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Dear Wendy

How do I properly communicate with women?

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This topic contains 197 replies, has 13 voices, and was last updated by avatar anonymousse 3 hours, 10 minutes ago.

Viewing 12 posts - 109 through 120 (of 198 total)
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  • #854184 Reply
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    Kate
    Keymaster

    Okay, I would recommend you start completely over and write a paragraph that tells someone who you are, what you enjoy, AND what you’re looking for in a relationship.

    You don’t even mention your love of fall and winter activities!

    This stuff is super cliche:

    Hopeless romantic
    simple moments such as long, romantic strolls holding hands, or sitting on a bench by the lake

    I prefer to start slow, as friends, sharing and learning each other’s common interests, as well as discovering new ones, getting to know each other as things develop. – this tells me absolutely nothing.

    This stuff is problematic:

    I am very affectionate, loving to a fault- This sounds like you’d love somebody too much, maybe get into stalker territory. Or let yourself be taken advantage of.

    chivalrous – I read sexist

    caring and kind-hearted, genuine, and honest. – usually people who say they’re kind or honest aren’t either.

    I’m not one for putting up fronts or the initial masks; what you see is what you get. – same thing, makes me suspicious.

    I hope to ultimately end up in a committed relationship, but am equally open to making a new friend, as well – no need to mention friends. Also, what does that committed relationship look like? Tell us more.

    I hope to hear from you – Just anybody? Or a woman who loves fall and winter activities as much as you do?

    #854185 Reply
    Skyblossom
    Skyblossom
    Participant

    This

    “I hope to ultimately end up in a committed relationship, but am equally open to making a new friend, as well.”

    could be cut to

    “My goal is a committed relationship.”

    Be precise and concise. The wishy washy words weaken what you say.

    #854187 Reply
    Skyblossom
    Skyblossom
    Participant

    Not trying to be mean but I find it kind of humorous that you say you are a hopeless romantic but actually you are only a hopeless romantic if she wants to go to all of the same Christmas activities that you do. Otherwise you’ll dump her quick. Your words don’t match what you actually do.

    #854188 Reply
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    Robert123
    Member

    Okay, now for some individual responses.

    BTW, if I fail to mention you in this response, it’s not because I am ignoring your suggestion. You all are very helpful, and I’ll be reading your responses multiple times, and very well might be posting more responses. There are so many great suggestions to absorb.

    Vathena: Were you looking for me to post the answers to those, or were those for me to think about more than anything else? I have no problem answering those questions. Also, not all of the Christmas events are in my (or surrounding) towns. Many are 1 or 2 or even 3 hours away. That’s how much I enjoy them.

    CurlyQue, Skyblossom: Proof that I am not communicating properly. I actually do want a long term relationship. That is a big part of why I am so lonely right now. But, with no one on the horizon, that is not happening in the next three weeks. Right now, it’s about not letting the ideal be the enemy of the good. It stands to reason that some of the single women I am encountering are just as lonely as I am right now. Even if we’re not “the match” long-term, if we both enjoy Christmas things and would enjoy them more with someone to enjoy them *with*, then we have helped each other out and made some Christmas memories. Maybe we can make friends out of each other. If we are the right match. then hooray! There are no losers in that situation, however it goes.

    Easy example. I want kids, but if a woman came along who did not want kids, who was not dating anyone, who avidly shared my interest in Christmas parades and lights, then shy not enjoy Christmas things together?

    Several made comments about friends. First off, I have had close friends, or at least I thought they were close, but they got married or in long term relationships, and quit talking. Currently, I have a few acquaintances, I have neighbors who I am chummy with (I live in a large apartment complex), but no one close enough, or even who shares my interest in the things I like to do. I am an only child; so is my father; my mother had a sister (she has passed on) who never married, so there are no cousins, and I have never met anyone on other branches of my family tree. My parents enjoy things that I do; that’s where I got it from, I just took it to the next level as an adult as I enjoy those things on my own; but my parents are not very mobile anymore. Point being, family isn’t an option, either, though that would help with the company.

    Having a friend along, especially a female friend, would be a tremendous help, as I could share the interest with him or her, but no romance is bothering me just as much as her company. Things like holding hands as we stroll through the light show or walk around town admiring the decorated windows in the various businesses, or having our arms wrapped around each other as we await the start of the parade, playing with her hair, her head in my shoulder, sitting in my lap. All of this out of bounds of friendship, and I am lonely for it.

    Kate used a better word in her comparison with Disney Dave — lifestyle. To Skyblossom and SpaceySteph, Dave’s love of Disney is like me with Christmas things. My interest in that GROWS every year. Every single season I find another event that I want to do, and at this point in my life I cannot get to all of them. Last year, I went to 16 Christmas parades and more than a dozen light shows. When I am 70+ and retired and don’t need to work any more you can easily double that. Unless I am bedridden in a nursing home I will be doing this. That’s why motorized wheelchairs were invented. That’s why my wife needs to basically be on board, as that is a lifestyle that I will be bringing into any marriage.

    haunted houses, on the other hand, I could see myself becoming less interested in future decades, or maybe not, so there is room for compromise there. Still, for right now and the foreseeable future, any October date will include a haunted house. Another lifestyle of mine that I bring into a relationship. That’s why I look for someone to be on board there, too.

