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Dear Wendy

How do I properly communicate with women?

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  • #854429 Reply

    Robert Would you be willing to consider a partner who loves you and is a companion day in and day out who does some of your activities with you but also opts out at least half of the time. As others have said, women have a lot of work at holidays. You may have the time and the interest to do all of these things. A woman is likely thinking about a holiday menu and what things she can buy ahead and what has to be bought just before the holiday. She is thinking of buying and wrapping gifts. She is thinking about holiday travel. If she also already has kids she will want to do things with them too. It will be very hard to find someone who is willing to invest all of their free time on your interest.

    If you were willing to start a meetup group you would always have people to do your activities and sometimes you girlfriend/wife would join you. Sometimes she would do other things. That would let you have the companionship that would keep you from being lonely but also let you have your interests at the holiday.

    #854431 Reply

    At a minimum Robert, you should watch Queer Eye to pick up some fashion tips. There are more up to date ways to look dressed up.

    You seem like a really nice guys so I feel bad saying this, but I’d feel suffocated between the amount of shows and activities you want a partner to attend and the “romantic” touching.

    I think it’d behoove you to lighten the language you’re using and adjust expectations.

    Nobody has brought it up yet, but you also mention you want a family. I’m not sure what that means to you, but you’re 45. So?!? Something has got to give. If you were able to find someone able to have children, you’d have to give up a lot of shows and activities while your children were babies/young. If you found a woman with kids, she’d have school and activity obligations. Idk. It seems like a lot. Unless you’re ok with a partner sans kids?

    #854434 Reply

    Yes, you need to adjust your expectations. You need to be more realistic. Maybe it is the extreme pickiness that has led you to be single for a long time, Robert. When you write about the woman you want, it’s not so much about who she is- you really do not write about the kind of person you want to date, you write about how you want someone to be completely devoted to you and your interests. There’s not going to be a woman who is going to fill that role for you right off the bat, and perhaps not at all if you rule so many out for not being obsessed with holiday light shows like you are.

    I believe you said you did see someone for a bit, but she said the light shows were boring. If I’m being honest, I don’t see the appeal myself.

    I feel like you’re holding on to an idea of what a relationship is- one you see in romantic Christmas movies, and that’s just not realistic.

    #854437 Reply

    I do start to get a vibe here that you’re not interested in women as people, but as potential players in your fantasy Christmas romance movie. Like you’re auditioning actors. Like I definitely don’t think you’re a woman-hating creep, but I do think women aren’t people to you. You’re not interested in who they are, just how into light shows they are.

    #854438 Reply

    Ok,I guess with all the advice,ideas that have been presented here-the bottom line is this: If you are lonely,want a relationship badly ,and are serious about finding one-you will need to throw out some of your rigid and unrealistic ideas and let go of some silly notions you have about love and being a partner to someone.
    Be open,listen more than you talk and be ready to compromise. You may not get all that you have listed in your head,but you could find someone to love and be loved by. It may not “look like” what you thought it would but what you are doing now is not working for you.. And work on the wardrobe.
    Plus at your age ,if you want your own kids ( not sure it is a good idea at this point) -it will be a huge change,especially if you are set in your ways. You will need to find a younger woman too and they won’t put up with a lot of nonsense! I really hope you will take it all of the great advice received and make the changes.

    #854440 Reply

    I noticed you wrote that you wore the teal shirt and dark blue chinos that we all liked. I do remember a few saying the teal was a nice color, but I don’t think any of us told you that was an outfit we were into. It’s like you’re agreeable, but then doing it all your same old way. Which is fine, it’s your prerogative, but I do think you’d have more luck if you’d try the profile edits we’ve suggested and got a new outfit. The clothes in the images makes you look older than you are, and the loafers do too. It’s a little funny you wrote that laced shoes make you think of a grandpa, because your style sense really ages you.

    My husband is actually a few years older than you but he looks much, much younger because of the clothes he wears. I hope you know, I’m not trying to degrade your choices but spur you to try some newer looks. The Netflix show Queer Eye is really great for outfit inspiration.

    I do think it would be smart to start your own singles meet up group for the holiday stuff. You should even tailor your profile to exactly who you are, and what kind of lady you’re hoping to meet. Make a profile being explicit about what you want. Use pictures of you from these light shows you go to.

