Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

How do I properly communicate with women?

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  • #855315 Reply

    Building on LadyE’s point, and this may be outside of Wendy’s rewrite, but I would caution everyone not to select an income where Match (not sure about Bumble, it’s after my time) gives you the option. Either it’s high and people judge you for that, or it’s low and they judge the other way. Just leave it blank. I do think it’s good to mention something about your career in your “about me,” and in your case the flexible schedule and WFH could be a plus. You don’t want the first thing you say to be “I’m ambitious,” but you can talk career in there somewhere.

    #855353 Reply

    Bumble didn’t have that feature when I was on it, but it seems the app has changed since and now has some Q&A features that weren’t there before.

    Robert, what kind of area are you in? I ask because I liked (relatively speaking) back in 2012, before dating apps, in the suburbs of another state. A few years later I was single again and in a major city, I tried Match again (twice — a couple years apart) and HATED it. Pickings felt oddly slim and the men I was interested in meeting were almost exclusively in the suburbs of my city. The apps had higher quality men and more options. I eventually came across an article in a local newspaper that had data on which dating sites and apps were the most popular locally, and it showed apps trumped sites, and as far as sites went, was not popular. It confirmed what I’d experienced anecdotally and I was not surprised by the findings. All this to say, if you can find out which sites or apps are more popular in your area, you can focus your efforts there (particularly if you are paying for a service).

    • This reply was modified 3 weeks, 6 days ago by CopaCopa.
    #855364 Reply

    The first pair of shoes are ok but a little boring. The second are too orthopedic looking for a casual shoe. Go to Zappos. They have a better selection of wide shoes. Don’t be scared of spending $100 on a pair of shoes, you wear em 3 days a week for a year you are under $1 a wear. Shoe math!

    As for my comment, I didn’t mean you are specifically looking for a woman set in her ways. Rather a woman in her late 30’s or 40’s is set in her ways. She has her preferences, her likes and dislikes. She should know her mind and be willing to ask for what she wants.

    #855382 Reply

    TheLadyE: Your comments on the career / job made me think of something. I’ve been asked about that at speed dating events. Right now, my business is delivery, but I am in the process of changing careers into something far more professional, that I have a true passion for, and have 100% ownership of my time. I have told a few women about it last year and earlier this year, but the idea that we are not talking anymore has made me just want to keep that to myself. When asked at speed dating events or online, I try to say I am running a delivery business, for now, but that I plan to be making a change. Then I am asked what I am going in to, and my answer is that there are several paths I can go, and I’ll figure that out while I’m enjoying the Holidays and implement a plan after the first of the year. Based upon your comments, I am wondering if that is giving someone pause.

    Until things really get going, I very much want to keep that to myself. I’m tired of telling someone only for them to stop talking to me. It’s something that I am excited about but do not feel the need to blab it. On the other hand — I’ll use this example — a woman at one of the recent speed dating events is a pediatrician. How does a delivery business sound attractive to someone with a professional career like that? I am not sure now how to handle that dilemma.

    Anonymousse: I see that I communicated in general terms, but what I said actually was how it was with my ex. There were a lot of dates on which I literally did not care what we did. She would almost never pick something, though, so I basically picked every time. I do remember one date on which we went out to dinner and walked around a Wal Mart for a while. While many would not find this interesting, I was happy because I was spending time with her. She was too. Maybe I need to communicate that idea in my profile.

    Kate: It never occurred tome to mention the flexible hours anywhere in the profile. I can see why you suggested it.

    Copa: I’ll keep your suggestion in mind, though I plan to do a little of both. The major city in my area has a population around 350,000, and I live in a suburb in the same county outside the city limits 2 towns away, still in the city’s mass transit zone. The county population is a little over a million.

    LisForLeslie: Thanks for the clarification, though women in their 20s is also within my search criteria.