    Note, the two together are 1/4 of the year, hence the importance I place on them. I’m too interested in both to give them up.

    I will fully consider the meetup thing.

    There is a singles meetup in my area that meets every other Saturday for a dance. I am 45, and the one time I went I was the youngest person there of EITHER gender, no exaggeration, by at least 10 years.

    Oh, to answer another question one of you had, I was in one LTR, for nearly 20 months, when I was 27/28/29. I think we were made for each other when we both met, but we both changed, unfortunately apart, but didn’t start to see it until the last 4 months or so we were together. It was our drive / ambition; I always did have a little more then she did, but over time my drive went up and her’s went down, and neither one of us could deal with it int he other. The breakup was mutual. I have dated before and since, anywhere from one date to a couple of months, but nothing that rose to calling each other boyfriend and girlfriend. I’ve taken some time off at various points to focus on myself, though most recently I’ve been out there for about 3 years, and can count on one had the number of dates I’ve had in the last 5. Through the course of life I’ve learned about myself the qualities I want in a woman, and so I look for them. I guess I see no point in waiting months to learn something that can be found out in 10 minutes, hence I seem to have slipped into an interview style introduction.

    #854189 Reply
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    Kate
    Keymaster

    “I see no point in waiting months to learn something that can be found out in 10 minutes, hence I seem to have slipped into an interview style introduction.“

    This is what i don’t get though. You don’t seem to be mentioning your true interests – your lifestyle if you will – at all in your profile OR your speed dating pitch.

    #854190 Reply
    Skyblossom
    Skyblossom
    Participant

    Put your love of haunted houses and Christmas parades and lights into your profile. Give a potential date an idea of what the two of you could be doing together. Somebody will think it sounds like fun.

    Why not start a Christmas lights and Christmas parades meetup group. You could at least go and do the things you want with other enthusiastic people. A group could be fun. You could enjoy the holiday and let it take the pressure off the dating situation. At the same time keep trying to find a date. You can do both at once. Couples can go to meetup events so if you found someone you could take her along. You wouldn’t need to list every parade and every light show on meetup so if you did meet someone you wanted to date you would have things for the two of you to do together without the meetup group.

    #854191 Reply
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    Robert123
    Member

    Kate: I guess I should have mentioned, online I made a list under it with my interests. I change out the seasonal ones to whatever they are that time of year, and right now haunted houses and Christmas parades and lights are two of them (I’ll drop the haunted houses at the end of the month). It was suggested to me that long profiles are less likely to be read in full this day in age, so putting the interests in list form is the compromise between getting them out there and keeping the profile itself concise.

    In March, for instance, it’s coming up on miniature golf and hiking season, etc., so I mention those, and can take my time finding out about haunted houses and Christmas events, since they are so many months away.

    In speed dating, I’ve just been asking about those directly, hence part of how I’ve been coming off as interviewing.

    I can make a full list in the doc if you’d like.

    #854192 Reply
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    Kate
    Keymaster

    Yeah, can you just show us the whole thing? Literally screenshots?

    Like I said, that paragraph needs a re-write, but I sense there are other issues.

    #854196 Reply
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    PDX816

    I didn’t see anything off-putting in your profile. I haven’t used many online dating, but the profiles that caught my eye were ones with something unique. One guy I messaged had a quote, another wrote a ‘bad pickup line just to get it out of the way.’
    I do wild horse photography, so I’ve added that to mine. I liked your list, but I would want to know more before I messaged you. What makes you special? you sound like a decent guy on here, no red flags from your posts.
    My advise as someone ‘out there’ would be to add a uniqueness to it, not all women will respond, but you don’t need all women.

    #854198 Reply
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    Robert123
    Member

    I added the full list to the doc. I may add if I think of more, but that’s most of it.

    Also, I added two of the photographs I have in my profile. I used my camera’s self-timer, so they’re not as good as they would be if photographer and subject were two different people. I’d like to look in to hiring a professional female photographer for a day so I can get some good shots that a female would see as flattering and in a wider variety of outfits, but I know that will cost $$$.

    If you can sense that there are other issues then obviously the other women can, as well, and they are obviously screaming in person. What are you wondering?

    #854199 Reply
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    Robert123
    Member

    Kate: There’s not much else, just stuff like eye color, height, other yes/no questions.

    Or is that what you are trying to see?

    #854201 Reply
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    PDX816

    Robert, there is no need to hire a professional photographer. Just make sure EVERY picture isn’t of you at a bar or with another woman (yes, it happens). I load pictures solo and the selfies I take with friends. Go more casual then professional in my opinion.

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