    But I also want to remind you, that the likelihood that you will meet a single woman who is into light shows in the way you are is slim. It’s highly unusual to be this obsessed with a thing. It’s also a huge time commitment during the darkest times of the year. I think you’re being unreasonable for being so strict about this one thing. You feel lonely, but the way to find someone and start a relationship is to widen your search and be less strict with your requirements, especially as you age. Instead, your search is very, very narrow.

    I really do think seeing a therapist for a few sessions could help you open your mind up to dating women without the exact same obsession you have.

    #854446 Reply

    How did the speed dating go, Robert?

    Regarding the clothes. I agree you could stand to modernize your wardrobe a bit, but I am not someone who would pass on a guy for not being a great dresser. Many (most?) of my friends are the same way. I would, however, find it odd and off-putting if the man I was dating didn’t dress situationally appropriate (e.g., dress clothes for a haunted house).

    “I actually got red so that I can create a romantic look against black pants” What does this even mean? Truly, I am curious, what do “romantic” and “romance” mean to you?

    I also agree that therapy may be beneficial if you are looking for long-term companionship. I don’t think it’s uncommon for people to try to check boxes off a checklist when meeting potential partners, and I think this is especially true when you meet someone online. For maybe six months or so before I met my current boyfriend, I worked with my therapist on my checklist mentality and I’m glad I did. It’d be a shame if you passed on an otherwise great partner for you because she didn’t want to go to a dozen light shows.

    #854450 Reply

    A lot to think about.

    The type of affection that I describe is the affection that I see all around me on a daily basis. Couples are actually doing it, and I did it as well with my XGF, and it being around me all the time is a constant reminder of how lonely I feel. I truly am goad that they are happy and in love, I just want the same.

    I am not suggesting that her head *must* be in my shoulder, I said it could be if she so desires. My ex did that a lot. I felt good and so did she. The affection is one of the things that she (and I) liked about our relationship, and I had no fear whatsoever of begin abandoned. The affection was one of the things that made her feel loved.

    I am looking for an affectionate woman, but I would absolutely respect her wish if she did not like affection in public, or if she didn’t like certain types of affection in general. Most of the women I’ve encountered enjoy having their hair played with and being embraced. I guess I’ve just encountered very few who dislike it.

    I was planning on stopping at Target this week to get an outfit. I have another event Friday night. BTW, I was not wearing chinos, I was wearing actual dress pants.

    I guess I failed to pay attention to fashion trends for some time. I will get some chinos and a patterned button front for the next event, but that is quite casual for me. I guess I have to do it to make my first impression.

    A lot of my interest in light shows was developed while being single, though they initially started in dating in my 20s. My ex went to the haunted houses with me because I liked them; she enjoyed the experience overall, but she scared in them and I did not, and she did tell me that it wore on her a bit. She was, however, right with me on the Christmas things, she could see scores of them all season long. Everyone is different, so I guess over time I learned to look for a woman who enjoys those things. In my early 30s I took a couple of years off from dating to focus on myself, but I ended up missing a lot of Christmas things. Somewhere along the line something clicked with me that the idea that i couldn’t do Christmas things without a girlfriend was absurd, and so I went, whether I was dating anyone or not. Just that now, I get so much joy for myself from doing these things that I want to share the joy and the fun with someone. A lot of these events have become traditions with me, and I just want to share them.

    Skyblossom: I don’t want to “drag” her to events; I would be appreciative of her company whenever she did come, but especially if she is my wife, that means that she is my family, so yes it would feel a little lonely if she *chose* not to come.

    Having said that, being self-employed, my schedule is far more flexible than 90+% of the working age population. Plus, I worked out my finances so that I only need to work 10 months to get a year’s income and savings, so I know going in that she will bot be able to come with me 75% of the time, just from the fact that she does not own her own time. I am not delusional about that one. Keep in mind, if we are husband and wife, it would be partly my responsibility to get those tasks done, too — it’s not all on her exclusively.

    ktfran: I know that things will change once kids are born. At the same time, families are at the parades, too, even families with infants, so it would not go to zero, either. I’d eventually like to share what I’ve found with kids in addition to my wife.

    Having kids is something i am not giving up on. One thing I look for is a woman who wants kids also.

