Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

How do I properly communicate with women?

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This topic contains 197 replies, has 13 voices, and was last updated by avatar anonymousse 3 hours, 12 minutes ago.

Viewing 12 posts - 37 through 48 (of 198 total)
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  • #854048 Reply
    Copa
    Copa
    Participant

    Your intros sound like stuffy elevator pitches. Can you introduce yourselves, then ask the women what they have planned for this weekend? You can learn a fair amount about someone’s hobbies, interests, and values by how they spend their time off work. What you have prepared to say will sound rehearsed and awkward when spoken aloud, and won’t lead as easily to a natural conversation that flows, in my opinion.

    And I agree that you should just copy/paste your profile here. I doubt anyone is going to Google it — that’d be an odd thing to do, don’t you think?

    #854049 Reply
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    Kate
    Keymaster

    So what if we did google it though? It’s out there online and it shouldn’t reveal your actual identity.

    #854060 Reply
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    Leon

    Mmm. I’m on the train of thought that everyone can appeal to someone, despite their looks or personality. But there are certain treats that appear unappealing. Do you think you have any?

    Tell us more about your dating life. How have been your past dates/relationships/casual encounters? Is the situation you are describing a constant in your life?

    How do you find yourself in terms of personality? You need to be open about it. Do you find yourself funny, engaging? Do you have any interests or hobbies that allows you to connect with others?

    Maybe speed dating is not for you. You may be someone who needs more time to show your potential. Certain comment about you wanting a gf for holidays struck on me as you are desperate for love. Please. Don’t. As someone cleverly said, this is not like buying a tv. It requires time and patience.

    People (specially some women) can smell desperation. And it is like a repelent for the vast majority of people. Why? because desperate people tends to be intense, and intense people is hard to beare.

    I suggest an inner and honest soulsearching about it. Allow to know yourself more, celebrate your strenghts, and be frank and open with your weaknesses.

    #854061 Reply
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    Robert123
    Member

    I feel that I ma good looking. I have been told that in the past, but that can be relative. Everyone is attracted to different things. I have found women attractive that other guys have found plain looking, and vice versa. I am not ugly, though, by any stretch.

    Might it help, perhaps, if I was upfront that I feel a little pressure from the time constraint to move things along faster than I normally would?

    I have no problem if some of the hobbies and interests are different, but a few are dealbreakers for me. Like the Christmas parades and light shows that I go to. Because I am self-employed, my work schedule is more flexible than most others’, allowing me to go to many. She likely will not have that luxury, and that is one thing, as that is beyond her control, but if she does not go with me to ANY because she is not interested, then that is a dealbreaker for me. I would be just as alone as single. That’s why finding out about certain interests up front is important to me.

    I will be taking a break anyway from speed dating in another month, because the Christmas things will be starting up and I will be doing those. I’m just not looking forward to doing *all* of them alone again.

    #854062 Reply
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    PDX816

    Robert, why not try meetup.org? it’s a great site that often has singles groups meeting up in large city activities. It might alleviate some of the pressure of going to these event alone. I understand where you are coming from as far as not wanting to face the holidays alone, I am struggling with that myself right now.

    #854064 Reply
    Copa
    Copa
    Participant

    Might it help, perhaps, if I was upfront that I feel a little pressure from the time constraint to move things along faster than I normally would?

    Probably not. I realize it’s unintentional, but you need to stop with the formal interview-like behavior, not explain it away. Your only goal for speed dating should be seeming fun and likable enough for someone to want to spend an hour or two with you on a real first date. Reciting a list of your top three hobbies, then asking for the woman’s top three hobbies, is very unlikely to make a woman want to go out with you again.

    Can you say something like, “I love this time of year and am really looking forward to getting in the holiday spirit! It’s my tradition to go to the light show at the zoo every December.” Then see how the women respond. All you’d need to hear is something along the lines of a genuine, “That sounds like a fun tradition!”

    ALL THAT SAID. Your approach actually reminds me of how a college boyfriend tried to get to know me via AOL Instant Messenger. (“Let’s share three interesting facts about ourselves! I’ll go first!”) It was so awkward and unnatural that I wrote him off and ignored him. We got to know each other through a class where we kept getting thrown together for projects, and became friends first. He had success dating before me and after me — but because of how he approached women he didn’t know (at least at the time — we were pretty young and for all I know he’s improved), he pretty much exclusively had luck with women he was friends with. So, something like MeetUp may be a better bet for you than speed dating or online dating.

