Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

How do I properly communicate with women?

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  • #854466 Reply

    One time my boyfriend and I went to a Michelin-starred restaurant after we’d gone to the city zoo. It was unplanned, the restaurant happened to be on our walk back to my place. We were both wearing jeans and hoodies. They sat us in the back and it became an inside joke. The restaurant is on one of my dog walk routes and when we pass it we’ll laugh about the property dressed folks in the window. Generally speaking, though, if we do a casual activity, any meals will also be more casual. If we do a nice dinner, that is main activity. We did a pumpkin farm on Saturday, dinner was a neighborhood Thai place. For his birthday, we did a Michelin starred restaurant and did a bar then dinner in our nice clothes.

    I take public transit daily and couples who are affectionate like you describe are outliers. At most I might see hand holding. I had one boyfriend who drove me nuts because he was always trying to manufacture romantic moments. Like we’d be grocery shopping and he’d want to be affectionate while I was reading nutrition labels or whatever. I’d ask him to stop. I wanted to do my errand and head home, not make out in the frozen aisle.

    Also, nobody is saying you can’t share light shows with a girlfriend. What people are saying is that light shows have become you dealbreaker to your own detriment. You say you went to 16 shows last year and want to do more, and that’s fine. But you also mention one woman got bored of the shows and dating her was a waste of time. It’s highly unlikely you’ll find a woman who wants to go to this many. It’d be hard to accommodate even if she wanted to. The holidays are incredibly busy for most people with family obligations, holiday parties, work events, shopping, wrapping up work to take time off, travel. But you wouldn’t be content if the woman you’re seeing didn’t want to go to enough of these for your liking. It’s going to be a hard box to check off your checklist the way you’re approaching it, and a rather silly thing to get hung up on if what you seek is a long term companion.

    #854467 Reply

    And Robert, I’m not trying to be mean, but corn mazes and haunted houses and Christmas parades are, in themselves, just a bunch of commercial bullshit. So is Disney. So is some of the stuff I like, like mass market fiction and makeup. It’s not like, for some good cause, or a way to make a living, or even beneficial in the sense of getting exercise. I guess maybe it’s good for our own mental health, or you could be supporting local businesses, but at the end of the day it’s just pasttimes. It’s not some noble cause.

    If you take a step back, isn’t it kind of ridiculous to make a lifestyle out of some silly crap that business owners put out there to make a buck? Isn’t it kind of shallow to only want to talk to women who love that stuff? I mean, could you see it that way at all? I just think you got stuck in a rut a long time ago and it could help you to shake out of it.

    #854468 Reply

    Don’t get chinos, get a pair of dark skinny/straight leg jeans. With no pleats.

    The meetup suggestion was meant for you to share your interest, but also meet other singles, hopefully.
    People know other people. You need to expand your circle, not contract it.

    #854474 Reply

    Hey – not everyone can be all sainted and work for the betterment of society, goodness knows I don’t use my downtime for selfless pursuits.

    That said, you have to decide if your passion is more important than a relationship. If you found a nice charming woman who was up for 1 or 2 holiday parades but was like “eh, it’s cold and crowded and I’d rather meet up with you for dinner.” would you be like “Nope! Gonna hold out for Holiday Parade Queen!”? Or would you mope and not go by yourself? Or would you go and meet up for dinner and be ok with that?

    #854475 Reply

    I suggest you start a meetup group as an addition to dating and getting into a serious relationship. I see the two as complimentary. You can have love and romance and share your interests with a woman but she isn’t likely to want to do your activities as frequently as you do. The meetup group would fill the gap between the quantity she liked and the quantity you like. The group would have people who loved to do the things that you are describing. You would have people who were happy to go and do your activities. Probably none of those people would go to every activity. They wouldn’t have the time or resources or interest but there would be enthusiastic people to go to every event, just not exactly the same people. Over time, you would get to know those people who went the most frequently and they would become your friends. Meetup would be a way to broaden your social circle. A way to find friends with a mutual interest. They would be friends to share holiday activities with and to go out to dinner with. They would people who you would likely find fun to be around because they liked the same things that you like.

