- October 8, 2019 at 10:46 am #853967
But take the pressure off. You wrote that it’s about it be the holidays and you don’t want to do these things single anymore. Put that way, it sounds desperate and like your filling a role. You don’t just want a date, you want to meet someone you can date, be in a relationship with, etc. Someone’s you can really connect with.
If you can be casual and fun in a setting where you are meeting someone, instead of having a checklist in your mind, just try to meet a woman that you find interesting or attractive and want to learn more about. Then after a low pressure coffee/drink date, ask her to see the holiday parade or whatever.October 8, 2019 at 10:48 am #853968
Google Drive maybe? With an email account that doesn’t identify you?October 8, 2019 at 10:49 am #853969
This group has done this before and is helpful.October 8, 2019 at 3:07 pm #853984
I’m laughing out loud at your physical description because it makes you sound like a robot. Those are nice statistics but they don’t tell me… anything, really. Are you cute? Do you have weird teeth? A strange thing you do with your hair to hide a receding hairline? Serial killer eyes?
Don’t pretend you don’t know if you’re attractive. You know.
Anyways, its fine not to be super cute if you have a personality that makes up for it. Are you shooting for 10s when you’re a 6? Maybe time to change those expectations a little.October 8, 2019 at 3:08 pm #853985
And if that’s the same way you approach dates “i see you like X, Y, and Z. I too am a fan of X and Z. We should meet for coffee’ it sounds robotic and not interesting.October 8, 2019 at 4:08 pm #853994
You don’t really mention other friends, other than that they “aren’t cutting it any more.”
I’ve found that the time in my life I was most successful in attracting potential romantic partners was when I was active with friends. That way I wasn’t pinning all my hopes and dreams of companionship on ONE relationship. It made it easier to be myself with people as there wasn’t so much riding on it.
You sound like you’re putting a lot into this relationship working out. That’s going to make it hard to take it for what it IS, as you’re always going to be focused on what you wish it to be.October 9, 2019 at 3:18 am #854016
I will work on getting something started with Google Drive, so that I can share my profile with all of you, as you indicated wanting to help. I appreciate it. I’ve never used it.
Though, I am going to another speed dating event Wednesday night, and I an thinking about all of your advice to figure out a different approach. I just know of no other way than to start with interests. It seems to make sense to me that if we can’t enjoy doing the same things on dates, then we are undateable to begin with. Christmas is the time of year I get most in to, so I see no point in naming someone as a match to begin with who does not enjoy these things.
Considering all of your advice, what if I started with a brief introduction, that would sound something like “I like to start slow, and get to know each other sharing common interests, and allowing things to develop as they will. I enjoy going out as well as staying home and enjoying each other’s company. I am very romantic, affectionate, caring, and empathetic.”
I thought of this introduction, as well: “I like to start slow, and get to know each other sharing common interests, and allowing things to develop as they will. Some of my major ones are A, B, and C. What are some of yours?”
Do either of those sound like proper introductions?
Or should my conversation starter be something totally different?October 9, 2019 at 5:38 am #854023
Why not start with “I’m interested in getting to know you. I’m thinking about all of the upcoming holiday activities and this year I’d really like to find someone who enjoys the (insert things you like about the holidays) with me and see if perhaps that leads to something more.” Put your actual needs out there.
Also, your description of yourself is so vague that it would match with anyone. I like going outside. I also like staying inside. If someone wanted to go hiking – I would not be up for that, even though I like going outside.
And this might be the most important part – it would be good to have an overlap of interests but that Venn diagram doesn’t need to be one circle. If you like kayaking and she likes kickball, maybe you find you like kickball and she may never like kayaking – and that’s ok. You can kayak alone or find some buddies.October 9, 2019 at 8:14 am #854034
When I was dating I wanted to connect on an emotional level. I wanted to feel a spark of chemistry. A list of questions sounds too analytical and I’m an analytical person. You sound like you are doing a job interview and a date should be more about being fun and getting to know each other than a job.
I like what LisforLeslie suggests. “The holidays are my favorite time of year and I love doing holiday activities, especially X and Y. Does any of that sound fun to you?”
Before that try beginning with an empathetic statement. Something like, “It looks like you’re having fun here today.” That’s only if she is smiling and looks like she is having fun. If she doesn’t look like she’s having fun come up with some other statement. The “Like Switch” book that I suggested tells you how to do this. If you can make a person feel good about themselves they will be much more likely to like you.
Whatever you do, do not look women up and down before you begin. If you give the impression you are inspecting her like she is a piece of meat you are already over before you begin. You need to look at her face, you need to be warm and friendly and smiling.October 9, 2019 at 8:18 am #854035
Maybe you should take a break from speed dating events? Do people really have luck doing those? You come off in text very stiff and robotic and I can’t help but think you do speed dating as well. I don’t mean this to make you feel badly, but your title alone is a good example.
And you’ve still not mentioned the real details of your attractiveness.
I don’t think the first meeting should be only about The Same Interests. As you’ve noticed, women are taken aback when you ask these questions, and you’ve gotten no matches. It’s not about the hobbies. I promise you that you probably have enough similar hobbies with most women that you don’t have to ask about those right off the bat. Most women enjoy staying in or going out. Most women are probably interested in trying your hobbies. What are your hobbies?
What about friends, Robert? Can you ask them to give you some feedback and tips? Do you have any female friends? Have you thought about hiring a dating coach or someone to buff up your profile?October 9, 2019 at 8:37 am #854038
I also noticed he didn’t actually answer the question about whether he was good looking. That is a yes or no question and he gave a non yes or no answer meaning the answer is no and he doesn’t want to say so.October 9, 2019 at 8:55 am #854043
We do need relevant information like how good looking you are (you do know), and whether you’re on the spectrum or have other distinguishing characteristics that could make dating more challenging. Just from the back and forth in this forum I sense that you’re not an easy guy to talk to, and it would be difficult to have an easy, natural back and forth with some laughs. Women shouldn’t seem taken aback by being asked about their interests in a speed dating event, hence I think something is way off with your approach. Why don’t you at least paste in the text from your profile, and some of the more recent messages you’ve sent to women? That could help diagnose, as a start. We obviously can’t observe you at speed dating events. It would really help to see your pictures too, but start with the text.