- This topic has 1,137 replies, 26 voices, and was last updated 2 months ago by Pandora.
- October 8, 2019 at 9:44 am #853953
There is a lot here to reply to. I would like to reply to all of your individual points, but I’ll start broadly.
Your comments, generally, seem to solidify the idea that I am coming across as interviewing. I only have 5 minutes to work with, so I do feel a little pressure from the time constraint, even though I am not nervous in the conversation itself. I also cannot name everyone as a match, so given the time constraint I need to find the common ground quickly, as well as leave time for *her* to ask questions, as well.
In the online world, initial messages always make reference to any common ground I see in their profile, and is different for every woman. What other kind of message is there to write?
I will admit something, I am feeling a bit of urgency, in that I am big into Christmas parades, light shows, and other Holiday activities, that start up in early November, and I do not want to face yet another Holiday season with no girlfriend to share them with. Friends aren’t exactly cutting it anymore; the friendship part of a relationship is half of what I am missing, but I am equally missing the romantic half, too.October 8, 2019 at 9:51 am #853955anonymousseParticipant
Stop going to speed dating events. Join an app. All the kids are on dating apps these days.
If you’re desperate for a gf to have for the holidays, that comes off. No one wants to fill a role for you, they want to meet someone they are also into. So, stop with the interview questions and just try to have an easy, natural conversation.October 8, 2019 at 9:51 am #853956
Yes, and what do you look like?October 8, 2019 at 10:12 am #853957EssieParticipant
“I will admit something, I am feeling a bit of urgency, in that I am big into Christmas parades, light shows, and other Holiday activities, that start up in early November, and I do not want to face yet another Holiday season with no girlfriend to share them with. ”
This is your problem. Right here. You’re approaching finding a girlfriend like you’re buying a TV, and you’ve got to have that TV before the Super Bowl.
That’s not how relationships work. You can’t schedule finding a girlfriend. There’s got to be some kind of spark, some kind of emotional connection, and you can’t get that with an interview and a list of things you have in common.
You may find a woman who’s willing to go to a Christmas parade with you that way, but you won’t find a girlfriend.
Here’s just one woman’s perspective: I’ve never used a dating site or app, and speed dating events feel like a meat market to me. I’d never go to one. All the relationships I’ve had have been people I’ve met in the course of living my life. Coworkers, friends of friends, guys I’ve met in classes. Guys I got to know over time. But then I’ve never had that “I have to find a boyfriend NOW” attitude. If someone came into my life that seemed like a romantic possibility, yay. But I didn’t go looking for it.
Maybe that’s what will work for you. Keeping an open mind about the people around you. And instead of wanting to have a girlfriend in time for the holidays, why not see those events as something nice to take a date to? The best first date I ever had was a Christmas light show.October 8, 2019 at 10:18 am #853958CopaParticipant
When you’re desperate, it shows. It’s the reason you’re inadvertently interviewing your dates to fill the open role in your life, rather than getting to know people for who they are with an open mind. People can tell when they’re being ‘interviewed.’ I was single for the first time as an adult at 28, and jumped into online dating but quickly realized I needed to take the time to figure my shit out. So I did. I created a life for myself that I loved and stopped caring as much that I was single. Dating stopped feeling like an urgent priority, I no longer felt like I was trying to fill a hole, and it all felt easier.
If you can’t have a natural conversation with someone during speed dating, try to meet women elsewhere. Again, I’ve never speed dated, but what you’re describing sounds like you’re trying too hard to structure the time you’re allotted instead of just letting things flow. Are you open to joining a class or club or something? For example, I go to a gym with only small group classes. I wasn’t looking to meet anyone there, I signed up purely out of interest. I met two guys that way, and know three couples that met there.October 8, 2019 at 10:20 am #853960
I am 6’2″, average build, brown hair, medium skinned.October 8, 2019 at 10:22 am #853961
I actually think there are a lot of women out there feeling the same way about the holidays, tbh. I’m not one of them, but there are a lot. Even so, no one wants to sense desperation, so you need to take a step back and stop the search and the interviewing. When you are messaging with someone, you can definitely ask like are they looking forward to the holidays or what are their favorite things about fall/winter, activities they enjoy. However, I’m sensing something is wrong with your profile that you need to address first.October 8, 2019 at 10:24 am #853962
Ok that sounds like nothing is holding you back looks-wise if you’re telling the truth, so that makes me think even more that you’re being boring and unengaging. And that something is off with your profile.October 8, 2019 at 10:25 am #853963
If you want to link to it, we can totally tell you.October 8, 2019 at 10:29 am #853964
Is there a document site where I can copy and paste it into a document for public viewing? I hesitate to put it on here as it can show up in a google search if someone tries to google my profile to see if it is cut and pasted.October 8, 2019 at 10:33 am #853965CopaParticipant
In the online world, initial messages always make reference to any common ground I see in their profile, and is different for every woman.
This is, generally speaking, good. However, I’d sometimes get messages that would read, “I read your profile and we have a lot in common!” I always found those off-putting. In those cases, it wasn’t that what was being said was inherently bad or wrong, but I’d hate how it was phrased. I know it’s not the most natural thing, but the tone had to be right in the initial messages. I wish I still had my profiles set up so I could copy/paste examples of intro messages that I genuinely liked receiving. I might see if I can resurrect them later.October 8, 2019 at 10:42 am #853966
Essie: Yes, going on a date to those events is fine, even if she is not yet my girlfriend.
It’s not all about me, either. I have gone to these same events for quite a few years by myself, so I have figured out a number of fun outings, and I want to share the fun. I want to show someone a fun day, and a romantic experience for her, as well.