    #854065 Reply
    Skyblossom
    Skyblossom
    Participant

    I think meetup is an excellent idea. It allows you to meet people who have similar interests in a relaxed, fun atmosphere.

    It is highly unlikely that any woman is going to say that their hobby or interest is going to Christmas activities. I would never even think of those things as interests or hobbies even though they could be fun.

    Just ask about those things specifically. “I love going to Christmas parades and light shows. Does that sound fun to you?” Can you tell her why you love those things. Instead of an analytic list make yourself an interesting person. At the same time, do not spend too much time talking about yourself. You need to show interest in her and that doesn’t mean an analytical conversation of her hobbies.

    Couldn’t you add that to a dating profile? Tell why you love to do those things. Being genuinely enthusiastic will make you sound like far more fun than a point blank question about what their hobbies are. You need to be engaging in a fun way.

    When I met my husband I liked him instantly. It was because we talked easily. It was absolutely no effort. We talked and laughed together. In the space of an hour I went from having hardly noticed him to thinking he was fantastic. That’s what a good conversation can do.

    I think you would definitely benefit from reading “The Like Switch.”

    It tells you how to approach strangers in a nonthreatening way. It tells you how to send out friend signals with your body language. It tells you how to see if she is interested before approaching her to talk. It tells how to begin a conversation. It tells you the things you need to do.

    After reading about how this works I immediately thought of one of my childhood neighbors. He is incredibly well liked. He has all of the mannerisms listed in how to approach a stranger. He does them naturally.

    #854066 Reply
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    Robert123
    Member

    I am definitely intrigued by that book. I’ll see if I can find it at the library or at Barnes & Noble.

    I’m wondering if I should throw one thing out in this forum. To in-person events, I tend to dress in a button-front shirt, tie, and dress pants. After what some of you said about me being too robotic, am I too dressed up or is an outfit like that a head turner?

    One outfit that I’ve gotten a lot of compliments on is a teal blue (or turquoise, depending on your interpretation) button front shirt, a multi-colored blue tie, and navy blue dress pants. I’ve been told blue is my color.

    Disclaimer, also, I enjoy dressing that way on some dates. Am I doing a good thing by non-verbally communicating this?

    Note, this is at 7:00 tonight, so could I wear it and let the others have the impression that I came directly from work?

    #854067 Reply
    Copa
    Copa
    Participant

    I agree with @skyblossom that it’s unlikely a woman is going to list parades and light shows as her *interests*. I don’t love those activities because they can get so crowded in my city that they stop being enjoyable — so if asked if I enjoy them, my answer would be unenthusiastic… but if my boyfriend asked me to go to one with him, I’d go. It’s worth keeping in mind that plenty of people go to events that they may not go to otherwise because of an SO, so you don’t have to pepper women with questions about whether they share your interest in Christmas activities.

    Regarding your dress, I’d lose the tie. And blue may be your color, but I wouldn’t wear it from head to toe. How you dress for dates should be dictated by where you are going. For example, you’d dress up for a fancy dinner, down for a movie.

    #854070 Reply
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    Miss MJ

    “Like the Christmas parades and light shows that I go to. Because I am self-employed, my work schedule is more flexible than most others’, allowing me to go to many. She likely will not have that luxury, and that is one thing, as that is beyond her control, but if she does not go with me to ANY because she is not interested, then that is a dealbreaker for me. I would be just as alone as single.”

    Robert, if you’re just looking for a date to take to Christmas parades, etc., then just ask different women that you’d like to get to know better to go with you to those things on a date. Not be your girlfriend, just as a date.

    If you’re really looking for a relationship, well, women aren’t an accessory and the approach above isn’t the way to a lasting relationship. When you say stuff like not liking Christmas parades is a dealbreaker, then it’s obvious you aren’t actually interested in women for who they are. You just want one to fill an immediate role for you right now. Not sharing goals in life, not being kind, not being faithful (whatever that means to you as a couple), not agreeing on wanting or not wanting kids, those are the kinds of Big Picture deal breakers you should be sorta kinda in the back of your head considering at this point.

    #854074 Reply
    Skyblossom
    Skyblossom
    Participant

    What do the other men wear to these dating events?

    #854075 Reply
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    LisforLeslie

    Outside of Finance and Law – do people even wear ties? I work with C level folks and they rarely wear ties. The world has gone business casual.

    https://www.gq.com/gallery/best-dressed-men-of-the-week-10-7-19

    I think there is one tie in the mix.

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