    Anonymousse: Maybe I am expressing too much of a focus on the one thing. the Christmas season is just about to start, and I guess it’s hitting me especially hard this year. The meetup group idea seems interesting, but it’s not just companionship, but romance, that I am missing, too. My mindset is different during the spring and summer. I am big into the summer festivals, too, but those are spaced out for several months, so not the urgency that I am feeling right now.

    Kate: If you are getting that vibe over the internet, obviously others are in person, too. Is it because the Christmas things are on my mind? Is it something else?

    That statement kind of hit me like whiplash, in a way. Women are people. I don’t see it any differently. I’m not sure what kind of an explanation I can offer on that one.

    #854451 Reply

    Copa: I am not sure how it went. It seems as though I should have gotten an email by now with some matches. I’ll give it until tomorrow morning then I’ll send an email to inquire.

    One question for you, what if your boyfriend suggested a nice restaurant to go for dinner on the same date as the haunted house? I ask, because I am that way, when I look for places to go to dinner on a date, I tend to gravitate toward nicer places; not formal, but classy-casual, or casual-elegant type places, to which one would normally dress up a little.

    I’ll get back to you with an answer on what romance means. I know the idea, but can;t come up with the words. It’s more of a feeling than a bunch of words.

    #854456 Reply

    Hi Robert. I second the suggestion of considering therapy. I think your expectations and approaches are somehow rigid, and maybe some talk with a psychologist or a counselor may help you to relax a little bit.

    I don’t know what you consider as romantic, but some deconstruction of the ideas of romantic love may help you.

    I think you need to seriously consider what you need and what you can actually get. Don’t get me wrong, but I think that finding someone so fixated on Xmas parade is highly unlikely. I mean. You say you have the time and financial freedom to do it, but it is not realistic to expect that a potential partner would have the same. Children, even if the woman still studies or have some interests beyond going out all nights. Imagine dating an artist, whose work sometimes requires long nights working. Or a nurse with night shifts. Or someone who simply prefers having cozy nights under blankets. Maybe they are great potential partners, but are you ditching them just because they can’t go to the same amount of parades you want to go?

    I think that may help to redirect the focus on values, instead of hobbies.

    #854463 Reply

    “ Kate: If you are getting that vibe over the internet, obviously others are in person, too. Is it because the Christmas things are on my mind? Is it something else?”

    It’s because you’re so singularly focused on this vision in your head of what a relationship must look like, that you’re only open to someone who fits into that like the perfect puzzle piece.

    You don’t even care about real actual deal-breakers like her not wanting kids and you wanting them. I didn’t/don’t want kids, and I NEVER would have dated a guy who did, because that’s a complete wast of time. We’d never be compatible. A guy I was kind of into told me after 3 dates that he couldn’t date me because he really wanted kids (he was at least 40), and I was a solid maybe. And he was 100% right!

    And look, I think you have tunnel vision and blinders on, only seeing what you want to see, that fits into your picture. I mean, bullshit on what you said above about PDA. I live in Boston. I take public transportation all the time, weekdays and weekends. I go out to restaurants and bars all the time. I myself am in a happy relationship. Most couples are NOT embracing and stroking each other all the time. Lots of couples have their own little ways of showing affection that don’t look like what you’re describing. You see it because it’s what you want to see.

    Like the fashion stuff too. You’re my age, I think, and you look like you got stuck in the 90s when we came of age. You’re claiming you don’t see anything different. It’s because you don’t pay attention. It’s all around you, but you only see what you want to see.

    You said you would only want to keep talking to a woman who *spontaneously* expressed a huge enthusiastic interest in haunted houses and light shows, when asked generally about her interests. You said if she didn’t, it would be a waste of time to keep talking to her. Like you couldn’t possibly have a pleasant conversation or find her interesting or want to get to know her if she didn’t come right out with loving Christmas fairs and corn mazes.

    THAT is why I don’t think you really see women as individual people. You only see exactly what you want to see, and you’re probably passing women over all the time who could bring lots of wonderful things to the table. Because you literally do not care about anything but checking the boxes of “loves festivities” and “wants to touch a lot.”


    #854464 Reply

    PS, just tactically, you may have to try pants on at Target for fit but then order the longer length online. My Target doesn’t carry men’s pants longer than 32, but it’s a small urban Target. Maybe yours does. I am pretty sure they have free shipping or ship to store for pickup.

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