and going to school. I started working at 16, she started working a few months ago.

    And yeah I agree about my therapist. I wanted to look within and see what I was doing wrong, I didn’t want to be a victim wondering why they’re treating me this way. I was a child reacting to my parents’ abuse but I feel like I also played a part in this. My intentions have always been pure and everything “rebellious” that I did in my adolescence was a cry for help but I don’t know. I think I just never expressed my emotions properly or I was just told that I wasn’t.

    #1116849 Reply
    Avatar photoCopa

    Wow. I’m glad you will be moving out soon and creating space/distance. It sounds like it is long overdue. Once you get that space, you can create boundaries and have more of a say on how much of even if you see your family and under what circumstances.

    I don’t think managing your reactions sounds like a total personality overhaul, however, I do think it’s unfortunate that you are not allowed to have feelings or be vulnerable around your family. I hope once you are out that you will start focusing on your chosen family and that these people will feel like a safe space.

    Lastly, I will add that my nuclear family dynamics are incredibly dysfunctional. Very different from this, but still bad. I am also the only one in my family who has gone to therapy. One thing my therapist and I have talked about is that in some of these bad family dynamic situations, the family member who stops going along with the bullshit and tries to change things (even if that’s just by setting boundaries) is often the one who gets labeled problematic because they’re disrupting the status quo. It doesn’t matter how messed up the status quo is. My sister will tell me privately how messed up things are but goes along with the bullshit. I refuse, which comes with its own difficulties and in my experience the grief doesn’t really go away (though it’s not always heavy). I truly wish you luck.

    #1116850 Reply

    So glad you are moving out. Your parents sound only one step above absolute evil.

    As for your sister – She’s between a rock and a hard place and she may never do the work to extract herself. And you have to make sure you protect yourself if she doesn’t.

    Rock: She knows your parents are manipulative.

    Hard place: If she doesn’t want it directed at her, she’s going to behave as taught. She’s not willing to do the hard work and she’s not willing to stand up to them because it’s too hard, it’s too scary, it’s easier to go along to get along. And even when your parents are gone, unless she consciously decides to break the pattern, she’s likely always going to hate you – because that’s comfortable. Hate can be a comfortable place for people. There is always an enemy. Your parents chose you – it helped them form an alliance – them against you. All the problems in the world were because of you – not them. They don’t have to look inwards. When you leave, they’ll find a new target – probably your sister. When she leaves they’ll find a new target.

    And that’s why I say, even if your parents are gone from the face of this earth, even if your sister moves away, she may not be able to be the sister you want. And she may just repeat the patterns of your parents.

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