Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

How do I navigate through the dating world as a 27 year old virgin?

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  • #872870 Reply
    avatarJosephine
    Guest

    I didn’t plan on remaining a virgin for this long but after seeing sex produce so many negative ripple effects, it just kinda happened. I’ve watched so many women’s lives and minds essentially downgrade due to the complexities sex can cause. The insulting pain of being used and disposed like tissue. “The only thing worse than losing someone is sitting right next to them knowing you can’t have them.” personified when a woman will give any part of her body to a man who won’t give her his heart. The emotional and physical trauma of abortion and being haunted by guilt. The reality of merging your DNA with a man who honestly wouldn’t have been your first choice to build a family with. The risk of single motherhood and becoming a target for pedophiles/having to journey through parenthood without a partner by your side. I’ve watched sex be used as an effective manipulation tool that keeps toxic, harmful, disintegrous people in one’s life.

    I have yet to find a man who is worth those risks despite a former relationship of nearly four years.
    Would it be advantageous to just save it for marriage?
    What’s the best dating formula for someone who doesn’t plan on having sex?
    Am I making a foolish life choice and missing out on an important form of intimacy?

    #872874 Reply
    avatarAnge
    Guest

    Ummm, wow. Well you don’t have to have sex with anyone you don’t want to but I’m genuinely curious how you intend to switch those pretty searingly negative feelings about sex off when you meet a good guy? That sounds like some powerful mental conditioning you’ve got going on there.

    #872879 Reply
    avatarJosephine
    Guest

    Hi, Ange! These are observations, not feelings. It’s not about “mental conditioning”; it’s about a decade of playing free therapist for tons of friends and observing the impact of sex on their lives and who they’ve become.

    #872881 Reply
    avatarJosephine
    Guest

    I don’t mean to be negative. I just don’t want to get tangled up in a situation with someone who’s not a hurt worth having.

    #872883 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    That’s really dramatic. You can just, you know, not want to have sex until you’re in love, and not put all that negative crap on women who make different choices.

    Just make sure guys know that it’s your policy not to have sex until you’re in a committed relationship. Or until marriage, if you’ve decided that’s your policy. Try religious dating sites and meeting guys at church. But please drop the melodrama. It’s simply a personal choice, and you can be calm about it.

    #872884 Reply
    avatarAnge
    Guest

    I guess I just see it as someone can still hurt you profoundly and deeply without ever having sex with you, if avoiding hurt is your goal. It’s not sex that’s the issue it’s not choosing good people to have it with or not being proactive about your birth control and boundaries, or not having strong enough self esteem to weed out those that might take advantage of it – things like that. Ultimately if you aren’t on top of those things no matter who you wait for you’re at risk of terrible hurt. Look at those fundies that never have sex before marriage, do you think they all land on their feet in wedded bliss?

    Whether or not you have sex is up to you but I think you’re not seeing the forest for the trees.

    #872885 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    That said, unfortunately you can’t guarantee you’re going to protect yourself from any/all of that stuff if you wait until marriage. Marriage is no guarantee of anything.

    #872886 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    Right, what Ange just said.

    #872887 Reply
    avatarAnge
    Guest

    Lol, jinx

    #872888 Reply
    avatarJosephine
    Guest

    Kate, that’s not melodrama; those are very realistic outcomes. If you feel like me pointing out real life experiences and situations is “putting negative crap on women who make different choices” then that’s about YOU, not me. Maybe your sex life has been smooth sailing and that’s why the post seems dramatic but those things can happen and have a serious impact on women.

    #872889 Reply
    avatarCopa
    Participant

    Nobody can tell you whether you should save it for marriage — the decision to have sex (or not) and with whom is personal. In dating, some men will weed themselves out when they don’t have sex in the first few dates. There are people who do want sex and will wait a bit longer, so I do think you should put it out there that you “don’t plan to have sex,” whatever that means to you, when dating.

    I don’t mean to be negative. I just don’t want to get tangled up in a situation with someone who’s not a hurt worth having.

    ^Also, this sounds deeper than sex to me. You sound totally closed off to being vulnerable. Dating includes different kinds of vulnerability and there’s no way to ensure you won’t get hurt even if you’re not having sex.

    #872892 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    It’s not about sex, though, Josephine. It’s about making bad choices with men, not being confident, putting up with poor treatment, not being careful with birth control, or just being unlucky and attracting a creep. Abstaining won’t keep you from getting hurt, or eventually being left or cheated on after you marry someone.

    And no, this is not about me, I’m fine. It’s about you.

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