    If dating didn’t go well you might also, over time, find that some woman who went to the activities always seemed to gravitate toward you and to be interested in you and the two of you might end up dating. For some people, casually meeting potential dates works better than the formal events.

    #854479 Reply

    Robert, one thing to think about in dating or hiring or job hunting or buying a house, is the issue of selection pressure. Every requirement reduces your ability to select for something else. If a woman will only date tall men, she may have less ability to be selective about career or education or personality. If a guy won’t date women over 30,he may have less ability to select for kindness or intelligence.

    Now, some requirements may be really important to you. But part of the dating process is learning what you can be flexible about.The woman who will only date tall men, may decide that she can tolerate someone who is 5″10 or 5″11 who meets her other criteria.

    Only dating people who want to go to tons and tons of holiday events is a pretty severe restriction and I would encourage you to maybe relaxing it at the outset to see if it opens up your dating pool.

    #854482 Reply

    If a potential date realizes that you are wanting to do at least 20 activities in the next few months she will likely refuse to date at all.

    When you talk about taking things slowly that means talk about a single date and general interests. See if you can find one thing to do that is fairly casual and free of pressure to see if the two of you like each other. She will be trying to decide if she wants to go on one date with you. She would use that one date to see if she wanted to go on a second date with you. After a third date she decides whether she wants to try actually dating a little more and maybe getting into a relationship with you. You have to let that process happen. If it sounds like you are pushing for anything more than a brief, nice to meet you, date at some place like a coffee shop or a bar then most women will say no.

    Don’t start with a formal restaurant. Women want a place where they feel that it is easy to end the date and leave if they feel it isn’t going well. A restaurant doesn’t meet that need. That’s why you need to start with a coffee shop or a bar. Expect no more than a half hour to an hour. Expect it to be casual and the two of you chat a little to get to know each other. Don’t volunteer to pick her up. She doesn’t know you and won’t want you to know where she lives just in case you are more of a stalker guy than a nice boyfriend type guy. We know you aren’t a stalker but women have to be cautious.

    #854484 Reply

    Robert-I was just thinking that you got “invested” in these holiday shows when you were younger and at times when you were on your own and lonely. So maybe,just maybe, if you found someone/allowed yourself to forget some of your strictures and be more open,then being with her, no matter what you were doing,would satisfy whatever going to the shows gives you.
    Instead of her needing to fit into the narrow holiday and activity box- that the right person will help you feel joy and excitement that does not need to be manufactured by these activities. The shows could be fun and enhance things,but not be the most important endgame. Kind of the reverse of what you are focused on now-instead “The woman for me needs to love the holiday shows,all of them,all of the time”-it becomes “Here is a lovely person that I feel good with and enjoy being around-a holiday show to share with her would be fun,a bonus,but really,whatever we do together makes me happy”. That is the mind shift that I think would be helpful to make.

    #854489 Reply

    Can we get back to this non-negotiable of kids/family? You’re 45!!! You’re going to have to date a woman that is 5+ years younger than you. Good luck. And yes, I realize babies and children can attend your events. We take my nieces and nephew to lots of things. But they won’t be able to do 20+ events a season.

    I also agree about what others have said about PDA. I regularly take public transportation and walk. What you’re describing is not the norm for everyday life.

    You just seem to have a lot of non-negotiables that seem a little unrealistic.

    #854495 Reply

    OK, I missed the part where Robert shared his age, but if a person is 45, single, and wants a family – yes, something has to give and should revisit their dealbreakers.

    Robert, if you met an otherwise fantastic woman who shared your larger life values and goals was happy to go to a couple holiday events with you each year, but either didn’t want to or couldn’t go to more, would that be enough? I ask because 16+ events per season could easily take up every weekend throughout the holidays and not leave much time for anything else. Would you be willing to decrease your attendance at these events to participate in any of *her* favorite holiday traditions? Would you be open to creating new traditions together that meshed holiday events you both love? You don’t have to answer ‘aloud’ to me, obviously, but I do think it’s worthwhile to think about these questions.

    #854521 Reply

    If he’s 6’2″ he can find someone to have a family with. Plenty of 35 year old women would rather date a tall guy who is ten years older than a short guy her age.

    #854522 Reply

    I do agree that he needs to rethink his dealbreakers.

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