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Dear Wendy

How do I properly communicate with women?

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  • #853873 Reply

    I went to a speed dating event last week. No matches, even with those I had things in common with and the conversation went well.

    I started by asking about interests, hobbies, what they enjoy doing for fun. My thought process is, if we have some common interests, then the two of us are at least dateable. Some, though, had to take a moment to think about what their own interests are.

    In the second half of the event, I changed my approach, asking instead what they are looking for in a man and in a relationship. Again, some had to think about this as well.

    I had similar results at a singles party I went to last month. This wasn’t speed dating, so we could talk more freely without time constraints. Again, no one wanted to go on a date, even when we had some things in common.

    The same is true online. I changed my profile three times over the last several months. I message at least a dozen women. My messages get read, my profile gets viewed, but no response.

    Disclaimer: My self-confidence is high. I can start a conversation at any time with a woman. I often do so, as well, out in public. I am not a shy person, and am even perceived as a social butterfly.

    There are several more speed dating events in my area in the near future that I’d like to go to. What am I doing wrong?

    #853874 Reply

    There is not enough detail here to tell you what you’re doing wrong. Less so if you add in the app. I would suggest you ask some friends if they can give you any advice. Ask them to be totally honest. Let them view your profile, too. There are profile services and dating coaches you could try. Otherwise, if your hygiene is good, your breath is fresh and you are dressed well, it’s really hard to say what the issue is.

    Are you too confident? Loud? I don’t know. Good luck.

    #853881 Reply

    I’m reading this book right now and I think it would help you.
    “The Like Switch” by Jack Schafer.

    It’s about how to act in a way that invites people to like you. It tells how to see if someone is interested in you. It has advice for dating but also for the workplace and for making friends. It gives advice on body language that will make people see you as a friend. If a woman doesn’t see you as a friend she won’t want a date. It gives pointers on being empathetic.

    You could buy it on Amazon but you can probably get a copy at your local library.

    #853884 Reply

    It’s hard to say what, if anything, you’re doing wrong.

    I can say, however, that I hate when people ask me, “What are your hobbies?” To me, it feels like being put on the spot (which may be why it takes some women you’ve met take a moment to think). Asking someone what they’re looking for in a man and relationship within seconds of meeting might come across the same way. I’ve never speed dated, so I’m unsure what a good approach is.

    I have, however, online dated and met two long-term boyfriends that way (an ex and my current boyfriend). A dozen messages on online dating truly isn’t that many, though I know it feels like a ton. Are your photos flattering? Online dating is shallow, so good, current photos are a must. When you write your messages, are they tailored to the woman you are writing to or are you copy/pasting the same thing to different women? If a man clearly hadn’t read my profile, I didn’t respond. If it came across too much like he was “selling” himself for the role of my boyfriend, I didn’t respond. If a message started with anything along the lines of, “Hey Beautiful,” I didn’t respond. FWIW, I personally preferred dating apps to dating sites because you had to mutually match before you could contact one another.

    #853889 Reply

    When you listen to the responses (and I’m assuming you are listening and not jumping in, interrupting and talking over the women – but that’s a big if), are you making interested faces or judgy faces? If I told you that my hobby was sheep shearing are you making a “whoa” face or a “wow!” face? Do you ask follow up questions or just ask me for the next thing because sheep shearing isn’t on your list of things you like?

    Are you one upping the women? If they say “I have really be getting into kickboxing” do you say “Oh, well I practice seven different types of martial arts”? Or are you dismissive? “Oh well kickboxing is ok for fitness but if you really want to get into martial arts you have to do what I do: Krav Maga”

    Basically – are you interested in women as people or only as potential partners who can reflect your awesomeness back to you.

    #853891 Reply
    avatarMiss MJ

    This: “My self-confidence is high. I can start a conversation at any time with a woman. I often do so, as well, out in public. I am not a shy person, and am even perceived as a social butterfly.” makes me think that you may come on too strong or as too “on” or too “much” or “selling yourself” when you talk to women and not genuine, even if you are. If you think that’s the case, then try to tone it down a little.

    Also, are you “interviewing” women on these dates? By that I mean, are you running down a checklist to see what you have in common and then ticking off boxes that are a match instead of listening to what they’re saying they’re interested in and having an actual conversation around that topic or others? Because women can tell if you’re genuinely interested in what they have to say or if you’re keeping a mental checklist, and while I appreciate that you have to determine what you have in common to see if you’re compatible, if you’re being obvious about it, then it can be a turn off.

    That’s just me guessing, though. The best thing to do is ask friends how you’re coming across and be prepared to adjust your interaction with women based on their responses, even if they’re unflattering. Also, dating is a numbers game, especially with dating sites and apps and speed dating and all that. It may just be that you haven’t hit upon the right site, app, process for you.

    #853902 Reply

    I think you should stop the interviewing questions and just try to have a natural conversation if you’re at a speed dating event or singles event. You don’t need to have the same hobbies or interests in order to have chemistry.

    #853908 Reply

    I remain confused at how you are taken aback that they seemingly had to think about what they were going to say. If only MORE people thought before speaking.
    You did seem very judgmental here. Did you look judgey as well? If so. That’s your problem! Don’t do that!!

    #853913 Reply

    Okay, something is wrong if you’re getting no luck from your profile OR the speed dating events.

    How are your looks? If your photos were weird, like bathroom mirror selfies, or sunglasses and hat on, or no full-body shot, it could be that, but then women are seeing you in person too. How would you describe your appearance?

    And yeah, too many questions and not enough banter and laughter isn’t good. They may just feel no chemistry.

    I’d have to see your profile to know what the problem is.

    #853916 Reply

    I would also agree with just having a conversation instead of asking an interview type question. The purpose of speed dating isn’t to set up an interview-style encounter. It’s simply to give you an opportunity to meet a bunch of people in a short time — and that increases your odds of meeting someone you might like (especially someone you may not meet otherwise). Just have a regular conversation. You’ll discover interests naturally, like I assume you do with people like friends and co-workers. The questions that you ask in particular are pretty awkward. I think most people hate the “what are your hobbies/interests” question because a lot of people don’t think of how they fill their spare time as “interests,” as much as that’s just how they fill their time. The second question also puts people on the spot.

    I think you need to look at some articles about how to write a dating profile or have friends (or even people who are paid to review them) look at it.

    I”m going to be honest that the things you use to describe yourself “high confidence” and “social butterfly” are not the ways most people would describe themselves, whether true or not. It makes me wonder if you come across as too confident or something. I”m also just tossing this out there, but your writing style on something as casual as a forum seems very formal and almost stilted. Is your profile written this way? Do you talk like this in person?

    #853948 Reply

    Do you have female friends? If you have one who is close and who you trust to answer honestly, I would ask them for advice.

    My guess is that your opening questions both in person and on dating apps are turning people off in the same way. Consider even how you asked this question here. You think you are good at talking to people but then you have trouble talking to women you might date. Like maybe you are treating them as specimens or conquests, not just as people?

    Reminder that women are 50ish% of the population so you aren’t really good at talking to people if you’re only good at talking to men.

    #853950 Reply

    I think – especially if you’re not super good looking – you need to be able to move immediately from the opening questions into an easy and comfortable conversation. You need to be fun to talk to. Like I said above, my guess is you’re not establishing rapport or chemistry at all in these conversations, and don’t have the looks to compensate for it. I have definitely dated guys I wasn’t blown away by looks-wise because they were nice to talk to, funny, fun. And personally when I talk to guys, I laugh a lot and try to have a fun and animated conversation. I don’t ask a ton of questions, just kind of let it flow.

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