    #855385 Reply

    Clarification: If someone I was dating got serious, I would tell her about my career change. I am just tired of blabbing it to basically random strangers.

    #855394 Reply

    I’m a little confused, because you seem to be suggesting that you’re actively making a career transition, but you’re not saying what it is and obviously you’re being super vague with women who ask. You could handle this a lot better. Your profile should probably say you’re a small business owner who works hard and is goal-oriented, but has flexibility around his time. I’m assuming you’re an independent courier who has an LLC for tax purposes? That’s what my brother does. So just state that and own it. Yeah, professional women can be kind of elitist, but if you’re not spinning it well, that’s definitely not to your advantage. When you immediately say you’re changing careers but then say lots of paths are open, it sounds like you’re making it up and you don’t really know what you’re going to do.

    Where are you in the transition stage and what are you transitioning to? If we know that, we can tell you how to talk about it.

    #855399 Reply

    Robert, I don’t think you should mention how in a previous relationship (15 years ago) you and your gf walked around a Walmart in perfect bliss and you found it interesting. That’s not an interesting date. That’s an errand run.

    That has nothing to do with you as a person. That doesn’t tell me anything about you, except maybe that you are boring. Like, no lady reading that is going to come away thinking you’re anything other than very strange for writing an anecdote about that in your profile.

    I don’t think you should have your dating range as wide as women in their twenties. That, on its own, is a red flag if women can see that age range. You are 45. You do not/should not have much in common with a young woman in her twenties.

    #855404 Reply

    Everything anonymousse said and then some. Please tell me that you sent Wendy the questionnaire and that you will heed her advice. A couple of people have written short, interesting profiles for you and you seem to ignore them. Hopefully you won’t ignore Wendy.

    #855406 Reply
    Miss MJMiss MJ

    Robert, a vague statement about changing careers is going to read to many women as “aimless” at best and, more likely, “unemployed.” That’s a turnoff in a 45-year old man. If nothing else, when your job comes up, please start telling women that you own your own delivery business (or whatever) and are considering moving into a new market in the new year. And then say generally what that new market is, if asked. Being squirrelly about your employment situation is doing you no favors.

    #855411 Reply

    I am just tired of blabbing it to basically random strangers.

    If you are at a dating event and women are asking about your career and you refuse to answer or have a strange reply- that could be a big reason why you are getting no matches.

    You’re at events trying to get to know someone well enough to try and go on a date. You have to be able to answer these sort of simple, general questions without feeling like you’re being judged. Women want to know you are employed. There’s nothing weird about that.

    “I’m a small business owner.”
    “I run a small delivery business.”

    Are you burnt out from dating? Maybe it’s time to take a mini break. I still really, really want to encourage you to see a therapist for a session or two.

    #855413 Reply

    Eh, I disagree that he shouldn’t have a wide age range. I opened up my age range in my late 20s to include men in their 40s. It wasn’t a red flag to me at all that they were open to dating someone my age. The ones I went on more than one date with, we genuinely got along and had a fair amount in common. I only noticed the age gap when one of us didn’t understand a pop culture reference.

    Regarding professional women. Some will care about your job and income, some won’t. Saying that you’re planning a career change, but you’re not sure what that change will be, makes you sound aimless. I was never one to care if a man was in a high-powered role or earned a big paycheck, but if you sounded like you were unstable in your career in your mid-40s, that would’ve made me pause. I think it’s fine to just tell women what you do now without expanding on what you may do in the new year.

    #855439 Reply

    Seconding the Wal-mart walk-just no. That is what established couples do when they need to pick something up. And if a mn wanted to take me shopping,Wal-mart would be the last place I would pick.
    Besides the Christmas/light shows ,that honestly seem picked/focused on to fulfill your loneliness,I am not getting any sense of who you are,as others have said. I wonder if it is not just that you are having a hard time conveying it in your profile/to someone but if you even know who you “are” and what you want. The wishy-washiness seems very pervasive.

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